Pretty well done, but it tapers off at the end. Go to Comment

Very nice, but what about the roleplaying notes? Go to Comment

Why did the order resort to blackmail in the first place? Go to Comment

Updated: To get money and power. Go to Comment

I like the idea of this as a sort of treasure hunt, a way to encourage players to explore places more thoroughly than they otherwise would. The submission needs some polishing, some sentences don't read as clearly as they should and some words didn't get spell-checked (libaries, buchered). I think the backstory could be more detailed as to why they were so interested in secrets in the first place, but the core idea is solid. 

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Not bad i really like it, as with your other one i commented on, please finish it so that i may quench my thirst. Go to Comment

Looks like this submission was overlooked...

I think the Desert of Storms could be more fleshed out, as well as the Storm Cultists who seem to live there. What sort of homes and such do they have that survive the storm, or are they nomadic wanderers? Why has the Storm Queen favored them over other folk? Are all children 7 years old 'given' to the Storm Queen?

It seems that the SQ has no respect for the Storm Cultists, since she lashes them with storms and withdraws her protection, and allows for her shards to be made into a tool for non-believers, otherwise I dont think that the chain and manacle idea would have come up. The idea feels like having a chained tracking dog... Go to Comment

Updated: Thats kinda the point she knows that the best searchers are not going to be storm cultists so the manacles are created to provide more hunters. Go to Comment

The points mentioned above aside, it is an interesting idea.

An important assumption is, that vampires need the blood itself, not the feeding. Even if it isn't so, the Quartermasters could do the actual hunt for the victim, and let the boss feed.

As I imagine it, really powerful vampires could have human slaves, and feed on them regularly with their consent (or without). The Quartermaster would then be the 'caretaker' of those slaves.


The question of trust is diffilcut, too. The truly powerful would likely have a better means then a simple oath (or is that blood oath really that trustworthy?) - charming, bonding magics, etc.


Interesting, but missing a few things. Go to Comment

Intersting idea. Much better fleshed out than some of your other posts. However, the language is making it hard to read. (Is English your primary language?) Several statements are contridictory. We need you to be more careful with your writing, to read through it and make sure everything follows in an orderly pattern.

A couple of points of confusion:
You can choose to be one (if you are elite... and how is that determined) or you can be volunteered by your master (which you don't have yet?)

Where and how are they trained? Is there a school? Is it a mentor arrangement? Is it downloaded into your brain?

The whole vampire universe actually. You are writing under a number of assumptions that the rest of us do not know. Since we are not telepathic, you will need to explain all these concepts as we are not familiar with the foundation/ setting behind the vampires here.

And why is this a codex? Go to Comment

An interesting organization, but I tend to think that any vampire worth his fangs isn't going to delegate control of his blood supply to another vampire. Among the undead, blood is power, and giving that power to another would roughly be selecting who you want to betray you. Go to Comment

Updated: No, English is not my first language but I am dyslexic so I have difficulty with writing. I know it is hard to understand a world which I haven't even started to explain but I will get to that soon enough. To Scras, it is like this: a King or Lord does not have to get its own feed so why should Vampires. The Vampires' Blood Oaths are as good as magically binding. As for Manfred I think several ideas can be taken from this but I can only see my one right now.

To Moon: You are right as usual and the codex is for the assasins page.
Sorry about having to write in update notes but I just can't comment with this account. Go to Comment

Hobbits in my world are really just short elves with no magic. While they hold nature in high esteem, they are a practical pragmatic bunch. Without magic, they use human like technology. They are embedded into their nature, living amongst their fields and living a life of tied to agriculture. They do excellent crafting, but stick mostly to wood, clay, with the occasionally forged bit.

They always seem to live amongst the trees. They live in a mixed environment: underground, above ground, and in treehouses. In fact a given clan mannor might have parts underground, on the surface in and in a tree. Go to Comment

This is a good submission that was hampered by bad execution.

So what can we learn from it?

1) See what is out there:
Read a number of submission in the same category as you want to submit one too. This will give you an idea of our "entry requirements" for a submission.

1b) Also by reading around you might find a submission similar to yours. Thus you can learn from that submission and any comments we have made about that submission. You could even find an existing submission that is basically what you wanted to do. Thus you can either add to that submission OR look for a new twist and try to submit your own.

