I think the write up on this could have been so much better, but kudos for bringing it out. This is odd enough to make it worth reading and gives enough tid bits to flesh out for individual settings. Go to Comment
You know. Possibly a little backstory of the reason why or how it came into being. A little flesh to this iron golem would go a long way. Go to Comment
You an ebil, ebil man val.
What a sub, *falls to floor writhing in insane laughter*
The things you could do with one of tose are almost endless... Go to Comment
"Arrrigt mens! Dis ratte bastah, he theenk he a goona cornair de market on de Espikes de Ferro! We agonna estoppe eem! We goeen in de towair an we agonna swipe he beeg pile o espikes!"
Those are characters are specifically attached to a specific game on the site. That is why they have mechanics. Other than that, most of this is pointless for most gamers... as most of us here DO NOT PLAY D20. I could post up Fantasy Hero or Ars Magica stats and specials and confuse the rest of you too. That is why everything needs to be described (IN WORDS) to make it adaptable.
A couple of things you can do:
If you have to list the mechanics (to which I would say, "try not to"), list everything as a description first. That way you have a thicker write up AND the character become equipment specific.
The format is uneven. You need to add more character returns at the end of paragraphs. You need to remove them from the middle of sentences and paragraphs. If you are going to line return at the end of each quote/ piece of dialog, you need to do it consistantly throughout the post.
Even if your character is new, you can have a lot more descriptive and motivational elements to his write up.
Nobody cares about generic equipment that most of us would assume he has. And we are going to adapt any standing orders to how we will use him as an NPC, so do not waste your time on them. Remember, you are posting up an NPC (even though it is your PC), so you need to make it useful to GMs. Go to Comment
Now I will say that even if this wasn't a Character Sheet for a forum RP, I wouldn't consider it a 1/5 submission. A 1/5 is so bad it has no hope, and is rife with glaring grammatical errors.
Perhaps requesting a new NPC sub-section for Forum Characters might not be a bad idea. Go to Comment
Dull Grey Robes(worn)
Leather boots
Bright Blue robes (carried)
Leather pack
Bedroll & blanket
Spell book
Components pouch
Backup componets pouch(hidden in robe lining)
Paper & charcoal
Tinderbox
Number of small vials with stoppers
Metal-shod (both ends) oaken staff.(d6, but -5 due to non-prof)
Sling & 12 carefully selected stones (1d4 dmg)
2 Heavy lead bullets for sling(2d5 dmg)
Ring of Protection +2 (From Uncle)
Scroll with 4 spells, 2- 3rd, 2-4th 1-5th (fireball, protection from normal missiles, wall of ice, stone-skin)
Vambraces of Defense (AC 5), usable by anyone even mages(!)
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1 scroll w/5 spells. Dimension Door x2, Locate Object x2, Plant Growth
Shrunken Spellbook (functional but shrunk to 1/12th size)
Thick, glass, Jar of ooze (instant demodand, just add water?)
Scroll of something (language not understood by anyone present) Go to Comment
Lifeforms (Constructed) (Any)