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Delgora Maldine
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Barbarian Horde's comment on 2005-09-27 11:12 AM
Not to familiar with this site. But this seams to have potential. Maybe go into detail about how the man was not destroyed or who he is.
-{Will of Megora}- Go to Comment
Delgora Maldine
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
manfred's comment on 2005-09-27 09:36 AM
OK... do a spellcheck first, please.

Then... we will have many questions. Among the first will be why the item would be cursed.

However, there is a grain of an interesting idea here. Go to Comment
Delgora Maldine
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2005-09-27 04:55 PM
I don't have much to contribute to the critique of the item, but I think that with a little help, it could be pretty good.
Personally, some of the diction you used, to me, just didn't suggest "legendary" or "ancient" or even "fantasy", for instance, the term "smack dab" is generally not conducive (for me) to thinking about an ancient city, and the use of a familiar term ("you")is distracting.
Also, who is the mysterious "he"? In a story, that'd probably be fine as a plot device, but in these sorts of things, we need an explanation- art must give way to substance.
Last, yes, we need the Destroyer explained.

Mmm...
2/5. I suggest that it could be strongly improved, if you put some time into it. Go to Comment
Delgora Maldine
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Scrasamax's comment on 2005-09-27 04:06 PM
Part of me really wants to like this item, I mean a weapon of massive power created by an exponentially more powerful force, the Destroyer. But there is a problem.

What is the Destroyer? Is it a grumpy and puritanical god, or is it a random act of nature that smashes places it can't get a good travel package too?

This submission feels hollow, and lacking in substance. It needs something more to stand on that a flashy sword and some good imagry. Go to Comment
Delgora Maldine
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Cheka Man's comment on 2005-09-27 04:41 PM
Yawn. Cliche. Go to Comment
Delgora Maldine
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knightsceam's comment on 2005-09-27 08:51 AM
Got an idea from a few other posts and decided to go with it. Anyway hope you like it.
~~ Go to Comment
Delgora Maldine
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2007-03-02 05:41 PM
Agree with CP on this one. There have been many worse.... Go to Comment
Delgora Maldine
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2009-06-08 06:42 PM
Take the advice given please and consider reworking it.

Go to Comment
Delgora Maldine
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Wulfhere's comment on 2007-03-02 10:30 PM
This has potential. While it skirts on the edge of some cliches, it doesn't jump in and wallow in them.

It appears that the author had a strong vision of the decadent city brought to ruin; he presented his vision, but didn't answer many of the questions that the introductory tale inspired.

Knightscream, describe the weapon as if the tale of Delgora Maldine's fall had not been included. Have a friend read it and get their input as well. It's much harder to see your own errors and omissions than to see others. Go to Comment
Beligitor
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Strolen's comment on 2008-04-21 08:09 PM
I think there is a good idea. The first half of the post had me going but then the details got confused a little and it seemed a bit rushed. If you took your time with it and let it fill itself out by just telling the story of it then this would be a pretty good post. It has some good dynamics that seemed to disappear half way through. Go to Comment
Beligitor
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2005-09-06 05:05 PM
I sort of disagree.
I think that it is, to some extent, a good idea- it boosts the user's speed, but they use proportionally more energy.
But my first objection to this sword is that it has no history. Where did it come from? Why is it called "Beligitor"? Why does it have its power?
Second, the various magic things about the sword- the speed power, the rusty/shiny appearance, and the "bonding" with the user, all seem rather tacked together. There's no inner order to the thing- why would the change in appearance go with the speed enhancement? I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but for some reason it irks me in this item.
Third, the grammar is rather mediocre. Might want to work on that, this is like 5th grade or 6th grade writing here.
I forgot the 4th reason. :)

Oh, and I'm not withholding my vote. I don't do that. For you I say...

2/5. Go to Comment
Beligitor
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Cheka Man's comment on 2005-09-06 03:05 PM
An interesting idea. I feel like making an item of this type with a proper background and backstory.I won't vote unless it is fleshed out. Go to Comment
Beligitor
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
knightsceam's comment on 2005-09-13 08:07 AM
I thank you.
Even though it is a 3/5, it gives me a base to work on.
I am working on Malick, Vansfield, and Beligitior(the person), and a plot for this to so you knowv things happen.
~~ Go to Comment
Beligitor
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knightsceam's comment on 2005-09-06 11:21 AM
let me know what you think.
~~ Go to Comment
Beligitor
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
knightsceam's comment on 2005-09-07 09:10 AM
I redid the weapon somewhat and am awaiting the results. I apoligize if their are any "miss-spellings" or "gammar" issues but no one is perfect. I really thank you for the critism and want to learn more about making items and other things for this site, so let me know if I can change anything else about my style. Thanks.
~~ Go to Comment
Beligitor
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Wogden's comment on 2005-09-10 11:21 AM
Alrighty. You've put some effort into it now. Now it gets a vote.

You've still got a few spelling errors in there and a couple of run-on sentences, but I thank you profusely for fixing the capitals in the sentences. That's one extra point.

The backstory is good. It gives a reason for the sword's forging, and a reason for the sword's cursing. You definitely improved, and that's worth another point.

So, over all, I classify it as an Alright Idea. 3/5. Go to Comment
Beligitor
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Wogden's comment on 2005-09-06 02:20 PM
Well.

First off, please, please capitalize your sentences. Please. It makes it so much easier for people to tell where they begin or end, which in turn makes for an easier read. A teeny little spell-check wouldn't hurt either.

Second, the premise is acceptable, but at the moment it's rather short. A background would help. Who made it? When? Why? Who wielded it? When? Why? Who cursed it? etc., etc. A good backstory makes any item worthwhile.

I'm not gonna vote yet, that wouldn't be fair to you. If you flesh it out and put capitals in your sentences, I'll give you a vote. Go to Comment
Beligitor
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Finger Master's comment on 2005-09-06 08:38 PM
I concur with the penguin, it seems tacked together. It seems almost unswordlike to alter someone's metabolism -- even magically, that would be more characteristic of an amulet or something (or even better, a potion).

And I'm also curious as to the etymology of "beligitor." I'm all for obscure permutations of words as names, but I don't get this one.

The food thing, although quirky, isn't going to be real drawback. Any party worthy of such a powerful sword ought not to have any food problems.

The whole sword-boasting thing smells of my Cathexis, btw. But I'm glad that it was such a seminal post. Go to Comment
Beligitor
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Finger Master's comment on 2005-09-07 11:27 PM
Re-do looks much better. Nice story -- overwrought, to be sure, but cool. Just watch the run-on sentences. Go to Comment
Beligitor
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valadaar's comment on 2014-07-03 10:38 AM
Interestingly, it has the feel of the really old Arthur tales, both good and bad, light on the whys. Some of the things Merlin did not seem to make sense with what was described in the tale.

So, it was a nice sword that resisted being turned to junk by the Wizard, and then to stop the battle (since it would I guess cause lots of collateral damage?) this third party sucked himself, the knight and the evil wizard into the blade?

Now the blade will draw energy to the trapped Evil Wizard, while the 'good' wizard will try and stop this by strengthening the wielder's tie to the weapon?


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