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Eyre Magick - Disciplines of Magick
Systems  (Mystical)   (Defining)
Cheka Man's comment on 2012-07-04 09:57 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
Eyre Magick - Disciplines of Magick
Systems  (Mystical)   (Defining)
Kassy's comment on 2012-07-09 08:21 AM
I like this. It's well-written, maybe a little too complicated as Forganthus' already pointed out.

My one major gripe with this submission is the amout of words you have highlighted in bold.

Other than that, a solid submission. 3.0/5 Go to Comment
Eyre Magick - Disciplines of Magick
Systems  (Mystical)   (Defining)
Forganthus's comment on 2012-07-06 12:07 AM
There's a lot of thought here, and I DO love a comprehensive magic system that is more complicated than "I wave my hands and say the right words". In fact, it's so specific that it makes the submission less usable.

I do like Abysmal-Craft Magick, though. It's like metallurgy-alchemy, and you don't need to be a wizard to do it. Go to Comment
Eyre Magick - Disciplines of Magick
Systems  (Mystical)   (Defining)
clydedavis's comment on 2012-07-06 03:40 AM
There is yes, and that's true in some fashion. It's less usable in the sense that a DM couldn't simply look at this submission and apply it that easily to a game, and it was not intended to serve this purpose. This is a piece of a much larger system within a world in development. It's meant to be used with all other pieces to this world (though I'm sure it could be modified with some effort to function elsewhere). So, it's usability suffers when it comes to applying it to other games, but that's because it's not intended to be applied outside of this world in development.

Yes, it definitely is. That was part of what made the idea appealing. On-top of that, I think it'd create some interesting diversity between cultures and societies that will most definitely shine through when more of the world is developed. Some of the possibilities of this Magick will be showcased when the "Eyre Magick - Practices of Magick" is released.

Thank you for taking the time to comment on this and vote. I appreciate it. Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Strolen's comment on 2012-06-25 11:02 AM
An interesting substance and pretty darn dangerous in the right circumstances. The signs and plot hooks pulled it all up for me.

Although I am curious if you could smoke or otherwise use the dried portions for something. Was thinking it would be more stable in its dried form and it was missing a use there. Additionally, how could I resist the thought of collecting some in pottery jugs with an ignition source and tossing them over the wall to burst into a chemical gas attack.

(For readability, I would prefer it broken up a bit so that it is easier to reference if I was to use it. It is difficult to slog through the large paragraphs to find, say what a high concentration would do and its separate stages of growth etc.) Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Strolen's comment on 2012-06-27 02:18 PM
With the reformat it is definitely easier to find and read! Good work with the changes. I must still agree it might be a little too heavy on the information but perhaps not. I think what is missing is a unique voice that most subs have. It is so drenched in detail that your creative style isn't coming out in it. Perhaps that is what I am sensing. But it is a great idea, just missing a little flair. I think each submission here requires fifteen pieces of flair. ;) Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Cheka Man's comment on 2012-06-25 05:59 PM
You could have a sect that uses this to kill people. 5/5 Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Kassy's comment on 2012-06-28 06:38 AM
I held off on voting until you re-formatted it.

I really like the new layout. It's well written and presented.

4/5 and a hearty welcome to the Citadel! Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Dossta's comment on 2012-06-25 04:51 PM
The Good: great detail on this sub! It is obvious that you put a lot of thought into this plant, and the plot hooks are great.

The Bad: too much detail! I don't often recommend trimming a piece down, but you've given me far more than I ever needed to know about this plant. Remember your target audience. A harried game master, looking to add some quick detail to his/her world, is not going to want to wade through all the details that a biologist might. A game master is going to want to know the basics: what is this thing and what does it look/feel/taste/etc like? Where do I find it? How can I use it? For these questions, the most useful sections are "Signs" and "Plot Ideas" -- which are short, straight and to the point.

The Ugly: I'm glad that you broke the sub down into lots of paragraphs. Why is there a leading "-" in front of all of them, though? Usually, those denote lists of information, and are appropriate in the Plot Ideas and Signs section.

Suggestions: Trim it down a little, or rewrite your "In General" section to give all the basics up front. Basically, put the information we need all in one place.

