Well, the only thing I can add to Silve's great advice is the same thing Moon always says- read your submission out loud to yourself. You will at once hear what does not make sense and is just plain wrong with it. But it is great to see you try Kalabar, in many ways this is a great step forward compared to a few years back. Go to Comment
I concur with the opinions thus far on this. There are a lot of issues that if addressed, could result in a good post. As it stands, it is incomplete and has many inconsistencies.
Stick with it though - there is atmosphere and a good idea which just needs to be given more attention.
I'll hold off on my vote for now - as it stands it is a 1.0. Go to Comment
Here are a few things you might want to look at, if you ever decide to revise this piece (in no particular order).
"Usstan lar pholor l'dro fashka dos lar dosst ehmtu." My reaction when reading this: "What does this mean, and is it important?" Much later (in "Extra Information") you note that it's the command word that drains life force from a person or object (?), but until then it's just a clunky bit of trivia, and (unless the GM makes you call out unique command words for your other magic items) it's probably still trivia.
In the beginning of the sub, Laerthra seems like Prometheus' little sister, giving humans gifts to copy. Then she gets a little vain and subverts Divine Law as part of a grand scheme to ... make something that humans can't copy, and by the end of the sub she's sucking the soul out of some poor slob who picked the necklace up. Then there's the part about how the wearer (if he lives long enough) can "use the life force from a human" to make super-strong objects. The character of Laerthra is at issue here. Was there always a dark side to her creative personality, or is this an effect of her imprisonment? (This would be less of an issue if the necklace wasn't essentially Laerthra on a leash.)
Speaking of Divine Law, how often exactly do the Gods intervene in mortal life? You give three answers -- none, not often, and one god does little else -- in the same paragraph. This could use clarification.
The sub's writing is unclear and obscure in places. Silveressa already gave a good many examples, so I'll just point out the one that stood out for me: "She had the ability to create other things like: swords, crossbows, chairs, doors, jars, etc. These items were then dropped from heaven and given to the humans." It took me a couple of minutes to stop thinking about how that would play out as a Monty Python skit, which I assume isn't the sort of fantastic grandeur you were trying to achieve.
Back to the sacrifice: is it sacrifice of a human, as stated in Magic/Cursed Properties, or of a "thing," as stated in Extra Information?
If the necklace is put on a tree and disappears, where does it go? I got the impression (from "Later") that it could only translocate itself a short distance (like, for example, the distance from a man's pocket to his neck).
The necklace's powers, overall, seem weaker than the backstory would suggest. The owner of this necklace has the Goddess of Craftsmanship literally in his pocket, at the risk of his life -- and he can duplicate (in D&D terms) 4th and 5th level spells.
I respectfully disagree with Michael. Your last magic item was more internally consistent, it was much easier to read and understand, and its story matched its powers (even if you did use the old Made by an Evil Mage line). This is a noticeable step back. Go to Comment
Okay first off there's some paradoxes with this and stuff left unanswered: (aside from grammar and punctuation which I'll leave for someone else to point out)
A sapphire could be seen hanging from the necklace;
Could? does this mean the sapphire sometimes isn't able to be seen hanging from it?
She didnt create the universe, nor did she create life as we know it, she only created things that the people of the realm are able to use in their daily lives.
Laerthra only ever created necklaces, rings, and other forms of valuables. She had the ability to create other things like: swords, crossbows, chairs, doors, jars, etc. These items were then
dropped from heaven and given to the humans.
Okay so in one sentence she is capable of making everything people can use in their daily lives. In the next she only makes ever makes jewelry? Which is it? Doors jars etc or just jewelry?
Soon the humans learned how to create items much like the ones she made, and she strived to make something that could not be compared to.
Could not be compared to what? Her beauty? The beauty of the universe?
She had created a Sapphire necklace, once that could be unmatched by any other, and there was only one reason that she did this, and that was to have something that could compare to.
Once again compare to what?
The other Gods didn't take this too lightly; in fact they had banished Laerthra into the necklace that she had created, which was then hidden at the bottom of an Oasis, in the Sands of Gartuan.
What happened to the original life essence trapped within the necklace? Why did they choose to hide it at the bottom of an oasis? Last but not least what are the Sands of Gartuan? A gods holy place? A tropical island beach? A desert? What?
he noticed something in the corner of his eyes, giving off a red glow, but when he looked toward the glow it had disappeared. The man jumped into the water and pulled the necklace out.
