Favorite Game Quotes

[MoonHunter]

"Oops"

"Gong Cow Pull Daiseys," from a Chinese immigrant character with nominal English. We spent hours trying to decipher the code. The message was "Gone a couple of days" and the Immigrant was the only one staying around.

"Why are the cute ones always Nazis?"

"This is called a 'quarterstaff'?" "Yes." "What does a whole staff look like?"

“That would be stupid!"
“And that's apparently why you're doing it."

"All those were good demonstrations of stupid ideas. Does anyone have any good ideas?"


Some famous last words
"I've got a plan!"
"For the Greater Good"
"It can't fail"
"Victory"
"Thats a risk I'm willing to take".
"Trust me. I know what I'm doing"
"Hmmmm, maybe this wasn't such a good plan."
"Crap! I disbelieve the dragon!"
"Maybe we can talk our way out."
"So tell me again why you thought that referring to the drunk centaur barbarian as "horsey" was a good idea?"
"It can't get any worse..."
"Clean up corridor 3"

********

"I'm just arguing that there are options other than killing everybody."

"Yeah? I think we're gonna win and we don't need much of a plan!"

"This is going to blow like nothing has ever blown before."

"Did you just say 'werecat semen'?" (The answer was no.)

"I'll bleed artistically on the floor"

"I think we should kill your friend, burn down their house, and leave."

"Well what's wrong with a small nuclear reaction?"

"Things... like the demon in his pants?" (Nobody remembers who said that one, or why.)

"I throw myself at the floor"
(GM rolls dice)
"You have successfully rendered the floor unconscious"

PC - I use my fashion skill to make sure they (pirates) look respectable but dangerous... and subservient.
GM - You're French, this is going to involve lots of leather and assless chaps isn't it?

"I can't believe how big of a pain in the ass you are for an incompetent, idiotic, pompous, buffoon and drunkard!"
"Buh... buh... Drunkard?! I'm no Drunkard!"

"I can't lie to the GM. I'm lawful good!"

"Anybody who's immune to bullets, raise your hand!"

"For the first time in a long time, I am distressed by the absence of my clothing."

"I'm a Healer! Stand still or I'll hurt you! "

"What do you mean 'If we have time'? He's dead!"
(while investigating the apparent death of "him")

(Said by a mob boss in prison) "I didn't have anything to do with certain drug relations. Or those missing hookers. Or that puppy scandal."

“And this ladies and gentlemen is what's known as a 4d6 moment."
(Coined because of 4d6 char gen)

“You screamed like a little girly man!"
“No, I was actually choking on diet coke."

"darn it! There's violence happening and I'm not part of it!"

“Like a child on Xmas morning I can't go back to sleep!"

"And this is all going into a box labled don't ****ing open this!"

"If you don't have Paradox, you're doing something wrong."

"The universe decided to eat me." (On paradox.)

This one needs set up
GM: "You see a bone filled corridor. The bones appear crushed and there are stains on the walls. Flattened metal pieces and crushed wood are visible between the bone filled areas."

Player1: "Ok, I will proceed cautiously down the corridor, looking for any sign of a trigger plate or trip wire."

Player 2 (to the rest of the party): "I get his s**t."

From a friends game
GM: "As you move through the crowded cantina, a smiling Gungan approaches your group, a friendly grin on his face."

( sound of various lightsabers igniting, sizzling noises, a wet thud )

GM: "What the hell are you guys doing? He wasn't one of the Sith Lord's lackeys -you're meant to be heroic! All of you take dark side points!"

Player 1 : "Have you even seen episode I?
Player 2: "It's for the good of the galaxy!"

GM: "Good point - nice work there. ****ing George Lucas!(angry mutter). Each of you gains a Force Point and a level of positive reputation..."

[MoonHunter]

"You can lead a gamer to a plot, but you can't make him think."

