I don't have much to contribute to the critique of the item, but I think that with a little help, it could be pretty good.
Personally, some of the diction you used, to me, just didn't suggest "legendary" or "ancient" or even "fantasy", for instance, the term "smack dab" is generally not conducive (for me) to thinking about an ancient city, and the use of a familiar term ("you")is distracting.
Also, who is the mysterious "he"? In a story, that'd probably be fine as a plot device, but in these sorts of things, we need an explanation- art must give way to substance.
Last, yes, we need the Destroyer explained.
2/5. I suggest that it could be strongly improved, if you put some time into it. Go to Comment
This has potential. While it skirts on the edge of some cliches, it doesn't jump in and wallow in them.
It appears that the author had a strong vision of the decadent city brought to ruin; he presented his vision, but didn't answer many of the questions that the introductory tale inspired.
Knightscream, describe the weapon as if the tale of Delgora Maldine's fall had not been included. Have a friend read it and get their input as well. It's much harder to see your own errors and omissions than to see others. Go to Comment
I think there is a good idea. The first half of the post had me going but then the details got confused a little and it seemed a bit rushed. If you took your time with it and let it fill itself out by just telling the story of it then this would be a pretty good post. It has some good dynamics that seemed to disappear half way through. Go to Comment
I sort of disagree.
I think that it is, to some extent, a good idea- it boosts the user's speed, but they use proportionally more energy.
But my first objection to this sword is that it has no history. Where did it come from? Why is it called "Beligitor"? Why does it have its power?
Second, the various magic things about the sword- the speed power, the rusty/shiny appearance, and the "bonding" with the user, all seem rather tacked together. There's no inner order to the thing- why would the change in appearance go with the speed enhancement? I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but for some reason it irks me in this item.
Third, the grammar is rather mediocre. Might want to work on that, this is like 5th grade or 6th grade writing here.
I forgot the 4th reason. :)
Oh, and I'm not withholding my vote. I don't do that. For you I say...
I redid the weapon somewhat and am awaiting the results. I apoligize if their are any "miss-spellings" or "gammar" issues but no one is perfect. I really thank you for the critism and want to learn more about making items and other things for this site, so let me know if I can change anything else about my style. Thanks.
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First off, please, please capitalize your sentences. Please. It makes it so much easier for people to tell where they begin or end, which in turn makes for an easier read. A teeny little spell-check wouldn't hurt either.
Second, the premise is acceptable, but at the moment it's rather short. A background would help. Who made it? When? Why? Who wielded it? When? Why? Who cursed it? etc., etc. A good backstory makes any item worthwhile.
I'm not gonna vote yet, that wouldn't be fair to you. If you flesh it out and put capitals in your sentences, I'll give you a vote. Go to Comment
I concur with the penguin, it seems tacked together. It seems almost unswordlike to alter someone's metabolism -- even magically, that would be more characteristic of an amulet or something (or even better, a potion).
And I'm also curious as to the etymology of "beligitor." I'm all for obscure permutations of words as names, but I don't get this one.
The food thing, although quirky, isn't going to be real drawback. Any party worthy of such a powerful sword ought not to have any food problems.
The whole sword-boasting thing smells of my Cathexis, btw. But I'm glad that it was such a seminal post. Go to Comment