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The Spirit Breakers
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Country/ State)
Kassy's comment on 2008-07-12 08:57 AM
Brilliantly executed General!, Keep it up. Go to Comment
The Truth War
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
manfred's comment on 2007-03-25 05:37 AM
Those details aside, mmmm, what a delicious philosophical clash. I'd like a bit more about the details of the movement, but I guess it's clear that such records were destroyed with much vigour. The only thing to ask is, whether there is still some part of the movement remaining, a hard core unaffected yet... they may be dangerous.

Good work! Go to Comment
The Truth War
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Scrasamax's comment on 2007-03-24 07:01 PM
In many ways this feels like a Greek tragedy, with naked emotion and basic nature overwhelming previously cerebral arguments. The only problem I have with it is that such actions seem to go against my connotations of the elves, but very nicely plays into the rhetoric and actions of humans quite effectively. Go to Comment
The Truth War
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Cheka Man's comment on 2007-03-24 06:53 PM
I like this. Go to Comment
The Truth War
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
necromancer's comment on 2007-03-25 11:19 AM
Thanks guys. I know the elves I was describing in this sub are really based on greeks, while the human empire is roman.

I didn't go into much details on the characters because they are really unimportant. Dozus was right in this respect.

I like the idea of a war of ideals and not nations, which I think are more interesting by far. Go to Comment
The Truth War
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Dozus's comment on 2007-03-24 08:26 PM
Seems like a very classic "Religious zeal turns to violent crusade" plot. There's a lot of detail, but I'm not getting a "feel" for these characters. Maybe that was part of your point, that in war there's no individuals just factions. There's certainly an interesting feel to this whole war, though. Go to Comment
The Truth War
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
valadaar's comment on 2007-03-25 11:24 AM
Solidly done!

Is this going to be the springboard for other subs? Go to Comment
The Truth War
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Demagogue's comment on 2007-03-25 11:45 AM
This is a very good idea, but you probably want to go over it for some grammar errors (copy it into a word document or something). Other than that, I liked the way it smacked of the formation of the Nazi's and the Red Army. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Strolen's comment on 2007-02-01 04:23 PM
Not a challenge for sure, as the attempt is definitely there. Still a lot of spelling and grammar problems along with a broken storyline that makes it difficult to follow. I suggest an In-Work status until it has been updated.

There is the one blunt review and I don't necessarily blame necromancer for the emotional response. We do need to continue being tactful to each other and try to criticize without being insulting. Try and take the emotion out of any critiques as well as responses.

I will hold my vote and wait for an update. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2007-02-04 12:51 AM
Yeah, I wasn't doing so well at the beginning there.
I do, however, contest the statement that I'm one of the best- I actually contribute very little and what I do seems rather mediocre to me. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
MoonHunter's comment on 2007-02-01 10:56 AM
Okay a couple of things mar this post

Too many mispellings. You do know that there is a Built In SPELLCHECKER to the Citadel? It is a button right there at the bottom as you edit the file.

I want you to read your submissions out loud to yourself. Don't skip words... read what you wrote. Thus, you will fix most of these errors.

Add a line between paragraphs please. It makes your submission easier to read. A lot of people are looking at it and passing it by without comment or seemingly reading it.

I want you to think in terms of time order. Starting, what comes next, what comes next, and what comes next. STOP SKIPPING ABOUT OR LEAVING STEPS OUT!!!!!!

The Empire a few years his birth began a long war with the elvish nations. What?

The world of Piash is mainly domininated by the empire that rules the all humanity in the north. The Empire a few years his birth began a long war with the elvish nations. After 20 years of varied and inconcluesive conflict with the elves is when the story begins, in a distant imperial province. Why does this have any barring on the character? The Empire has nothing to do with this. All that mattered was a war with the Elves previously. Unneeded complications.

The description does not "flow" very well. There are no transitions between section so we go from physical description to clothing to personality to his profession (which is part of his physical description how? As he seems not to wear fletcher's clothing or carry fletcher tools).

So why did these people adopt him, if they were going to ignore him and the village decided that he should be dead?

note: Fletching and arrows are stereotypical elf. Do you want that?

So how did he get to be a half elf? Especially considering the conflict between Elves and Humans?

That first paragraph of history that zooms from birth to his inheriting the shop... might that be broken up and spread about so we have a flow of time?