MoonHunter after a disappointing Serenity one shot convention game; after giving them the 'big clue' in the setting write up, reinforcing it in the initial game spiel, foreshadowing the secret base in the opening moments of the game, and cheating the crew out of money to give them reason to investigate the 'back end' of the clue. They decide to ignore this entire idea and look for their own adventure (like this was a campaign instead of a scheduled 4 hour game). So they end up being the total patsy for the Alliance. They then were totally suprised when a) they were Used by an Alliance Operative, b) ran into the fighters from the secret alliance base in the asteroid field, and c) that their past came to haunt them (you take the complications, and you don't expect them to ever be used?????).

Did I mention their ship blew up?

[Ria Hawk]

From the depths of my modern game during a haunted house adventure...

"Okay, we taser him on three."

"Morgan, sweetie, if you take one step into this room, I'm going to taser you and tie you up.  I can't handle taking three rounds from a nine millimeter again." 

"You're going to taunt the malevolent presence?  What could possibly make you think that's a good idea?"

"I'm saying we leave now before whatever demon currently possessing him decides to rip it's way out of his body and eat us all."

"All I'm saying is that it doesn't matter what it is.  A white phosphorous grenade or two will clear the problem up no sweat."
"... Where did the eight year old get white phosphorous grenades anyway?"

"Wow.  We just spent three days trapped in a house with the crazed ghost of a demonoligist, and I didn't get possessed once.  This is a new record."

And my what my players hate hearing me say...
"Everyone make will saves."

[CaptainPenguin]

"You can sense the evil that emanates from it, great evil, terrible and powerful. Pure malevolence. Your astral sense warns you, but you have no idea what it is registering- it could be a portal to a world of evil, or an evil entity itself... But certainly, the Lance of Longinus is not the holy object everybody seems to think."

"But... But it has Jesus blood on it! It can't be evil!"

"Well, yes, but third-eyes don't lie. You are concentrating to hard on the evil emerging forth from the Lance, and you feel a jittery pain in your skull, somewhere near your pineal gland."

"But Jesus blood!"

"That doesn't make it not evil."

"But Jesus blood!"

"Look, it's got a d**n evil presence, will you just shut up and accept that?!"

[Ria Hawk]

After a massive beatdown:
GM: 734 damage?  Um.  *rolls dice*  You know, for a dragon, this guy has a sucky fortitude save.  The damage is so great that the massive shock just outright kills him.
Me: *glances at GM notes*  Uh, Jill?  That dragon only had 350 hit points.  Even if he'd made the save, he'd still have been a grease spot.

"It's not a party unless there's ninjas."

GM: "You see a half-orc in glowing white platemail come out of the bar across the street.  The demon takes one look at him and flees.  The half-orc draws a sword and flies after him."
Talia Bladedancer: "... Okay, who wants to pretend that never happened?"
*entire party raises hands*

Talia Bladedancer: "Oh, man, this guy is stupid.  Seriously.  This shouldn't be a problem."
*guy in question shapeshifts into a dire boar*
Talia: "... Tell you what, Mariel.  You take him out."
Mariel: "WHAT?"
Talia: "Well, you're the one with the silver halberd and a baby dragon."
Mariel: "You owe me, &^%$@."

Talia Bladedancer: "Do you mean we just got our collective ass handed to us by a psuedodragon who was using a bunch of illithids as marionettes?"
GM: "Yes."
Ik the Monkey: "Ik set little lizard on fire."
Talia: "Yes, you do that, please."
Ik: "No.  Ik already set on fire.  Taste like rat."

Nam the Ranger: "Look, Gundir, whatever you do, don't detect evil."
Gundir: "Don't worry.  I don't want my brain to liquify; I don't have the intelligence to waste."

Mariel: "Please tell me that the Emperor has not been replaced by a doppleganger and subsequently kidnapped by medusas. ... Aw, hell."

Mariel: "What's that line?"
Guard: "Ah, that is the line of death.  Cross it and you'll-" *breaks off as large flaming boulder is flung at party, landing a few feet from line* "Get creamed by one of those."

