Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Slash
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Trans World)
Cheka Man's comment on 2009-06-05 07:35 PM
Good but you need more details, then I'll vote. Go to Comment
Slash
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Trans World)
valadaar's comment on 2009-06-05 07:01 PM
Well, its all history and nothing really specific about the group.

I think you need to add something for their organization, tactics and other details to make them interesting.

Go to Comment
Slash
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Trans World)
cloudncali's comment on 2009-06-05 05:23 PM
Update: Fixed some spelling errors Go to Comment
Slash
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Trans World)
Grey's comment on 2009-09-07 11:07 PM
Promising, but I'll hold off on voting as this seems unfinished. Go to Comment
Slash
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Trans World)
Nafar's comment on 2010-04-28 01:49 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Sonic Bell
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Combat)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-04-21 09:38 PM
A good idea but it lacks a proper backstory and the stats are off-putting. Go to Comment
Sonic Bell
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Combat)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-01-02 10:11 AM
are not all bells sonic?

Go to Comment
Sonic Bell
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2008-04-22 10:07 AM
Okay, there is a seed of a good idea here, but the submission is simply not ready.

1. Several sentences do not have the first word capitalized.
2. Periods need to have two spaces following.
3. Commas follow text without a space, and have a single space afterwards.
4. Several spelling errors - nocks, citys.

If you need a good spellchecker, use Firefox as your browser, or download openoffice, both of which are free and easy to use.

Please, I do not like having to point this stuff out to people - when you leave this many errors in your text, it looks like you simply do not care enough about your sub. If you don't, why should we?

Simply addressing my four points above would bring your sub to a 2.5, making it resound more with better details and perhaps a colorful backstory would earn an even better rating. Go to Comment
Sonic Bell
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2009-05-26 02:49 PM
Update: Back to your work pile to bring it up to standards. Go to Comment
Sonic Bell
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Combat)
Misanpilgrim's comment on 2008-04-22 04:27 PM
Well. Where to begin...

Spelling, punctuation, and grammar: it's really distracting, but a good enough sub could overcome that. However... there isn't much of an idea there, I'm afraid. So it's a concealed weapon. Okay. And it's green, "for reasons that are unknown," which is the most interesting detail in the sub.

By the way, your thieves' guild was looking for a stealthy, concealable weapon. Sonic attacks are not stealthy. The evil wizard needs to go back to the drawing board. (Is it possible to put a "silencer" on a sonic effect, or does he need to use some other form of attack?)

By the way (part 2), about the evil wizard: Sure, he's working for the thieves' guild, but there are enough non-evil thieves and thieves' guilds in fantasy that making magic items for one doesn't automatically make a wizard evil. This detail needs to either be defined or removed. Go to Comment
Ven Cred
Articles  (Character)   (Gaming - In General)
Mourngrymn's comment on 2008-04-16 08:30 AM
This seems more like an NPC write up to me,not an article on character gaming. Unless I missed something. Articles are usually used to help others with learning something about gaming, whether it is how to best role-play, create gaming ideas, stories, scenarios, adventures, campaigns, etc. An article is a helpful tool for players and GM's to use. Hope this helps. Go to Comment
Ven Cred
Articles  (Character)   (Gaming - In General)
Dozus's comment on 2008-04-02 08:30 PM
So far, it seems like an eccentric retelling of a classic vampire. I like the personal aspects, but I'm more interested in the "To be continued" part. Why should I be more interested in Cred than the average "Undead with wanderlust searching for a lost love" story? What makes him stand out? I think this has great potential, and I'd love to see what you can accomplish with him, Cloud. Go to Comment
Ven Cred
Articles  (Character)   (Gaming - In General)
valadaar's comment on 2013-05-25 08:53 PM
Article,Fiction would be a better assignment for this one.

The vampirizer in the box is an interesting idea though. Go to Comment
Ven Cred
Articles  (Character)   (Gaming - In General)
Misanpilgrim's comment on 2008-04-04 12:58 PM
The "to be continued" part should include:
1. Who the mystery man is, and why he's handing out Vampirizers.
2. What Van is going to do with his new undead-ness. The love of his life is dead, he's as close to immortality as it's possible for a human to get... now what? Go to Comment
Ven Cred
Articles  (Character)   (Gaming - In General)
cloudncali's comment on 2008-04-11 10:06 PM
Updated: Updated: Sorry about the delay on the update. I had a writers block.
After death part 2 coming soon(hopefully). Go to Comment
Ven Cred
Articles  (Character)   (Gaming - In General)
Aramax's comment on 2008-05-11 01:13 PM
Lose the button,it makes it too techno for me,keep on plugging! Go to Comment
Zigerot
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Kassil's comment on 2008-02-26 02:51 AM
A great deal?

I recommend looking at some of the other lifeform submissions to get an idea of what you're missing.

Questions to consider: why does it exist? Is it the progeny of some evil god, a freak result of some magic-tainted swamp that has survived, the work of some mad druid? Are they an ancient race from days of legend, seeking to quell the 'quick' races? Why do they love water so much? Do they ever approach drier lands, or are they swamp-dwelling exclusively? Are there any beneficial properties to them, such as fragments an alchemist or mage might want, or an instinct to 'tend' the lands around them? What plot hooks can you think of to be associated with them?

