I like it. It sets an interesting scene as a base of operations for a group of magic users.

There are still a few questions and nitpicks: You should try to explain an odd detail: The mention of the scattered interior buildings. Why weren't they build by military minds? Did the war end just after the walls were made? How could it grow to be feared/desired if all it had was walls? It seems like at least part of the interior should be as structured as the exterior.

Also, a list (maybe a teaser of sorts) of interesting locations the portals can bring you, with brief descriptions.

And what Jerk said.

Other than that, the writing feels a bit bland for such an interesting place. But, I guess not all magical locations can be walls of fire and swirling energy. Good work. Go to Comment

This has undergone a lot of changes for the better. I liked it to begin with, but it has been improved beyond what I expected. So I'll bump my vote up. Good work, keep at it, and I hope you stick around and submit more. Welcome to The Citadel, herrozerro.

Go to Comment

A decent kernel of an idea, plainly written though, and needing some work - presentation, detail, verisimilitude. Also, the name is as if you named London "Imperial Capital 47", and Constantinople "Big City on the Bosporus". Go to Comment

I actually like the idea of these one-way portals, and I like that there remains some mystery as to why/how/etc

agre with Echo on the name of the city, and also Lake Morocco(?!)

Like Dossta's plot hooks.


idea: Rumors abound of a newly discovered portal which allows just the opposite...entry into Telportia, and entry only! The most bizarre beings one could imagine (insert whichever wierd creatures your world calls for) begin to filter through....

Welcome to the Citadel herrozero. Great first effort! Go to Comment

Fair enough. At the end of the day a name is a name is a name. To each his own.

I guess I'm just not a fan of real-world names in my fantasy. It somehow distracts from the immmersion factor for me. (As far as Lake Morroco).

Telportia in a similar vein, just seems a bit too hammer-over-head-meets-Harry Potter-ish. However, I kinda dig the explanation provided. The mages nick-named the city thusly, and eventually (and quite naturally), the city took on this name permanently.

Names do follow function and all that. Lots of weirdly named towns around me too. You're right. But since we offer our subjective opinions and all...

Fortunately, the names were a very minor nit-pick. I also mentioned that I liked the idea, threw out a plot-hook, commended Dossta on his, and welcomed you to the citadel. :)





Go to Comment

Then you should lead with that....

This is a very strong idea and we can use this to discuss some basic and detail minded qualities of a good post. I suggest changing the structure of the first paragraph into a more active voice and will clear thesis sentence.
"The Teleportia Citadel is the last bastion of hope in a world over run by the living dead. It is a well designed, well placed fortress that was serendipitously built upon a natural focus mystical energy. It possess a superior defensive position adopt an isolated Mesa, and it has extensive underground caverns filled with facilities and materials."

Or something with more of a hook to it. Also who is writing this, is this a GM describing a gaming tool or do want to write from the perspective of one of your characters. Go to Comment

I don't know if it would be "best", but it would make for a more interesting read. Go to Comment

Great location!  I have a weakness for portals and this is good application of one.

Though, what is preventing a targeted kingdom from putting a wall around the destination point - even it if it covering many square miles, or diverting a river to flood it? 

I know if I had such a location in my kingdom I couldn't controll I would. Anyone teleporting in without prior communication would be sprouting many arrows, or drowning.

 

Go to Comment

What does Teleportia look like? How easily defended is it from someone kicking down the door and getting inside? Go to Comment

Not bad. How does one activate the portals/teleportation? Are there set portals to fixed locations, or is it more flexible? Go to Comment

So portals are mostly already predefined to specific locations?
Is it possible to establish new portals?
Is Teleportia a unique place, or do other teleportative hubs exist? Go to Comment

Very nice: one use that comes to mind would be an adventure wherein an opponent/enemy of the PCs had managed to somehow master the lines. The PCs would have to travel to teleportia the "old fashioned way", and route their nemesis out. In the meanwhile, he'd be able to 'port his minions to the PCs; giving them some opposition at various interludes during their trek. Perhaps there could be a pattern to the lines; which the PCs might be able to deduce in order to avoid (or at least be prepared for) the antagonist's ambushes. Go to Comment

I like this. There are tons of hooks for an adventuring group:

* The PCs must flee Teleportia and only have time to jump through a random portal
* The PCs are chosen as an elite exploration team, sent through some of the previously sealed portals to see if they will be able to return

Teleportia could also be an invaluable way to dispose of societal . . . problems. Criminals could be banished through them (perhaps establishing a penal colony on the other side). Unscrupulous rulers might also banish political enemies (or the PCs) in this way. In the later case, the characters could be hired by someone to bring one of the banished back!

Very cool. Go to Comment

I just realized that I had never voted on this, and am correcting my mistake now.  Lots of improvement to this piece, and a worthy first submission.

Go to Comment

What do you think now? Go to Comment

Added:
Small list of portals
Added more history Go to Comment

Yes.
It is possible, but the easy lines are already tapped, it would require more research.
Unique... sofar... Go to Comment

About the naming convention, what is it exactly that puts you off of it? Names often follow function or are descriptive of the area around them. For instance, I know of a town nearby that is called Portage, because it used to be used in that manner a long time ago.

Also nearby is the town of Vulcan (No lie!).

So im not quite sure what even the point of Morocco being named makes. To me I used that name because it sounds sort of exotic and also conjures images of the area I want to capture. Go to Comment

Telportia in my setting is the last bastion of hope in a zombie apocalypse, the main quest is that the water is running out so a party must leave and find a new source of water. (Its a bit more complex but you get the idea.) Go to Comment

You mean Istanbul?

Well im not quite sure what you mean by the names being off, Constantinople was named after a man and before that it was Byzantium, home of the byzantine empire.

Not very original names in and of themselves. NAmes can follow function, perhaps Telportia is a nickname given by the wizards who discovered the phenomena.

I guess my point is that im not quite sure what you mean by the name ruining immersion. Perhaps you could expand? Go to Comment