Well, not sure if you really understand the whole "roleplaying" aspect of this- roleplaying is generally done in groups, with all the players playing a long-standing character.
But anyway... It isn't *that* bad, just needs more substance to it. Why did Katherine betray Addric? Does she hate him? What does the title "String Puppets" have to do with it (besides Addric's powers)? I enjoy your take on magic, though- everyone has a specific power.
So, needs improvement, but not *totally* unsalvageable.
FS (Is it okay if I call you FS?), the thing about this plot is that it seems very empty. Not really much to do- I could see an interesting Bourne-Identity-ish chase scene, and some interesting thief fights, but there is little in the way of actual plot.
Why would the first queen hire a thief who had been stealing from her? Why is he sent as a lone spy, and why not a whole crew of spies? Why does the second queen have a better spy network? Go to Comment
There are many things in the articles section that you may find helpful, but you might be better served by reading some of the better rated plots here. That will give you a better idea of what we are looking for in a post.
So cut and paste this link...
"Doctor, doctor, we've found some bones over here!"
"Looks like the bones of a Plot, but there isnt much to go on. Some of these dont do too well when not given enough time or detail."
"Can it be repaired, or fixed?"
"Of course, but it will take some time and some elbow grease, as well as possibly some lucibration, the midnight oil, you know."
"What can we do?"
"Well, lets start at the begining, this seems very much like an uncommon lone spy mission, but thats not very good for a PC party, so the Queen could instead of hiring an untrustwortrhy thief could instead use a band of proven, if not yet famous adventurers instead, allowing them to use a variety of their own skills instead of skulking in the shadows and hiding and stealing things."
"But what about the other thieves who are opposing the heros?"
"Back in olden times, like now, there was an equivalent to a Intelligence service, these Queens men would be the antagonists. Have you ever read any of the Tom Clancy novels? Its not 100% cloak and dagger, there are other elements that can be used to flesh out this plot."
"Like a traitor in the Queens men, or a rogue agent with a prismatic spear?"
"Maybe not that much Tom Clancy, but you get the idea."
How is this a plot? Maybe for a book, but it'd be a pretty boring or pretty juvenile book.
Who is this girl? Who is the mystical being she meets? What are the different creatures? What do the king and queen have to do with it?
If your target audience are small children it is a nice concept. you might want to colour it even stronger, more black and white, as children sometimes have problems understanding the more subtler nuances. (Like irony, shades of grey, etc...) (The raiders could be depicted more vividly for instance. Also: Put a note on your story, informing us about its intended audience)
If the target audience is adults you might want to heed the captains words, unless you are aiming for a naivistic and simplistic setting. Go to Comment