Wow. I like the idea of Cardinal actually being a captive mind (although one has to wonder if he knows that's what he is). Of course, a bard of his reputation is going to have difficulty explaining why he never does public appearances (unless they're akin to raves, where everyone is stoned). And there's always the possibility that the Pills have some unknown and unpleasant side-effects, as opposed to just being addictive, although that's bad enough. Go to Comment
It's an interesting idea, an a cool mystery character!
But: there's some spelling and grammar that could be corrected; also, his name is an issue, being the title of a high-ranking priest, and Luther being the founder of the Protestant church. Go to Comment
Awesome submission. Very cool idea. Another twist might be that Cardinal becomes a tulpa, a thought form that becomes manifest in reality under certain conditions and more independent as time goes by and his legend grows. Go to Comment
I like the book a lot and the way it is presented is just fine, no issues on that. The question I have is about your percieved availability of the book. From the first part I get conflicts whether it is a single book that is handed around or something that can be created by those that know how. Refering to "the creator" implies that many can be made yet it seems a somewhat specialized item that is tied to a specific circumstance that wouldn't readily be duplicated.
The other thing I felt needed a little more was on how somebody would give this as a gift if it was a single item. It seems to me that the book should effect every person that holds it, not just an intended victim? In this case then it might be difficult for the current reader to give it away in the first place unless he already knows the nature of the book and doesn't get addicted to it. Maybe I am catching that one the wrong way though. Go to Comment
I think you may have overdone the customizeability of the item, if that is possible. I could understand what you wanted to say, but among all the options has the message got a little unclear (like Strolen has noted).
I would suggest to limit the options at least at the start, and present the story in its entirety, it is interesting enough to stand alone. Show its powers, according to your story/game world, and afterwards list some of the ways how it can be adapted. Especially the scaling of power is interesting, you can skip some options, or note them only briefly.
Also, the whole talk of a 'template' is quite detracting to me. Skip it or put it towards the end along with others notes right of the technical manual.
I think I know what you wanted, and such a lesson for beginning GMs on how to integrate stuff into their own game world could be interesting, somehow the lecture format collides with the story. Maybe it is just me. :)
I like it. The submission could stand a rewrite, but the ideas are grand. This book works both as a customised work--storytelling raised to the level of magic, without true magic being used. It also works well as a magic item that adjusts to its new owner, sort of a mystic version of A Young Lady's Illustrated Primer from Stephenson's The Diamond Age.
Whether truly sentient or not, this is nasty and fun--for the GM, at least. I would use this subtly. That is, the imagery would be all in the reader's imagination, rather than an overt visual phantasm. Go to Comment