Deep within the subterranean domain of Van Torxus, the Li'vah scuttled and dug, endlessly driven to claim more for their master. Dread gripped their feeble minds, fear of the vengeful elven mage that had created them and could destroy them at a whim.
I really like these little subterranean constructs. They remind me of my blind undersea race, theTrench Dwellers. As Manfred suggested, I got the impression that the Li'vah feel emotion, but I might be reading more into the sub than was intended.
The Li'vah have personality, even though they could stand more detailing. I also appreciate the unusual behavior they exhibit, raiding local villages. Do they need something from the villages, or were they ordered to raid by their cruel master just to sow panic and chaos? They have powers of illusion, but these seem to be quite limited. Perhaps they lack the imagination needed to make more effective use of their powers? As creatures without a sense of sight, how do they perceive these illusions?
Their understanding of the world around them might be dramatically different from that of most creatures. As creatures with very limited perceptions, they might only feel safe in enviromaents where they can sense the solid barriers protecting them: In the open, foes outside the range of their perception would be a serious threat.
The Li'vah were crafted of greyish stone and Fire Clay: Could you explain what fire clay is? Go to Comment
The historical part needs to be put into shape, but that can be still made. Let me say how I envision the powers of this blade:
Swinging the sword, a whiff of cold air can be felt. During a fight, this effect is stronger, and gets gradually colder until it is freezing cold, the opponent(s) having problems to breath - the wielder of the sword feels only cold, so as to move more frequently. Further, each swing sends shivers down their spine, and produces unnatural discomfort - less intelligent creatures are likely to run away after a short fight already.
Those hit by the blade feel it as if it was made of pure ice, freezing them to their very core. As I am rather the low-magic, low-power type, I find an hour of paralysis after _any_ hit to be a quite powerful effect, lethal even - but that is up to you. An alternative would be make the hit person slower, loosing speed, with subsequent hits making them even slower. An interesting side-effect could be making them harder, eventually really freezing when they cannot more, but are ironically hard to damage further.
The wielder of such a blade would most likely settle for a fast light style, that damages opponents ligthly but as soon as possible - the effects of the blade softening up the enemy further. In some cases will a swift execution follow on the slowed opponent, in some cases letting them freeze for a while may be preferable - for duels, but also teaching students the hard way.
There you have some ideas as to how it could work - feel more than free to elaborate on them. The cold effect would range a few yards at most, but in a tight place, a single champion could indeed halt an army - which makes it an interesting weapon not only for duelants but also for defenders of their home country. Take it from here as you see fit. Go to Comment
Okay, this just needed some help. It is a gem in the rough. It has the potential to be really, really good. yet as it is, it is just a rock.
I know this is a cut and paste response, but it is all applicable here.
Review the top rated posts of the category you want to post it. If you want to do an item, click into items, then the highest rated (in red) and it will give you a list of the best items. Read the first ten or so.
Put some thought into your post. Take your time putting the post into print. Taking time to do a post right shows you care not only about your audience and yourself, but you care about the thing you are posting about. If you aren't spending a minimum of 15 to 30 minutes on the post, it will probably be abused and low rated. Most of us spend 45 to 60 minutes on a post. Remember, you will spend more time actually thinking about your post before you put it up, if you want to do it right.
Remember that you can edit your post, so if you find something wrong, go back and fix it.
Third: Check it!
I really mean it. Go through your posts. Make sure it follows the basic rules of grammar . Sentences start with capital letters, end with punctuation, and have everything moderately correct in between. Extra lines should be inserted between paragraphs (and there should be paragraphs). I can not stress the next part more that simply scream, "Spell check!". If you can, copy (from web site) and paste (into word processor) your post into a WP with spell check. Run the spell check (and the grammar check if it has it). Copy and paste it back. If you do this, it will automatically improve your post by one point (on average). If we can simply and easily read your post, we can start critiquing it rather than your awful spelling.
In your case, the lack of capitalization in the FIRST Sentence of the Preview is enough for most people to dismiss this post outright.
Your posts needs to tell us nearly everything about the subject. You should strive for items that are generic, rather than dependent on a specific setting or campaign. While being vague can help make the item more "generic", you need to "imply" the answers. (For example: while my game might not have Rykor the BloodSlayer, I can figure out an approximate match "The most dreaded demon riding Dark Knight in history.") Implied answers act as guidelines for the GM/ Player adapting the post.
To be complete, your post needs to answer; "Who is involved?", "What is happening (and where and when)?" and "How and why things occur?". If it is an item or setting then include: What is the item/place? and What can it do?
Details are not as important as completeness. Read your post. Is there anything that someone (who doesn't know your campaign and the backstory) might have a question about? If you find such a question, edit the write up and include the answer to that question. Keep reading your post until you have answered every question (including ones that seem really stupid... there are a lot of really stupid people out there).
You have some great details going here. You just need to expand upon them.
Fifth: The Gold Standard This is a a personal favorite of mine.
If your post could not be part of a published fantasy novel, it needs work. That is what you should aim for.
If your item (or any post) is not as well described and developed as something you would find in a published fantasy novel (excluding most DnD licensed novels), then it is not equal to the gold standard and needs work.
This standard is really not that hard to meet. New members often meet it on their first or second try. You do not need to be a professional writer, you just need to put a little effort into doing it right. Go to Comment
Do you have access to MS Word, or similar word processor? I would like you to cut and paste the submission into the word processor and run both a spelling and gramar check. Fix things. Then cut and paste it back into the submission.
You have a habit of making run on sentences. You forget basic punctuation. (Thought this is better than most of your submissions.) If we could clean up the langauge aspect of your submission, it has real potential. (It does need some additional details to flesh out the basic questions people have about things.) Right now, it is still too much work to read. Go to Comment