I just didn't dig the story all that much, but I find that that the take on half-elf as interesting. Often I find that people don't play or write the demi-humans as alien enough. And this half-elf Pon-Farr the kid was going through could really help a character get into his character and add depth to a roleplaying scene.
But I cannot stand the over use of the rape of another in a character's backstory and means justifying his behavior. It would be nice to imagine a world in which the hero did not have to fight for sexual possession of his woman. If authors are going to deal with sexual violence then perhaps they should deal more with the victims response otherwise it just seems flippant. In this story the girl is left behind in the Hero's story and his response to her attack. Go to Comment
The character's basic idea is interesting: A half-elf raised in a land where elves are traditional enemies of humanity, who is forced to flee his home after committing a revenge-murder.
The edits helped untangle problematic details of Piash's history and made it easier to read.
The mental and emotional implications of being a half-elf could still stand to be clarified. From what you said, I gathered that Elves are naturally logical and aloof, and only develop emotional ties as they grow older. Based on this, I assume that Piash lacks understanding of his own emotions and doesn't think clearly when emotional subjects are brought up. I'm not sure what you meant: It sounds like he is prone to killing rages, and may even revel in the emotional catharsis.
Although detailed criticism like this has received can be aggravating, don't look on it as a personal attack. We've all gone through tough criticism at some point, for "iron sharpens iron". If people didn't see the sub's virtues, they wouldn't waste time critiquing it. Advice like "read it aloud" may sound patronizing at first, but it is the best way for you to find the sub's errors. Even veterans of professional writing often use approaches like that to polish their work. Go to Comment
I wasn't here to read the sub the first time through but it seems to me that MoonHunter and Wulfhere's criticisms still haven't been followed up. The sub is still very hard to follow and has numerous spots where I got confused.
And I disagree with you, Strolen. I do blame Necromancer for the emotional response. Criticism is where it's at, after all. If you only wanted egoboo, only show it to your girlfriend or your mom. I doubt that very many of us are at the point where everything we write is perfect (except maybe for you, Captain Penguin :0 ), so we can all use criticism to make our writing better. I'm an author, and I still need criticism! I do agree that we all need to keep our emotions out of our criticisms, but everything except the "You are a terrible writer and all your stuff stinks!" criticisms are ultimately useful to the writer of the sub.
I also taught computer science in high school, and occasionally got to teach a Creative Writing class, and the "That's the way I want it to sound" response to criticisms is either egotistical, or lazy (if there is a difference). Writing is conveying thoughts and ideas, and if they are not getting through, you haven't been doing your job. End of rant. Go to Comment
There is very, VERY little detail. It is an interesting idea, but what else is there to it?
How as the Enori's "innocence faded"? Why do people want to catch it so bad? Is it divine? It's unique, so where did it come from? Go to Comment
You do need to add the critter's origin to the write up.
How did the creatures innocence fade when the first time anyone saw it it was already corrupted? Should this of been a mythical creature of purity BEFORE, then changed due to events?
Is the creature the "King of the Forest?" or "King of the Herd" or just a creature who waunders?
You do need to check your posts before you put them up. Might I suggest C/P/C?
* Cut the post out,
* Put it into WORD or some other word processor
* Checking - running the spell and grammar checks.
* The cut the corrected version out and paste it back into the post.
I agree with Captain Penguin. Also, there are some pretty bad run-on sentances:
The hunter left the wood and spent the rest of his life looking for the creature he never saw it again but many hunters to try to find it and some saw it, but their horses could not out run it and its mental power repelled anyone who got close. Go to Comment
I feel like this is a little too bare-bones for me. It's just a deer that has a brain attack. If it doesn't know you're there, you can still shoot an arrow into it. That doesn't sound so hard.
Honestly, I'm imagining it with a giant brain, like Mojo Jojo. Alternatively, it has no legs, and just hovers around the forest like a boss. Throw in some BS, like how elves believe that Enori are actually the souls of lost children, or that eating their brain while making mind flayer noises lets you use their brain powers for a couple of hours, and I think this could be a great little deer. Go to Comment
The PCs are setting up camp at the end of their first day of walking through the Esh-Inel Mountains, when they hear in the distance a low rumbling, like thunder. It grows progressively louder until it echoes off the mountainous bowls around them, then dies away again. At its worst the ground starts trembling. It happens every day at this time, and it is the noise of the Great Carts on the dwarfish underways returning home after a day mining, laden with many tons of ore.