--Sci Fi Stuff--

Maito Kenji: "Are you telling me you coded a MegaDoom virus just to prove a d**n point?  You sir, are an ass."

Maito Kenji: "Hey, Mr. ******* Tech.  Thanks for looking after our buddy.  Let me introduce you to his psycho, violence-prone daughter."
*much carnage ensues*
*later*
Anitaka Sher: "Psycho?"
Ken: "Well, I mean, given your track record."
Sher: "Oh.  ...  'Violence-prone?'"
Genkou Himitsu: "Do you really need to question that one, given the state of those thugs?"
Sher: "No, I'm just wondering why you expressed it that way, and not 'homicidally enraged.'"

Maito Kenji: "That would be your swiftly approaching demise.  Say hi to all the nice folks in hell for us."

[CaptainPenguin]

"The Saxons are approaching slowly across the moor, dressed in patchy armor and holding bloodstained weapons. They're sweeping their eyes through the area, and you can see the gold rings and their blonde hair glinting in the dawn light."

"Viking pigs. I'm going to rise to a kneeling position and nock an arrow."

"Are you sure? One lone Briton against a full party of armored Saxons..."

"Yes."

"One of the Saxons notices you. He points at you and shouts to his comrades. They're starting to rush in your direction."

"I send feathered death into the one who appears to be the leader!"

*dice rolls, associated movement rolls and checks*

"The Vikings stop and have waffles and coffee for breakfast after tearing you to bloody pieces."

[Roack]

GM: "A few crabs skitter along the shoreline, pinching at bits of food and refuse."
P1: "Hmm, I bet a barrel of crabs would sell for a lot, where are those kegs of ale you bought?"
P2: "What do you need the kegs for?"
P1: "The crabs!"
P2: "You're going to pour all the ale out? I bought that stuff!"
P1: "Pour? We're going to drink it all!"
P2: "I whole heartedly agree with this plan! Well, whatever this plan is, anyway."
(A keg of dwarven ale later)
P1: "Allright, let's get those crabs."
GM: "Hold up one second!" *dice rolling* "Okay, you guys are too drunk to remember what you were doing."
P2: "Well atleast we got some beer out of this. Can we head into town?"
GM: "Sure, make an intuit direction check."
P1: "Intuit direction? we already know the town is in the south east!"
GM: "Yes, but you're too drunk to remember that, too."
P1: "Oh... well you have the higher wisdom modifier, Hugo, so you make the check."
P2: *Rolls some dice* "Err... an eight..."
GM: "Well, taking into acount the massive penalties for being hammered, You decide Haven is to the Northwest."
P1: "Atleast we'll run into a town eventually."
---------
(After encountering and defeating a few wolves.)
---------
P1: "Allright, the last one is dead, right?"
GM: "Not quite, it's unconcious and slowly dying, it's just frozen into the attack position because of that last spell you cast."
P2: "We could probably sell it if we get it to civilization soon enough, so let's take it with us."
P1: "Wait a second, remember those fish I caught earlier?"
P2: "Yeah."
GM: "Do I want to know what you're going to do?"
P1: "I'm storing them in the wolf."
GM: "Oh god... next thing you know this thing is going to be the party mascot.."
P1: "Good idea!"
GM: "I'm not sure whether I should rip up your character sheets or go hang myself..."

[MoonHunter]

This list sort of strikes the rules of the thread. These are quotes that have inspired campaigns. Most are from fiction, but some just are.

"This is Free Trader Beowulf, calling anyone. . .
Mayday, Mayday...we are under attack...
Main drive is gone...turret number one not responding...
Mayday...losing cabin pressure fast...calling anyone...please help...
This is Free Trader Beowulf...
Mayday..."

I love Traveller....

**In no particular order**
"Nope, sorry. I'm too smart to be a heroic hero."

"The world is in a constant state of flux. It changes for that is its nature. It is when Mankind attempts to make this flux stable, permanent, that troubles arise."

There is no conspiracy. Nobody is in charge. It's a headless blunder operating under the illusion of a master plan.