This town is big enough OR uses enough arrows to support two full time fletchers? What are they using them for? Do they make them for the military?

Can we explain a) why he entered a tournament that he had no skill in? b) how he got his staff if nobody trained him, c) and.. and .. okay you get the idea.

The old man hoped that the boy might challenge Gazni's father in the senior contest, when he was old enough as Monor could not use the quarter-staff anymore with him permanent limp given by Gazni's father.
Awkward? So how would this kid ever get into the senior's contest?

Gazni was a popular youth and and holf of the youths were his friends and the other half his enemy because of his cruelty, also Menor felt pride for his protege and that was the begins of a strong friendship
Awkward multisentence splice. Fix.

However, some weeks afterwards he was walking Menor's daughter, Elisha - he had become friends with him to the winter fair and the large market that it brought, when Gazni got revenge with his gang. While Gazni beat Piash to a pulp -who was held down of course-, his brother, Gorli grabbed hold and mauled Elisha. Despite Piash calling upon all his strenght he could not stop them from raping her, right in front of him. Gazni, as soon as he stepped out of his bloody trance, realised they would be in trouble and they all ran for it.
Where to begin? One idea one sentence. How about a more chronological approach. Beginning, set up, middle, end.

No one ever saw what happened because they were all at the fair. Wow, what a crappy fair? nobody was there? Were they walking to or from.. on a deserted road/ back alley/ things someone who was universally reviled would of been avoiding his entire life as he would be beaten to a pulp there on a regular basis?

He was tramatised and insecure from that day unward.
It was some years into his life, his 16th year in fact that the true curse of his blood became appaerent. You see humans are naturally instinctive and emotional creatures. They may find logic later in life but they are born to use their hearts. This is the exact opposite with elves, they are a race of logical people that control their emotion expertly. They always make clear decisions without anger or lust getting in the way.

Why isn't this in description. And thank you for telling us what Humans, supposedly the race that is reading this, is like. And this kid was RAISED BY HUMANS... how did he get to be "Elf Like" in his emotional make up?

So in the end of the history section, we get all this personality description.. which might of been better served in the, oh I don't know, CHARACTER DESCRIPTION SECTION?!?!?!?!?!?!

Motivation: Might want to even out that section... Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
MoonHunter's comment on 2007-02-01 10:57 AM
You replied while I was writing the huge post below. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
MoonHunter's comment on 2007-02-01 04:39 PM
First, one does not attack another person's posts out of spite. Doing such again is grounds for account suspension. (Also your reading of the sub means you did not follow any of the links to any of the related subs).

valadaar gave you similar bits before you did the edit. Muro through your sub might need to be challanged (again before you did the edit). It is not just me. You have been here long enough to see what the community is looking for.

Okay: The reason why you seem to get the point by point review is that your pieces have a great deal of potential that they don't live up to. If you polished them out a bit more, they would be highly scored well recieved pieces instead of things that the admins think about putting up for rejection.

If your submissions were half as good as your rebuttle, you would not be getting the point by point reviews. (If this was as good as Oraburg or James Lorus.. yes I do know your posts.)

I have nearly 600 submissions with an average of 4, (average of .6 subs a day ove three years), 2560 comments , untold scroll submissions. And you have 23 with an average score of 2.6 and 42 comments. It is not arrogance, it is experience. I am trying to help.

So, thank you for spell checking. Thank you for adding the line returns between paragraphs.

If it is late and you don't want people dealing with your incomplete or unpolished submissions, then put them in your work space. Simply click the Submission Option - In Work Viewable or In Work Hidden. Release it to the public after an edit or two.

Like I said, if your submissions were half as good as your rebuttle, you would not be getting the point by point reviews.

As for your setting - In what part of this character's backstory AS PRESENTED HERE had anything to do with The Empire (Other than the war, which did not need an empire just someone to fight The Elves). Simply add the information about it if it is important. If you want to put in a setting, then put in a location submission with your empire and link the two.

If there are gaps when nothing interesting happens, then why do sections go back in time and enter events in that area. (or did he get the shop before all the beating, training, and attacking occur?)

Simple ecology makes me wonder about the size. How many arrows does this town/ village need per day (on average)? I mean it is a village, do they go out shooting eveything every day. A score of arrows should last someone a while, even with breakage. Divide this number by 2.