If the glow disappeared how did he find the necklace?
Gods never transgressed with humans. They usually stuck to their own business, though Ciliantis the God of Epiphany and Inspiration had intervened quite often, in order to help the humans along with their advances in their civilization.
Okay so if they never transgressed then how did one of them intervene quite often?
He had told someone of this item, telling them of its magical ability, but never giving the entire story.
What did he tell them? and who were they? How did he tell them this? Did this one person spread the tale all over the land so it is well known legend? or is this an obscure tale one would have to hunt through scrolls of lore to hear of?
On his way back to town, the necklace had disappeared from his possession, soon after he started to feel the life being drained from his body. After a quick search of the camel, and his body, he realized that the necklace was around his neck.
So is the necklace weightless? Given it's 24 inches of solid gold with a large stone on the end of it I would imagine he would have felt it suddenly pulling down around his neck when it appeared on him.
Honestly while this piece shows some glimmer of promise it feels hurried and lacking cohesion. (along with the spelling errors and word mis uses) Perhaps reworking this piece to correct the contradictions and fleshing it out more can turn it into a worthwhile sub. Currently though it's not ready for the public imho. Go to Comment
It's a Fictional poem about A demon, coming home from a Failed Hunt.
And I will explain my Poem set up
Haiku 5 7 5 (syllables)
Cinquain 5 7 5 7 7 (syllables)
Tonka 2 4 6 8 2 (syllables or words)
Villenell (19 lines)
Tonka 2 4 6 8 2 (Syllables or words)
Cinquain 5 7 5 7 7 (syllables)
Haiku 5 7 5 (syllables)
In that order, if you need me to spell out exactly the format for each poem I will. So the whole "Air tear" rhyme is meant to be like that
Villenel (19 line poem)
A1
B
A2
A
B
A1
A
B
A2
A
B
A1
A
B
A2
A
B
A1
A2
As for the Human emotion, you're wrong.
Everyone has had the feeling, everyone knows the feeling. It's that feeling that you get when you feel like everything is lost, that there is nothing that you could ever do, nothing could ever fix what has happened, and then you get that sudden feeling of rejuvination, one that tells you to fight, and tell you to keep fighting until the end... but in the end you lose anyway.... Go to Comment
Well, you use the air, tear, lair rhyme too often.
As for the poem itself, well, I have failed to discover the true essence of it. There is no metaphor, no essential human emotion or feeling being described.
Furthermore I fail to discover any link to roleplaying and roleplaying games.
I will review this vote if the sub is edited and my key concerns have been addressed. Go to Comment
Perhaps you could link it to roleplayers by making it the final poem of some defeated general? It could be part of the folklore of some culture or something. Go to Comment
I too fail to see how this is related to gaming in anyway. If it was linked to an actual demon sub, or npc sub, or *something* concrete to link it to actual gaming related to the poem then it'd make sense.
Currently this poem could just as easily be about a nightmare, or a horror movie as about something gaming related. (It also feels rather repetitive but that could just be me.) Go to Comment
Well, perhaps a bit too autobiographical for a submission. No, it is too autobiographical for a submission. There isnt anything game or gaming related in this submission. Go to Comment
I like it, a magical item that, while pretty damn attractive to use, has enough of a drawback to make people not want to use it. Also, it's got enough legend in it's background to fit in a low magic world.
Questions, though.
What is the fail safe? Do they die if they wear it too long, see something so horrible that they go mad, does it just stop working, does it give them false information, or what?
Also, can they only wear it for thirty minutes total, or thirty minutes at a time?
Is this something that you could have on your person without being activated?
Does the penalty only kick in every time it's activated, or every time you take advantage of the benefit, or is it a steady drain type of thing (as in for every X minutes you have it activated, you age four years)?
What effect does this have on races/particularly powerful people who don't age like normal people (elves, sentient undead, high level monks in the D&D system...)? Go to Comment
Okay, do me a favor, will you? Will you hit edit submission, scroll down, then start reading what you wrote OUT LOUD. I want you to insert all the words that you missed, then I want you to correct all the wrong words you used. You should have to read it out loud about three times.
This is a really good idea wrapped up in some crappy writing. If someone hasn't shot your last few English teachers, someone should think about pulling their tenure. Go to Comment
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