"Let's be bad guys."
Serenity

"Time for some thrillin' heroics"
Serenity

Do you seriously think I'd explain my master-stroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it thirty-five minutes ago.
Adrian Veidt Watchmen

Adrian Veidt: I did the right thing, didn't I? It all worked out in the end.
Dr. Manhattan: 'In the end'? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.
Watchmen

"When I was little, my father was famous. He was the greatest samurai in the empire and he was the Shogun's Decapitator. He cut off the heads of a 131 lords. It was a bad time for the empire. The Shogun just sat inside his castle and he never came out. People said his brain was infected by devils. My father would come home, he would forget about the killings, he wasn't scared of the Shogun, but the Shogun was afraid of him. Maybe that was the problem. Then, one night the Shogun sent his ninja spies to our house. they were supposed to kill my father, but they didn't.
(woman screams)

That was the night when everything changed. "
(Shogun Assassin / Lone Wolf and Cub: Sword of Vengeance)

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.
Rutger Howard- Blade Runner

"That's no moon...it's a space station."

"So you think you've solved in fourteen days what they couldn't solve in two years?"

"Power is fleeting; love is eternal."

"That's right. Run home to momma. Me? I'm through runnin'. I say we stay and fight."
Ash Army of Darkness

"Gosh, that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with time travel. You never can tell."
Dr. Who

"I can be very dangerous when I don't know what I'm doing"
 Dr. Who

"We need guns. Lots of guns."
Neo the Matrix

"I am a Ranger. We walk in the dark places no others will enter. We stand on the bridge, and none may pass. We live for The One - and we die for The One!"
Marcus Cole Babylon 5  (Wasn't this lifted from Lord of the Rings?)

"And I looked, and beheld a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him." -
Revelations, Ch. 6 V. 8 (quoted in Pale Rider ...always makes me want to play a Western rpg!)

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
Henry L Mencken

"A hunger in his soul drove him on and on, an urge to right all wrongs, protect all weaker things, avenge all crimes against right and justice. Wayward and restless as the wind, he was consistent in only one respect-- he was true to his ideals of justice and right. Such was Solomon Kane."
Robert E. Howard

"Go down the right alley in Sin City, and you can find anything."

We are told to remember the idea, not the man. Because a man can fail. He can be killed and forgotten. But four hundred years later an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas. I've seen people kill in the name of them; and die defending them. But you cannot touch an idea, cannot hold it or kiss it. An idea does not bleed, it cannot feel pain, and it does not love. And it is not an idea that I miss, it is a man. A man who made me remember the fifth of November. A man I will never forget.


"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
Dylan Thomas  Makes you want to play Werewolf!

" This day is called the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say "To-morrow is Saint Crispian":
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say "These wounds I had on Crispin's day."
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day. "
Shakespeares Henry V's
This speech is given before the Battle of Agincourt always makes me want to do something stupid and heroic, like participating in a medieval battle.

"Can a magician kill a man by magic?" Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. "I suppose a magician might," he admitted, "but a gentleman never would." Lord Wellington nodded as if this was just as he would have expected.
Susanna Clarke in Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell

The life of a man is like a game with dice; if you don't get the throw you want, you must show your skill in making the best of the throw you do get.
Adelphoe by Terence

[MoonHunter]

From Moochava

"Always steal, only hacks try to be original. (Only geniuses succeed in being original, but come on, man, are you a genius? I'm not, I run Dungeons & Dragons.)"

It is now the sig line for several people.

[Fellonius the Wizard]

My absolute favourite during a D&D-session:
Hellmer the angry dwarf to the BIG red dragon:
"And what would you have your money for when you're dead?"

Never tilt a sleeping cow.

In a labyrinth, always hold right. (Turning walls don't exist, then?)

[I'll be back with more from my sessions, of course]
Fellonius the Wizard, 365 years old and counting

[Ria Hawk]

"Do you realize that after this adventure, this whole party can meet the requirements to becoming blackgaurds?  Even the paladins.  All you'd have to do is change alignments."

