There is nothing wrong with your entry. There is nothing that right about it either. It is long, but uninspiring. You give us all that build up, and all he is, in the end, is just a nearly undefeatable warrior with a small rag tag band of rebels. The Undefeatable warrior is cliche. A small band of rebels is uninspiring. What is he doing now? Really?
Too much build up. It think we would of been more inclined towards the post had it not been so long and complete... detailing this epic figure. Go to Comment
Nah. You did good, but our crew of experienced gamers had seen it before. Hardly your fault, you gave it a good go. Spartacus is awesome by the way. I used to read about him over and over when I was younger. Go to Comment
Updated: Wrong its based on sparticus all the way. And every reference to battle is from David Gemmell. I take back what I said about you always being right. Anyway is that all? Is there nothing actually wrong with my submission? Go to Comment
The general who became a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an emperor. Striking story! But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to challenge the Emperor himself in the great arena?
I don't like the 'you can't use this without permission or nasty people will come and beat you up' aspect of the armor. AS for the Kyters, I coudl see there being kind of a goldrush on their natural supply of ivory, millionares spending a thousand gold pieces for a dozen eggs sort of rush. Go to Comment
A good solid idea, but I must agree with Moon when he states that this is somewhat unclear.
I think I got the point, but you should make sure that I get the point in the post. Open ends are only attractive to create an air of mystery, not confusion.
Still a 3.0 though, if you update this I will update my vote accordingly. Go to Comment
Okay, armour created from Ivory is not too far-fetched - lacquered wood and boiled leather both make reasonable armours. I could see alchemists involved in the preparation of the substance but not in the actual construction of the armour.
Apart from Moons comment on Ivory being bone (its not, similar, but different) his comments are spot on.
I have to agree with Scrasamax. The religion should be a seperate post. The city itself is fairly bland, it needs some details (besides the theocracy) to make it interesting. Why don't you check out the City Image codex. While it has specific rules for its posts, it can give you a feel for some telling details that can be used on any city post. We also have some city posts (location, city, and see the list....) Go to Comment
I think that the Society of Prophets should get it's own post, and delve into some of it's power players and history. The city itself is rather bland, and could benefit from some detailing that would set it apart from the average city. Go to Comment
Theocracy is government by the representatives of a religion: In this case, the Society of Prophecy and their secret police, the Soldiers of Destiny. A real-world example of a theocracy would be Afghanistan under the Taliban. Go to Comment
A grimly cynical theocracy, secretly controlled by the descendants of the merchant-princes that originally overthrew the old order and their mercenary troops, now the secret police force of a manipulative priesthood.
I could see the priesthood developing a rift between the hypocritical prophets that originally controlled it and a new generation of priests that have grown under the new order. While some of these new priests would be as hypocritical as their ancestors, others might have decided that the revolution and its results were foreordained by the gods, just as everything else in their carefully-planned lives is.
Such a city would be ripe for conflict, between the champions of social order ("Truly you are lost in sin, to seek to evade your prescribed place in the Great Order of All Life!") and those advocating the city's rigid castes be eliminated ("Workers of Oraburg, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!")
More information about the methods of control used by the priesthood would be interesting. They would need a detailed system of record keeping and the ability to verify their citizens' personal identities for them to enforce their system. I'm curious what they do with strangers. Do they try to shoehorn them into the caste system or do foreigners have their own specific social niche? Go to Comment
Very good, I enjoy how it's alchemy, so we can possibly see it as some sort of exotic science or chemistry, and not just "magic".
Has the guild been able to produce any more of these? Or are there still only the originals that the three novices made?
I like the effect, and the backstory is adequate.
4/5. Go to Comment