As you have it written right now, this is more of a stub than anything else. Also, the submission section has a button you can click to check the spelling; if you do it on every submission, you'll come across as a fair bit more articulate.

You mention 'legend busters' without providing anything of use; it seems more like a random 'hey cool name' than anything actually involved in the submission itself. Go to Comment
Zigerot
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Kassil's comment on 2008-02-29 03:05 PM
Even *with* the Myth Busters line it feels like looking at a cartoon 'spooky' tree. Go to Comment
Zigerot
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Scrasamax's comment on 2008-02-28 10:59 PM
Legend Busters = Mythbusters, clever.

Other than that this feels like looking at a Spooky Halloween Tree. Go to Comment
Zigerot
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Swamp)
Kinslayer's comment on 2008-03-22 01:28 PM
I hope I don't cause offence at taking a crack at a re-write, and adding my ideas in the process.

The common zigerot (Zigerotis cerris) is a large, carnivorous, land-dwelling cousin to the hydrazoa. In its adult form it typically ranges from ten to sixteen feet in length at full tentacle extension. A visual mimic, this animal's exoskeleton (theca) resembles bark and a leafless oak tree. As an ambush predator, it lies in wait with its distinctive grinding mouthparts attached to the soil (which also helps anchor it in high wind) with its sensitive branch-like tentacles raised rigidly in the air, alert for any vibrations or chemical scent of prey in the air. When food is detected, the body bends back, bending the trunk so that the 'branches' touch the ground. Raising its mouth from the ground, the multi-toothed maw is brought upward & forward to engulf the prey. The short 'roots', actually feeding tentacles, try to whip and sting. The zigerot's stinging cnidocytes is not further developed from their smaller kin; though it contains a potent paralysing neurotoxin when employed against microscopic targets, it is merely a painful stinging used against large animals, similar to that of some jellyfish. When attacking, a distant observer will see what appears to be a tree turn upside down & try to smash someone with the base of its root cluster. The unfortunate victim sees only the great Sarlaccian mouth. When moving to a new hunting ground--which is an uncommon occurrence--the 'upper' tentacles, the branches, act as the means of locomotion.

The freshwater zigerot (Zigerotis lobatae) is identical to its more common cousin, save for its environment & long, spindly, drooping tentacles. These lack the fully-developed theca that helps protect Z. cerris from dehydration, and this causes gravity to pull them downward, resembling a dead willow more than a dead oak.

False coral (Zigerotis protobalanus) and rare Blanchard's Coral (Z. mesobalanus) are the less common members of genus Zigerotis. In habitat, form, structure, and lifestyle, these are more similar to the coral they mimic than their terrestrial cousins. The so-called Blancard's Coral, which is actually a type of zigerot and not coral at all, is a communal organism. Unique among the other zigerots, this species features the neotenous traits of having a hard theca and reproductive ability without the normal metamorphosis of budding & splitting. Like proper coral, Z. mesobalanus makes their homes upon the corpses of their parents and ancestors. False coral (Z. protobalanus) on the other hand, feeds in much the same way as the common terrestrial Z. cerris. The primary distinction--as with Z. lobate--is in appearance and habitat. False coral, as its name implies, has a stony pale reddish theca. It retains the cracked appearance from age, but grows in spurts while more rapidly filling in the gaps in the carapace. This causes a more spiny or thorny appearance as broader layers from new growth push the older & sharper sections outward. The greater weight of protobalanus's theca is alleviated by buoyancy, but they are no more mobile than either the common or freshwater zigerots. Z. protoblanus and mesobalanus are fully marine.

All zigerots are completely blind, lacking even the minimal vision of their tiny marine ancestors. They are as long-lived however, and have been known to haunt an area for many decades, perhaps centuries. They also retain the impressive regenerative capabilities, but due to their much greater size the apparent effect of healing seems slow.

All forms of zigerots reproduce by budding--again, common to other hydrazoa--but in a destructive manner. On the rare occasions that two meet--any two of the same species, as they are monoecious as well as semelparous--they intertwine their 'upper' tentacles with the dangerous mouths kept far apart, all while Barry White plays in the background. After mutual fertilisation the pair separates, and new buds grow on each parent. These lack the protective theca shell, and emerge from the parent mouth-first. These buds quickly grow, and take nutrients from the parent's body at a lethal rate. Within two weeks the buds have drained the progenitor dry, leaving only a lifeless husk. The parent's shell then breaks apart under the weight of its children--killing some in the fall as they lack a protective coating at this point. Some juveniles may form colonies in the location, but most species separate after birth. The protective theca forms after the first week or two following separation/birth, but does not resemble tree bark for much of the first year. As the zigerots do not molt, the shell cracks as the body expands, and it is the process of breaking down over time that gives the naturally light bluish skin the darker shade of wood. Most juvenile zigerots do not survive this crucial first year. Go to Comment
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