If you are unfamiliar with D&D 3/3.5, blackgaurds (prestige class) are are essentially anti-paladins- utterly evil and vicious. The hardest requirement to meet is to make peaceful contact with an evil outsider.  We not only made contact with an outsider that was *technically* evil, we did it a huge favor.

[MindForge]

Me (as GM): You guys see a wooden door with strange wooden hinges, bolted into the walls with wooden dowels.
Joe: I open the door.
Me: Your wearing plate armor right?
Joe: Yeah, masterwork plate.
Me: (rolls some dice) Ok. You see a creature about five feet long, laying down, its antennae groping towards you, feeling the air. It has yellowish to rust colored plates, sort of like an exo...
Joe: It's not a rust monster is it... I shut the door.
Me: (rolls dice coming up with a natural 20, for a str check on the door to break it, rolling almost max damage against the door) Joe slams the door, and a few seconds later, something hits it nearly breaking it from the hinges, another hit like that will break the door down.
Travis: Umm.. I get ready to fight to protect the mage.
Michelle: I.. what's a rust monster?
Kerry: I think it rusts stuff, that's why the door was wood.
Travis: A rust monster is Bob's way of taking away some of our gear because we have too much.
Michelle: That's not fair, I quit.

[Strolen]

Today at 08:23:46 PM Murometz - "Ms. Hawke shall be riding the roan charger today ladies and gentlemen. She will be going up against The Eagle of Shadows, a hedge knight with grandiose aspirations. Let us observe their demeanors, as they sharpen their lances and get some last minute advice from their squires...back to you Bob!" "Thanks Jim. Now joining me in the broadcast booth is Strolen, the knight who needs no introduction. Tell us, who do you think will be victorious in this clash of lances?"

X Today at 08:29:14 PM Murometz - "Ms. Hawke for those of you who dont know, also goes by the name Knighhawk. So in essence Bob, we have ourselves a Battle of the Birds! HeHeHeh"  "Yes, Jim. You used that line at last month's tourney too"

X Today at 08:32:20 PM Murometz - "Tell the folks Strolen, how you see this joust playing itself out"  "Wel I--"  "We will have to come back to you Strolen, they are sounding the bugels! Dont you just love that sound!?"  "Well I--" "Hold that thought Strolen! Here come the combatants! Can you hear them roar!"

X Today at 08:37:38 PM Murometz - "Ooooh! Did you see that Bob?! Thats going to sting!"  "Uh, he missed Jim"

X Today at 08:59:32 PM Pariah - "I realize that Bob, I was refering to his wounded pride."

[Wulfhere]

In June of 1981, a party of fearless, if vaguely motivated, heroes hacked their way through a nameless monster-infested temple, in a nameless wilderness (Yes, our games featured DEEP role playing).  They stood before a door, an ominous portal that their foes MUST have passed through in their flight from the stalwart band.

Dungeon Master:  The door is solid and reinforced with iron reinforcements.

Me:  My paladin bashes it open!

Dungeon Master:  You fall down the flight of stairs behind it and take 18 points of damage!

Me:  Oh, man!  I only had 3 Hit Points left after fighting the goblins.  I'm DEAD!

(An awkward pause follows)

Me:  Wait a minute; we were in a room earlier that's right below this one!  There weren't any stairs!

(The DM stares confusedly at his map for a while)

DM:  Sorry, my mistake.  You're right, these stairs lead up. You take 18 points of damage from falling UP the stairs.

(I don't know why I always preferred to DM instead of play...)

[the Wanderer]

I only have one, but it's from last nights game.

So we have our female fighter (cursed: ignores all metal, wearing her old leather armor, armed with two enchanted swords, a long bow, and at least four magical arrows)
and a priest  (follower of the God of War & Battles, complete with full plate mail armor, large heater sheild, closed face great helm, and ritual long sword) standing on the edge of an  unknown village.