Figure how many arrows a day can a fletcher sell on given day, times the amount they make on each arrow, does this number equal approximately how much they need to live and support a family?

So 20 hunters a day each breaking one arrow each hunt makes for 20 arrows a day. (and if there are twenty people who don't have to tend their fields or shops that day, figure there must be 5-10 more hunting people who can't that day makes for 100 to 200 males). A historical fletcher makes up to two score arrows a day. So lets give you a half pence per arrow profit of 10 pence. Average historical city dweller needs approximately 40 pence to support themselves a week (I am hutning references in the black room right now). So they need to support themselves and spouse and child. which should take about 60 pence.

And there are two fletchers. So there must be a good number of people in this town by the rough numbers.

If the Fletcher love the child, then why did he treat it like dirt giving it a name and no care? It just needs a touch more explanation so people are not scratching their heads.

Oh ans I can see he needed to earn "respect" so he joined the contest. If that had been included in the original post, there would not of been a problem.

If you explained the scene of the attack, and why nobody was around because they were all at the fair. So nobody else was walking to the fair on the public street? Is it is a village then someone should of heard the cries, even with the fair. In a town it was less likely. If it happened somewhere, say where it happened.

You know the answers, if they had been included in the post.. nobody would of been asking. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Scrasamax's comment on 2007-02-03 11:15 AM
Interesting idea, I like the basic conflict between the human and elf aspects of the character's psyche. The flow is still pretty rough and it could use some work. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Cheka Man's comment on 2007-02-01 01:35 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2010-10-06 06:04 AM
Only voted. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Ancient Gamer's comment on 2007-02-02 08:09 AM
A well written comment! Kudos! Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Ancient Gamer's comment on 2007-02-02 04:50 PM
necromancer:
Things got a little out of hand, but I believe you are not alone in this. The feedback as given by various Strolenites is true, though some might want to improve their social skills some. As one who has had to brush up his own social skills from time to time, I know what I am talking about. ;)

I have noticed you running about and reading relevant articles. That is a nice idea, and one I urge you to keep pursuing. But do not forget to have faith in your own abilities. I certainly have, as I have seen both a budding talent and a willingness to learn in you.

Do go on! Some of our prominent Strolenites, like CaptainPenguin, started out with a few not so highly rated posts. Today he is one of the very best we have! Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
necromancer's comment on 2007-02-01 03:14 PM
Ok I admit you might have one or two good points, but there are so many ones that are just nit-picking and without the bad ones to make you comment seem long and arduous, frankly you got nothing.

First off yes I do need to go over my work and I forgot because it was late, in future I will always use spell. This time I simply forgot. No need to use bold on words either, you get too worked up about these things.

I do not leave steps out, if there seems to be a gap it is because nothing interesting happens during that time.

The empire is important to the setting, and it is not only there to make the story too complicated for you. If I only put in the bare minimum you'd be very annoyed and the story would suffer and become thin.

The description was not called physical description for a reason. It just describes the character as he is now. Also you said something to the effect that the 'Straining' was part of the history and should of been part of the description (It seems you became aware of you mistake here and either forgot or couldn't be bothered to fix it). I did not want to reveal this until the end of the description and it was an integral part of the story of his history.

The adoption thing shows your confusion as well. The village did not take him in, the fletcher did, and how does having two fletchers make the village huge. Alinon took him in because his wife died with his unborn child. And they don't hate him enough to just dump a baby on the side of the road or whatever you were suggesting they would be inclined to do.

He entered the contest at first to earn respect. 'This kid' by the way was going to get into the senior contest when he was old enough.

Your point about the fair is unfounded, in a small village everyone was at the fair and the alleyways aren't full of street gangs. This sort of thing happened only because Gazni wanted revenge.

Oh and finally that fuss you made about the human and elf description is, for lack of a better word petty. I'm sorry it if it seemed I was patronizing you (oh wait no I'm not) but I described humans from the point of view of someone that lives in world fantasy world as I'm sure has been done countless times. But I also wanted to show the differences between the two races.

Maybe its time you thought before you write and lose some arrogance. Go to Comment
Piash Nildar
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
necromancer's comment on 2007-02-01 03:27 PM
Updated: Spelling and grammer has been updated. Go to Comment
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