You're actually off to a good start. Don't beat yourself up.
If this were my sub, I'd pull out all the video game references and replace them with suggestions for how the organization could be implemented in someone's games. I'd add the historical information that others suggested, along with other interesting facts I'd learned since I started writing the sub.
Since your keyboard is causing you heartburn, you might want to find a better one: There's no point in handicapping yourself. A decent keyboard can be picked up for less than 20 bucks. Go to Comment
Altair is the main Character from Assassin's Creed, a game for the PS3 and Xbox360.
The Whole intent is for someone who wants some basis in history for an assassin group. They have some strange points, such as not running and killing themselves. This is to show their devotion to their leader, which could make them difficult to deal with.
The game section is semi-pointless. It is mainly interesting tidbits for people who played the game to see how much the designers put into the game to make it historically accurate. It does not really have any use in an RPG, no Go to Comment
I apologize in advance for typo's This keyboard in Destin sucks.
Well Scrasamax im thinking of changing the name to "how not to make a sub"
Plagarism? No, I'm just putting stuff in their that I thought would be interesting to be used. The whole section on the game was mainly for people who actually played it. It is mainly pointing out the work of he developers and telling people abou things that the never would have guessed were historical.
No, I dont think that Altair would be a good sub. The Animus, a machine developed in 2012 tha allows you to visit your ancestors memories, would. However, I doubt will ever try to write that. At least no until m writing gets better.
And you give me too much credit. I have never seen nor heard of "the Assassination Bureau" Go to Comment
Here's some notes I made for one of my other projects that you may find to be a source of useful information.
In the late 11th century, the founder of the Order of Assassins, Hasan ibn Sabbah (1050-1124) moved from Cairo to Persia where he acquired a mountain fortress (Alamut-captured by 1090) and created a cult of killers. Hasan's agents (dai) infiltrated the Ismaili infrastructure as well as enemy potentates and notables, gathering intelligence, sowing distrust, and waiting for the signal from the grand master to strike. The dai gained control of the towns and other fortresses in the area. The main body of Hasan's overt teachings were derived from the Nizari splinter of the Ismaili branch of the Shiite split of Islam. Hasan himself became known as the Old Man of the Mountain.
The Ismaili cult consisted of a small, specially trained and trusted inner circle, insulated from and supplied by a large, outer circle of general members. Hasan's cult offered nine levels or degrees of knowledge, starting with the overt and moving toward knowledge of only the word of the grand master himself. By the fifth degree, worshipers had rejected any literal interpretation of the Koran and relied only on the Grand Master's interpretations. Level six initiates abandon all overt forms of Muslim observance (prayer, fasting, etc) and enter the rankings of dai. Ninth degree initiates were inducted into the inner circle, known as the Red Circle or the Red Mosque.
9 Malik (Chief of Chiefs)
8 Imam (Lodge Master)
7 Emir (Commander), Murid (Disciple) and Khwaja (Master)
6 Dayes/Dais (missionaries, highest level of 4 major ops sections)
5 Fidavis/Fidais (devoted ones, third level of ops sections)
4 Rafig ("Friends", second level of ops sections)
3 Laziks (Uninitiated, first level of ops sections)
2 Arif (Enlightened)
1 Salik (Seeker)
Cells of Assassins form Halka (circles) or lodges, requiring a minimum of nine initiates. Initiates were taught not only physical disciplines and killing, but mental disciplines designed to focus the mind, similar to yoga and meditation. In order to exploit the widespread belief in magic, Hasan developed elaborate stage illusions (levitation, shape-shifting, escapology) designed to mimic real magic powers, going as far as to encourage any belief that he and his followers were Jinn in human form. Assassins are likey to disguise themselves as beggars, grooms, Christian converts, Sufi holy men, bodyguards, students, and other non-threatening roles. A common tactic involved following the target at night until he reached a relatively deserted street. The Assassin would move in, grab the victim and stab him to death. They were also known for sending their assassins to kill their targets in crowded public places. The Assassin fully expected to be cut down in the ensuing chaos, believing that their place in Heaven was assured. The cold-bloodedness of such acts struck terror into the hearts of both the common populace and political and religious leaders.