A guard hidden from sight warns them not to enter the village armed. A short whispered discussion insues and a reluctant resolution is found.

As the fighter sets aside her enchanted swords and long bow the priest straps on his shield,  draws his not yet blessed weapon, closes his great helm and says.....

"Alright, you disarm and go in, if something bad happens....scream."

[Chaosmark]

From a D&D GM named Muro of the Metz, there once was uttered a phrase in response to a Cleric of Trigu who hit every undead he saw with his Exorcism/Turning ability.

"For every season, turn, turn, turn..."

[kamina]

From my game last night.  A devout follower of Tymora (goddess of fortune - Forgotten Realms AD&D) was warned (by an evil cleric) of the eminient evil he was about to bring down upon his ship. After smashing the presumed evil he consulted with his clerics and was told he may have made a serious mistake.  This was the only thing said in retort. 

      "To ere on the side of caution is always a good way to screw up!"

[the Wanderer]

All I remember is we screwed up on an epic scale and on many levels in the game last night. I'll not add the embarassing details.
We were at the inn, drinking heavily. I was talking with my travel companion (Atherton, a halfling theif) about our options from this point. Things were looking a bit bleak.

Atherton, looking quite glum : Well, I guess we're back to square one...

Kamina (our GM) : Square one? You ARE optimistic, aren't you?

[Steve... of the shadows]

This song was written long ago by a bard player character who suffered from an unhealthy obsession with another character.

"Donnie the great.
 Donnie the grand.
 When it comes to sex,
 He never uses his hand.

 He vanquishes evil, left and right.
 When answering questions, he's really bright.

 When fighting dragons, and other big lizards,
 He kills them quickly, stabbing their gizzards.

 Donnie,
 Donnie
 This is the Donnie song.
 Donnie is always right, and never wrong.

 With Orin The Vanquisher, his really good friend,
 They will defeat evil until the end."

[Ria Hawk]

"Um.   Okay, I can deal with this.  I need three hamsters, some nailpolish, and ten bucks."
"You know what?  I don't even want to know."

[the Wanderer]

I think my PCs are insane.
I offer these completely out of context, as the context makes even less sense:

"I am being very logical about this....at least I think I am"

"If he wakes up and he's dead...... let me know"

[the Wanderer]

And on the newbie front, said by a preist while casting a minor healing spell:

"Mumbo, jumbo, HOLY SYMBOL!"

[MoonHunter]

Thought about an old cyberpunk game today.

"Did you just shoot him?"
"No."
"Bullets cost more money than he is worth. I strangled him."
"Our employer will compliment you on your cost saving efforts."

>>>>>>>>>>>

Ow (comment on where shot) Did you shoot him?
No.
Who shot him then?
He did. It was a terrible accident.
*Looking disbelievingly*
People should hold on to their weapons more carefully.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Did you shoot him? pointing to the bullet riddled corpse.
No. He was a lousy human shield though.

>>>>>>>>>>

"Are you going to shoot me?"
"No."
pause.
"That is what he is around for. "

>>>>>>>>>>>

Please tell me a gun is holstered down there.

>>>>>>>>>>>

Can you get a cyber replacement for your brain?

 

[Ria Hawk]

"Don't worry.  We've dealt with him before.  If there's one thing I remember, it's that this man is an idiot."

After a trip through a cursed hedge maze set up by someone who didn't quite research the party thouroghly:
"Yah, the hedge monsters were a good try, really.  But I'm sorry, they weren't all that scary to us.  I mean, we have a pet dragon.  Fire breath trumps moving plant every time."

[Ria Hawk]

"Do you know, I can think of four or five better places to pick a fight in than a town full of strong and very bored miners."

"Oh look, you're melting."

"... Someday, Desh, you're going to go just too d**n far and then that pious sum&^%$@ is going to lay the smite on your ass."

*after being chased out of town due to a combination of an overzealous thief and an overamorous bard*  "I hate all of you.  I really do.  Next town we get to, I'm tying you both up and sitting on you all night."