I more or less have the same thoughts as Forganthus with regards to the underlying concept(s) for this sub. Personally, the write-up will get at least a 4 from me, though I also admit to not particularly liking the fact that as the sub currently stands, the coins seem to be a way for Alira to bypass Polleus and resurrect someone already dead even if her petition fails (although not a way that guarantees success but still a way) which then sort of defeats the purpose of Polleus not agreeing to the petition in the first place. But this new idea proposed by Forganthus fits this "logic hole" nicely. Will wait till the new version and then vote. Go to Comment
Part of the concept is the admission that "yes, here are three unrelated things (coins, mercy, time) that we are going to blenderize into an item."
So it does seem a bit awkward, I guess.
I just imagine that the rudest thing that a goddess of mercy can do to the god of death is resurrect someone that is already dead. This is Polleus' way of letting Alira resurrect people without letting her rob him.
Can we add something about how many of Alira's greatest champions have these coins set onto their armor/staff/necklace? It might be interesting for a PC to learn why a high cleric of Alira is wearing a coin with Polleus on it. Go to Comment
I don't normally rate a short sub so highly, but I love the background and logic behind this piece. The system of barter between the gods of mercy and death hints at an entire culture just waiting to be explored. The only modification I would make if I were to use this, is just return the person to life, rather than send them back in time (but that's really a matter of personal taste; this would work just fine as is for someone who like time travel threads). Go to Comment
The writeup seems a little confusing but I was able to get it after a few reads. It could probably be clearer if there was more. For instance, maybe a description of a specific soul who was held by Polleus (and why) followed by how the coins given to Alira's priests were used. Go to Comment
There's... Quite a bit of coincidental things here. He just happens to know a nigh-untraceable killer who poses as a merchant? The king, having trusted him with such a high position in the first place, takes it at face value that the mage intended to kill him and seize the throne? A large number of people angling for the throne, all in cahoots, none of whom think that perhaps allying themselves with this potent mage and turning in their allies might get them a better clear shot at the throne? It seems more than a bit implausible to me, to be honest.
Also, if you were to wait a few hours for the dagger's blade to dissolve, I'm fairly sure the corpse's blood will be well on the way to congealing within the body, rather than fluid enough to have anything dissolved in it. Likewise, as was mentioned before, if the mage just wanted revenge, what exactly is the point of the dagger's hilt dissolving to become the home of a 'death wraith'?
And one particular nitpick on spelling/word choice: dissolvement? I get what you're intending with it, but 'dissolving' and 'dissolution' are both perfectly functional words for it. Go to Comment
Okay. You need to format your sentences and paragraphs to make this readable.
Can you read your piece outloud? If you do so, you will find a couple easy to correct errors.
The desolving weapons are interesting, but oddly explained. They don't regenerate do that? Are they one use only? If the assassin was any good (and he was by your prose) then all of these weapons should of been used up.
If he had to sneak the weapons into their hands, so they would kill themselves? Why not send them as gifts (annoymolusly of course).
The compulsion to kill oneself is odd since the weapons used against the target. Go to Comment
When the king heard of what had happened he was shocked and because he placed such trust in the high mage he agreed with
him that he should be exiled from the city of his birth.
his heart and mind consumed with fury, he turned to darkness.
In these two sentances I see a few to many pronouns. A good submission nonetheless. Go to Comment