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Author Topic: The Last Dragon Warrior  (Read 1784 times)

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Offline Michaela_Reed

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The Last Dragon Warrior
« on: January 07, 2005, 10:13:43 AM »
((OOC: Some feedback on this one would be nice... and constructive.))

The Last Dragon Warrior

She stood there with a sly grin on her face. The moonlight streaked her raven mane with strips of snow. Her silver eyes held a murderous glint. 'You dared raid my home, you killed my family and you raped me, taking my only innocents for your pleasure. Well, now it's my turn. I have dreamed of the day when I could extract my revenge. You will suffer for what you've done. Look at what I have become because of you.'? The tattoo that ran the length of her leg twitched, the dragon seemed to come to life. The man at the end of her sword quivered with an uncontrollable fear. He knew he was going to going to die but not how or when.
A sudden scream told all of the bandit's fate. She came walking back, cleaning her sword with a piece of shirt. 'He'll never rape again, or even have the urge.'? She mumbled to the person she met in the camp. 'Yo..you mean you killed him?'? He asked. 'Hell no, death would be a reward, I took his manhood from him. He didn't deserve it to begin with; he was never a man.? She walked to the fire and sat down. She closed her eyes and the memories flooded her mind.

The day she turned 7, she was so happy. Her family was parents planned her birthing day celebration. The village had not been raided for many months and now started to relax. That was their last mistake. The bandits came into town yelling their excitement. Her parents send her to the forest to be safe as they went back for more children. They never came back. She saw the fire rage and ran back to her home. She saw the bodies of her friends and family. Her tears clouded her vision, making it impossible to see the man coming at her from the side. Blackness overtook her as he clubbed her. Pain woke her as the men took turns defiling her body and using it for their evil pleasures. She forced herself to black out so as not to remember. When she woke, they had left, leaving her for dead. She was cold and dead, but not on the outside. Her heart was dead and her mind was cold and sharp. She gathered cloths and said good byes to her love ones and left. She knew there was a school or village near by where she would get help. A man answered her calls and caught her before she fell from blood loss. They took her in and cared for her. The warriors taught her and trained her in their art form. She excelled and soon became a master with the sword. They wished her well when she left on her mission. Day after day, week after week, she hunted. Determined to find those who had destroyed her life. One by one, she killed, feeling alive more and more. With each death, she came closer to her goal. And now it was done.

A small voice broke her thoughts. She looked and saw a small girl standing before her. The child was about 7 and very pretty. 'Ummm ma'am, Why did you hurt that man? Why do you have the markings on your leg?'? She smiled and motioned for the girl to sit down beside her. 'I hope you never feel the hatred I have for that man. He was one of many who killed my family. These marks are of the dragon, they give me the strength when I need it. I was of the clan of the dragon, but am the last dragon now.'? The girl gave her a curious look, 'but how can you be a dragon? You're like me.'? The older woman looked at her and couldn't help but widen her grin. 'Oh, and how can you be so sure?' With that said, she stood and walked toward the forest. The young girl stood as well but didn't follow. 'Hey lady, what is your name?'? She turned before entering the woods and hollered, 'I am Draconia, the Moon Warrior.'? She disappeared into the great woods and a rumble filtered back to the camp. Some looked and saw a figure in front of the moon. It was the shape of a dragon, long and black. The moonlight streaked the hide with snow. The silver eyes shined bright. It flew towards the west, but before it left, an object fell from the great talons and landed at the child's feet. It was a sword, lined with a red hue. The eye of the hilt was a blue diamond, surrounded by blood red rubies. It was a last gift to keep the child's innocence safe from one who could not do the same for herself.
« Last Edit: December 14, 2006, 04:54:13 PM by Strolen »
War is hell... no War is war and Hell is hell and of the two War is worse. How so? Who goes to hell? Sinners and those who deserve it. Right and in war there are the innocent who truely get hurt.
**Scene from M*A*S*H

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The Last Dragon Warrior
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2005, 09:42:03 PM »
Its interesting.  Kept my attention, but that really isn't saying much there.  I've stared for hours at a ballon that I was tossing up and down.  Good sentance structure and filling details, if a bit dry at some points.
They were immediately and absolutely recognizable as adventurers... They were hardy and dangerous, lawless, stripped of allegiance or morality, living off their wits, stealing and killing, hiring themselves out to whoever and whatever came. They were inspired by dubious virtues.  China Mieville - Perdido Street Station

Offline CaptainPenguin

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The Last Dragon Warrior
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2005, 10:42:04 PM »
Boring, cliche.

Do something unusual and unique. Don't use the same old cliches ("You killed my family, now I'm a badass wanderer with no personality who's only motivation is to kill you!"). Very short on details, I have very little idea what is actually going on here, and what connection, if any, it might have with "the Last Dragon Warrior".

Technically proficient, if a little difficult to follow. Try breaking up the paragraphs into short blurbs- it isn't grammatical in a school grammar-essay sense, but it's easier for us to read.
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