2) Language:
We insist of people striving for proper spelling, punctuation, and grammar. We are an international site, with people from many countries posting here. English is our common language. In fact, many people don't realize that many of our non native posters are not English natives, because they work so hard on their submissions. To make it easy for everyone to understand, try to keep a post free of chat speak and use proper English spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

Many of you will go, "it is just the internet", like that makes it okay to just blow it all off. You may be gone in a few weeks. We will be here. We have been here for 5 years now, and we will be here for many more.

3) Shepherd your thread:
Talk your thread up in the various chats here and away. Talk your thread up in the forum (we have an entire section for that). This makes sure that people know about your thread and you might be able to get people to post to it.

Respond to every comment made to your thread. This not only helps you fix anything you have forgotten or people don't understand, but allows you to build up your submission with the ideas and responses. Also by responding to your comments, you keep your submission on the main page as a newly commented submission. If it is there, people are more likely to look at it. Go to Comment

Ok, I definately dislike submissions like this. After reading al lof the ones that have been put up lately with hey I have an idea but you fill in all the blanks. I realize this is a scroll listing that no one but spark every contributed, that is the only reason why I voted at all.

Can we please get a handle on submissions people. If yo uwant to add content that is great. If you want to do something like this to have a community scroll where, hopefully, everyone adds something. Then wonderful. But put up something yourself first. Fleash out an idea before releasing it to the wolves. It would get much more response than two comments, a single, poor vote, and one scroll submission. Go to Comment

My solution was the Rothondrim. In my world, the Rothondrim are a race of men, yet still somewhat hobbitish, being short and round. They were one of the four origonal races of the continent, which has since become filled with all manner of men from far lands, now established cultures and kingdoms of their own. During the traditional cataclysimic battle of my continent, the Rothondrim took it pretty hard.

The ones of the east were set upon by one of the blood traitors, a Fallen Magi, and most fled to the northern west. Set upon by the hounds of the fallen ones along the entire passage, they came to find the northern Rothondrim broken by plague and war. In the end, the Rothondrim race has settled into three distinct kingdoms and areas following the war.

In the east, those Rothondrim who stayed behind to defend their homes, and survived, became the men of Sul, Broken Hand, a small kingdom centered around the remains of the Rothondrim cities and built on the edges of a dark forest created upon the Dark Magi's death. They are a close-knit, deeply religios and superstitious society, mistrusting of all the outside world, especially magi. They carry the pain caused to them by the dark ones daily, and are slow to forget and forgive.

In the northern west, where the largest population of Rothondrim sat, the kingdoms of the north founded the Haven-Kingdom of Veldea, a land created for the Rothondrim and guarded by the keeps and castles and armies of the kingdoms of the north. It consists mostly of small farming villages widely spread out over fields and forests, with the occasional white-towered city crowning a hill. Origonally, it consisted of the Rothondrim who origonally lived there, along with the eastern refugees, but it has now become a peaceful haven for any who wish to live in peace and modest comfort. This is the "gem" of peace and truth of the continent, and the northern kingdoms would themselves fall to see it protected.

Lastly, the Rothondirm mostly untouched by the wars established the small trading Kingdom of Ric Arana, better known as the Midlands. While the Rothondrim of the middle north and east were being slaughtered and overtaken by the Fallen ones, those of the Midlands grew fat off of the war, trading to the northern kingdoms at great profit. Now, it is a land of wealth and decadence that grows richer by the hour, and has a decidely different culture than those of its brothers.

So, in esscense these are the "hobbits" of my world, with a lot of variation, in that they are men, and they are separated into three distinct areas. Still, Veldea is the "Shire" of the world, a peaceful kingdom of content farmers and refugees.

Hope that was a good start!

(note - Soon, I'll make a scroll of my own about these guys. I've got pages and pages, and this just reminded me that they exist.) Go to Comment

This has some good potential, if only some more people would make some adds... Go to Comment

Updated: Ok i accept failure no need to rub it in. Go to Comment

Someone watched Gladiator (or similar movie, as this is a stock plot in the gladiator genre) and made a fantasy copy.

All that history, and all he is is an invincible fighter with a small band of revolutionary that don't do much since their army was smashed. Go to Comment

There is nothing wrong with your entry. There is nothing that right about it either. It is long, but uninspiring. You give us all that build up, and all he is, in the end, is just a nearly undefeatable warrior with a small rag tag band of rebels. The Undefeatable warrior is cliche. A small band of rebels is uninspiring. What is he doing now? Really?

Too much build up. It think we would of been more inclined towards the post had it not been so long and complete... detailing this epic figure. Go to Comment