The word assassin is believed to come from the name hashishin, (hashish-eaters) which originates from the rumored custom the cultists had of using drugs before their killings. The true origin of the word assassin is either a misinterpretation of either Hashimite (persons having common ancestry with the prophet Muhammed; from Hasim, Muhammed's great-grandfather) or Hasanites, followers of Hasan. The Hashishin were supposedly destroyed centuries ago, but the cult might have survived in secret to this day. The Order of Assassins is also called The Silver Band, a reference to the silver band used to hold the Ka'ba together. Go to Comment
I'm sorry, but this doesn't work for me. Half of it is a brief overview of the historical assassins -- VERY brief, and used often enough to be a cliche. (Kuseru Satsujin's reply gave some more historical info.) The other half of it is directly (and admittedly) ripped off from a video game. It's borderline plagarism. 2/5.
I'm hesitant to suggest this, because it involves non-borderline, egregious and blatant plagarism, but it would be more useful from my perspective if you posted Altair. I haven't played this game, and (assuming that there's something unique or interesting about him, as opposed to another assassin cliche) he might make a passable NPC.
I did notice the reference to "The Assassination Bureau," possibly the most underrated assassin comedy movie of all time. Go to Comment
Hmm... Like others have said, this piece would be much improved by changing it from a video game to something unique and user created. Perhaps expanding on the real history a bit more and blending it with the fictional parts to provide a solidified whole would work.
Currently, it's little more then a brief recap of the history of assassins and partial comparison to a video game, not really worthy of Strolen's level of quality. Go to Comment
Sheesh, register on the site if you're going to give feedback on something and your words will carry more weight. (For all anyone here knows you're the original poster giving yourself extra support)
People here at Strolen's are tough on subs because we ourselves strive for excellence and refuse to accept run of the mill stuff that doesn't have at least 3/4's of the content created by the poster. (With the other 1/4th being inspiration, or the original race/item etc.. that you're doing a "new take" on.) Go to Comment
While not a bad idea for a low level foe for a starting level band of heroes, this Undertaker seems more like a cardboard cutout than a real character. Also, the presentation while being grammatically accurate, is dry and flavorless. Go to Comment
I am afraid I'm going to have to disagree there, people 'way back when' were not stupid, just illiterate. They would very likely recognize a wound inflicted by a shovel, even if they don't know that death was caused by trauma to the brain. Go to Comment
An interesting idea, but I have to agree with Scrasamax that people weren't stupid, just illiterate. Also, rather than just seeing a gash and believing it was a shovel, they would think of a more realistic weapon, such as an axe, a shovel would be used to hit people over the head, really, really, hard. I didn't notice a dryness to the execution but that may just be me.
I think after the second murder the jig would be up. Humans as a whole are not as stupid as this particular person is. People see things. Hmm, who would kill someone with a shevol? Wait - I know who makes his living with a shevol. Sheesh, there is even some blood on his shevol. Get a rope boys!
The basic idea of a undertaker who kills people to drum up work is okay, but this implementation is too simple to make him a sustainable villan. The assumption that people are simply going to let some psycho runaround unchecked without any efforts to stop him is not a good one. Go to Comment
Well way back then they were as stupid as this guy, only around 1% getting an education and all. Secondly, They would not know that he was killed with a shovel, just that he had a huge gash on his forehead and died from the blunt damage to his brain. They din't have the fornsics back then to know it was a shovel. Now someone might figure it out eventually, but its not obvious enough to find after the second person. Thirdly, I think he is at least smart enough to take the of his shovel.
So he would not "run around unchecked," but close to it. Go to Comment
He might work as a short-term menace for low-level village heroes. You get bonus points for an alternative to the stereotype "following the heroes around with a measuring tape" undertaker. More bonus points for a villain who isn't diabolically intelligent.
There's something lacking in the execution, though, and I can't put my finger on it. 4/5 Go to Comment
Ursula is a were-bear; she and Stewart, the bailiff of a rural feudal estate, are lovers, sharing all their secrets as lovers often do. Recently something has been taking livestock. *He* must deal with suspicions that a bear is involved (one has been seen nearby...): *she* must defend herself if it is revealed (perhaps by a jealous suitor, perhaps accidentally) that she is a lycanthrope. The adventurers might be called in to track the hungry beast(s) and discover her secret, but be able to reveal that the culprits are a small pack of wolves that has moved in to the area. The adventurers might earn the gratitude of both Ursula and Stewart, depending on what they reveal, and to whom.