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Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
necromancer's comment on 2007-02-02 07:31 AM
yes i do admit I was a hotheaded when I wrote that reply. I found the advice about spelling and grammer and reading it out loud is sound advice, but i still think Moon took things a bit to far hear.

Be that as it may I am really sorry as I took this way too far. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Murometz's comment on 2007-02-01 02:42 PM
I dont think this one needs challenging, but what do I know, I am not around this week. Ok, bye. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Murometz's comment on 2007-02-03 10:05 AM
Not bad at all necromancer. I missed all the uproar, but the piece is interesting, post update. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-06 12:51 PM
This is interesting, cause I know Moonhunter does attack other people's posts out of spite. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-06 01:23 PM
I just didn't dig the story all that much, but I find that that the take on half-elf as interesting. Often I find that people don't play or write the demi-humans as alien enough. And this half-elf Pon-Farr the kid was going through could really help a character get into his character and add depth to a roleplaying scene.

But I cannot stand the over use of the rape of another in a character's backstory and means justifying his behavior. It would be nice to imagine a world in which the hero did not have to fight for sexual possession of his woman. If authors are going to deal with sexual violence then perhaps they should deal more with the victims response otherwise it just seems flippant. In this story the girl is left behind in the Hero's story and his response to her attack. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2007-02-01 10:52 AM
My first comment is that it needs spellchecked. There are enough problems to prevent me from objectively assessing the content itself.

Second would be with some of the sentence structures - you may wish, as MoonHunter often recommends, reading it aloud to yourself to see how the sentences flow. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2007-02-04 06:50 PM
I can't help but be reminded of Vulcans - not that there is anything wrong with that. In this case we have a half-elf very much like Spock during Pon Faarsp.

Post is much better then it started, but it still needs a bit of work. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Wulfhere's comment on 2007-02-01 06:08 PM
The character's basic idea is interesting: A half-elf raised in a land where elves are traditional enemies of humanity, who is forced to flee his home after committing a revenge-murder.

The edits helped untangle problematic details of Piash's history and made it easier to read.

The mental and emotional implications of being a half-elf could still stand to be clarified. From what you said, I gathered that Elves are naturally logical and aloof, and only develop emotional ties as they grow older. Based on this, I assume that Piash lacks understanding of his own emotions and doesn't think clearly when emotional subjects are brought up. I'm not sure what you meant: It sounds like he is prone to killing rages, and may even revel in the emotional catharsis.

Although detailed criticism like this has received can be aggravating, don't look on it as a personal attack. We've all gone through tough criticism at some point, for "iron sharpens iron". If people didn't see the sub's virtues, they wouldn't waste time critiquing it. Advice like "read it aloud" may sound patronizing at first, but it is the best way for you to find the sub's errors. Even veterans of professional writing often use approaches like that to polish their work. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Ramhir's comment on 2010-10-06 11:11 AM
I wasn't here to read the sub the first time through but it seems to me that MoonHunter and Wulfhere's criticisms still haven't been followed up. The sub is still very hard to follow and has numerous spots where I got confused.

And I disagree with you, Strolen. I do blame Necromancer for the emotional response. Criticism is where it's at, after all. If you only wanted egoboo, only show it to your girlfriend or your mom. I doubt that very many of us are at the point where everything we write is perfect (except maybe for you, Captain Penguin :0 ), so we can all use criticism to make our writing better. I'm an author, and I still need criticism! I do agree that we all need to keep our emotions out of our criticisms, but everything except the "You are a terrible writer and all your stuff stinks!" criticisms are ultimately useful to the writer of the sub.

I also taught computer science in high school, and occasionally got to teach a Creative Writing class, and the "That's the way I want it to sound" response to criticisms is either egotistical, or lazy (if there is a difference). Writing is conveying thoughts and ideas, and if they are not getting through, you haven't been doing your job. End of rant. Go to Comment
The Enori
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Forest/ Jungle)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2006-09-15 12:52 AM
There is very, VERY little detail. It is an interesting idea, but what else is there to it?
How as the Enori's "innocence faded"? Why do people want to catch it so bad? Is it divine? It's unique, so where did it come from? Go to Comment
The Enori
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Forest/ Jungle)
MoonHunter's comment on 2006-09-16 09:39 AM
You do need to add the critter's origin to the write up.

How did the creatures innocence fade when the first time anyone saw it it was already corrupted? Should this of been a mythical creature of purity BEFORE, then changed due to events?

Is the creature the "King of the Forest?" or "King of the Herd" or just a creature who waunders?

You do need to check your posts before you put them up. Might I suggest C/P/C?
* Cut the post out,
* Put it into WORD or some other word processor
* Checking - running the spell and grammar checks.
* The cut the corrected version out and paste it back into the post.

Check out some of my advice here to improve your posts. Go to Comment
The Enori
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Scrasamax's comment on 2006-09-15 06:57 AM
An interesting mix of unicorn, psioncist, and Arthurian Questing beast. Not bad but on the lean side for me as well. Go to Comment
The Enori
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Cheka Man's comment on 2006-09-14 04:50 PM
How does the mental power work exactly? Is it like an electric eel's electricty? Go to Comment
The Enori
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Pariah's comment on 2006-09-14 07:33 PM
Mmmrrrrmmm... It's all right. I'd kinda like to know how it came to be, but that's just me. Go to Comment
The Enori
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Forest/ Jungle)
axlerowes's comment on 2006-09-14 03:03 PM
Is the animal intelligent?

But I like the idea as whole, these animals could also be a form pest. Imagine your PCs are giving an ogre chase through the forest and accidently startle a heard of Enori.

This could also be a great tool for a DM desperate to keep their PCs from doing something stupid. Go to Comment
The Enori
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Forest/ Jungle)
axlerowes's comment on 2011-05-12 10:14 AM
I guess I never voted on this and it looks like it isn't going to change any. Despite all the flaws I do like the idea. Go to Comment
The Enori
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Forest/ Jungle)
valadaar's comment on 2006-09-15 09:44 AM
I agree with Captain Penguin. Also, there are some pretty bad run-on sentances:

The hunter left the wood and spent the rest of his life looking for the creature he never saw it again but many hunters to try to find it and some saw it, but their horses could not out run it and its mental power repelled anyone who got close. Go to Comment
The Enori
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Forest/ Jungle)
RGTraynor's comment on 2011-05-12 01:24 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Enori
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Forganthus's comment on 2013-02-07 08:14 PM
I feel like this is a little too bare-bones for me. It's just a deer that has a brain attack. If it doesn't know you're there, you can still shoot an arrow into it. That doesn't sound so hard.

Honestly, I'm imagining it with a giant brain, like Mojo Jojo. Alternatively, it has no legs, and just hovers around the forest like a boss. Throw in some BS, like how elves believe that Enori are actually the souls of lost children, or that eating their brain while making mind flayer noises lets you use their brain powers for a couple of hours, and I think this could be a great little deer. Go to Comment
Daltorz of the inferno
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2006-09-15 12:50 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
Total Comments:
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