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The Twin Cities of Chantliteotlico
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Plains)
Ancient Gamer's comment on 2006-12-18 02:45 AM
Hmmm... Not much in the way of help for you here.
Well, I will try then:
I scanned the text now and the different tribes, The Eagles and The Jaguars... Well, their names made them sound like they were american football teams.

Additionally the telling itself is dry and clinical. Remember that people will read this, and you NEED to have some sort of flavour. Now some of our GMs do indeed prefer dry and clinical storytelling, but adding some chrome can mean the difference between a read and unread. To be honest: This one was hard to read all the way through, just because of that dryness.

It is a Strolen's custom to have especially juicy text in the blockquotes, to whet our appetites for more and boost our endurance and stamina for a particular submission. Your blockquotes held yet more clinical text. I strongly advise against this!

So, to improve upon this I suggest you immerse yourself in the setting! Read some books by authors you love, and try to discern how they make you become ONE with the book. How do they achieve that? My guess is that some adjectives and exciting moments later you will have learnt much! Go to Comment
The Twin Cities of Chantliteotlico
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Plains)
Ancient Gamer's comment on 2006-12-18 11:07 AM
Yes, it might very well be that the Aztec called themselves that. Yet, as a GM your first commandment is to bend the rules the way YOU like them. See something that does not fit? Why, you throw it away and replace with your own, rinse and repeat!

:)

Hope I didn't come on as an anal nitpicker ;) Go to Comment
The Twin Cities of Chantliteotlico
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Plains)
kamina's comment on 2006-12-18 08:34 AM
Thank You for the advice AG. I am working on spicing this location up, and will take your advice and put the more "interesting" stuff in the block quotes. I will also be adding a plot idea.
I apologize for the warriors sounding like football teams; but, that is what the Aztecs called them :)

I had originaly only intended to submit 3420 and 3421 as NPCs (or possibly color) for a game. I started the city to answer the questions I had been asked. To make it more interesting, I will elaborate on the culture and behavior of the people who live there.

Thank you again for the advice. It is greatly needed and appreciated. Go to Comment
The Twin Cities of Chantliteotlico
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Plains)
kamina's comment on 2006-12-18 01:22 PM
Didn't appear that way at all. :) Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Barbarian Horde's comment on 2006-12-16 08:10 PM
An intriguing Were: A bit villainous without being unrealistic and loaded with crunchy details and plot hooks. Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
manfred's comment on 2006-12-16 03:43 PM
Wow, I didn't know you were a fan of the Aztecs. A dark hero(?) of the bloodthirsty folk, you managed to smuggle into it information I really didn't know. So there was a period for war, and for peace... and this man has attempted to disrupt the eternal cycle, so he was punished and rewarded at the same time. It has a much stronger impact if werecreatures are singular within a culture, and a part of its myths.

Good work! Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Cheka Man's comment on 2006-12-09 12:46 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Murometz's comment on 2006-12-16 03:20 PM
I have a pretty much similar comment on this one, as I do on the Eagle. They stand out, these thropes. Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Murometz's comment on 2006-12-16 03:31 PM
Apocalypto!!! nice timing. Zeitgeist Synergy, i call it. Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Murometz's comment on 2006-12-13 02:16 PM
enjoying the updates Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-16 06:01 PM
Really good! I love the aztec flavour.. Mmmmmm. Aztec.:) Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Wulfhere's comment on 2006-12-16 08:13 PM
Hey! That Barbarian was me! I feel so insulted! Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
the Wanderer's comment on 2006-12-09 01:10 PM
I like the fact that you put in the phonetics (it helped a lot). Good detail on his personality and quirks too.
Now we need to see how to use him, any hooks forthcoming? Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
kamina's comment on 2006-12-16 03:49 PM
Thank you Manfred. The stories of Quetzalcoatl as a benevolent god, and his past and future reign of peace are hard to find. Most of the information we have is post conquest and written by the conquerers. Unless you look at the older myths and pre-conquest texts it is easy to miss. Go to Comment
Tepiltzin (tay PiL tsEn)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
kamina's comment on 2006-12-09 02:13 PM
Wanderer, you don't get to vote on my subs. You're biased. :) Go to Comment
Tlilpotonqui (Tleel po TON k)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
manfred's comment on 2006-12-17 06:04 AM
I like how you sprinkle the sub with details of the Aztec culture. Granted, these are the exceptional heroes of their folk, but you can feel their society behind them.

Also, the NPC itself has plenty of quirks and enough detail to use. Like it even better than the other one. Will there be an article on the Aztec, so we can learn more about them? Go to Comment
Tlilpotonqui (Tleel po TON k)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Scrasamax's comment on 2007-06-22 07:25 AM
The eagle warriors are playable units in the Age of Empires II expansion pack, the Conquerors. While most would use this sort of line as a precursor to a pointing out of things that most people have already figured out (aztec influences) I would point out that the eagle warriors and elite eagle warriors are exceptional soldiers and fighters! The one thing is that having armor of cotton strenthened with salt water is that their armor is quite vulnerable to most weapons and is more ceremonial that functional in nature.

As a side note, I would remove the pronunciation guide from the submission title, but leave them everywhere else. Go to Comment
Tlilpotonqui (Tleel po TON k)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Cheka Man's comment on 2006-12-09 12:47 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Tlilpotonqui (Tleel po TON k)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Murometz's comment on 2006-12-16 02:21 PM
You have managed a "unique voice" on this piece. It went from a were-eagle blurb, to a juicy expose of an entire world. The verisimilitude is superb! I also like that you took it a bit from a historical lesson perspective and nudged it slightly into fantasy's direction.

No more advice needed! Wulf has done just fine there! Wrap it up and release it to the masses!


Kudos kamina! Go to Comment
Tlilpotonqui (Tleel po TON k)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Murometz's comment on 2006-12-16 08:37 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Total Comments:
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