Overall though, well done, and welcome to the Citadel! Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Dossta's comment on 2012-06-28 10:05 AM
Alright, on the second pass you've condensed a mass of information into a submission that is a lot more readable, and therefore more usable. Well done! I will second what Strolen said, however -- now that you've got the info-dump tamed, it's time to pretty her up. The last time I wrote a sub with this many details (details I just HAD to leave in, because they were important parts of how the organism worked), I needed to find a way to present those pieces without my audience getting bored. In writing, this advice is often given as "show, don't tell." Try to show me some of this information through the eyes of someone experiencing it, instead of just telling me about it.

Here's the sub that I struggled with: Memory Moths. It has huge amounts of detail, and I had to work really hard to keep it engaging. Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Dossta's comment on 2012-06-28 11:10 AM
It was a pleasure. In the end, it's best for the author to decide what's best for his/her submission, and I'm glad that you've brought it to a place you're happy with. :) Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
clydedavis's comment on 2012-06-25 12:17 PM
Firstly, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read first, and to start off with my response, I'll just respond to the last part first. As for the readability, I totally understand. I actually didn't notice how long these paragraphs were until I re-visited this, but now that I do, I'll fix that up right away. Thank you for mentioning that too.

The dried form as mentioned is typically used by being ground into a powdered form and snorted or consumed as a minor hallucinogen. As for smoking it, I'll add a brief piece on that now. Thank you for pointing that out.

Also, yes, that would be an interesting and effective use for sure. One could use the living form, which will remain alive for up to 72 hours after it's been removed, which would prove most lethal. The reason it would be lethal is because in it's living form, it's still able to produce the by-product, so when burned, it releases these toxins at an alarming rate. The dried form wouldn't be nearly as effective but would likely still invoke some minor delusions and paranoia.

I'll get onto writing more into it, and organizing some.
Thank you for taking the time to read through Strolen. Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
clydedavis's comment on 2012-06-25 12:55 PM
I've modified it slightly, breaking it down into individual points, but I'll go back later to clear it up more, re-write some of it, and add in a little more on it. Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
clydedavis's comment on 2012-06-25 06:38 PM
Thank you very much, I'm very glad you like it.

Regarding the bad and the ugly bit, I'll be rewriting it a little. Perhaps I could create two distinct sections, one that goes in detail, and one that's more to the point. This will help everyone navigate with more ease. I think I'll do that actually, and hopefully it makes things much more readable. The "-" 's were just a quick way of separating core ideas done as a minor edit afterwards, but soon to be fixed.

I'll take your suggestions and rewrite it up, hopefully in a more concise and easy-to-use manner.

Thank you for the welcome! Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
clydedavis's comment on 2012-06-25 06:39 PM
I very well could, and that actually gives me an idea for a few more plot hooks, so I'll add a few more of those in there in a short while. Thanks. Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
clydedavis's comment on 2012-06-26 06:15 PM
Update: Re-organized Information Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
clydedavis's comment on 2012-06-28 10:47 AM
Thank you, I'm glad it's become more more useable.
Hm, I'd be inclined to disagree that the information was too heavy. Perhaps it would be on the heavy side for any irrelevant life-form, but I think the amount of information is appropriate considering that this life-form has the ability to drive questing. That'd just be my personal opinion though. As for a unique voice, I agree. This is more put-forth as listed information (which is what I was going for). How would you suggest I develop a more unique voice though? Hm, thank you. What things do you think could flair it up?

Thank you for taking the time to re-read the edits and re-comment. Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
clydedavis's comment on 2012-06-28 10:49 AM
Thank you for reading through and taking the time to comment.
I appreciate it greatly, and thank you for the welcome Kas. Go to Comment
Clypse
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
clydedavis's comment on 2012-06-28 10:56 AM
Thank you, I'm glad it's a lot easier to read through. Alright, I see what you're getting at. In that case, I'm pretty happy with where my submission is at. Rather than this being written purely for the enjoyment of the readers (in an entertainment sense), it was written more to be implemented into RPGs for DM's. Good work with the Memory Moths sub too though. I see what style you were talking about.

Anyways,
Thank you for re-reading and re-commenting Dossta. I really appreciate it. Go to Comment
Eyre Codex
Articles  (Resource)   (Game Mastering)
valadaar's comment on 2013-10-16 02:13 PM
Update: Really not ready for prime time. Best keep it in work until there is content to add. Go to Comment
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