Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Hiraken the Swordmaster
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Kassy's comment on 2008-07-12 08:29 AM
I kind of frogot to vote.

Still waiting for the emotions... Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
manfred's comment on 2008-08-05 05:23 PM
Much advice on the form has been already given, so let's take a look at the idea now. The item was made through an accident, and there lies a bit more potential: what if it's one of the few permanent items? It will not have more power, but will much more attractive to wizards eager to research the effect. On the downside, it could need to be recharged by light (not heat, but light) or similar means.

Finally, the question why it is looked for now, can have a simple answer - somebody went through the wizard's notes and found a reference. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
Ria Hawk's comment on 2008-02-25 06:32 PM
Ah, question. I get that the diamond functions as a heat source/cold protection doohickey. You said that it has to be activated, presumably by the spell the mage used. If she was killed and it was stolen by bandits, did it stay permanently active? If it didn't, how'd the bandits (or any others the stone passed to) learn how to activate it?

Also, the mage never told anyone about it and quietly kept it for herself. On her first adventure, she was killed and the stone was taken. How did anyone know about it to search for the glorious item? Is it just a case of "she had this and it was supposed to do X" and they don't know it doesn't function as designed? (Additionally, if the others she worked with mostly created disposable magical items for adventurers... why did anyone care about *this* stone?)

Holding off on voting for now... Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
MoonHunter's comment on 2008-02-24 11:33 PM
Okay. Capitalization. The names of things, like the title (which I fixed for you), are capitalized. Is it Star Wars or star wars?

The beginning of sentence should be capitalized. And, two spaces should be inserted after the period or ending punctuation of a sentence. I only mention that because you really should of ended some of those run on sentences. They don't end because there are commas (and commas, and commas). While I understand the need to jazz one's writing up and play fast and loose with grammatical rules (and I do that too), the basic structure of subject verb with a completed thought being a sentence is useful when you are trying to communicate anything.

You do know there is a spell check built into the site for submissions right? The little button down under the text box that says "Spell Check".

We do not ask for perfection. We do ask that you at least try. Submissions should meet a minimum language level before we even consider them. Right now, I am tempted to vote a one. Not because of the idea, but because I have to work just that hard to make sense out of any of that. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
MoonHunter's comment on 2008-02-25 12:25 PM
If you have access to a word processor, MS Word or the like, that has a grammar checker for English, I would like you to run your submission through that. Simply cut and paste the submission into a new document. Run the spelling and grammar checks. Then cut and paste the corrected submission back into the Strolen's Submission.


After that takes care of the glaring errors. I also want you to read your submission OUT LOUD. Any place you stumble over the reading, is a place where you need to correct a word or wording. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2008-02-28 11:49 PM
Don't you people recognize a perfectly good Thermal Gonkulator? It is a must have if you have to wear Lace of Cold, which while highly fashionable (take +2 to charisma) is very uncomfortable (take -2 to stamina, Constitution, or Take it Like a Man attribute)

Spellcheck PLZ! Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
Murometz's comment on 2008-02-28 08:44 PM
Not bad at all. I'll await the edit before voting. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
chilled's comment on 2008-08-05 09:55 AM
Updated: I've finally had myself the time to get around to sorting things out, here you go, i can just hope it's bette than it was. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
chilled's comment on 2008-08-06 06:56 AM
Thanks for the vote, and all the advice.

I'll try to keep on top of everything. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
chilled's comment on 2008-05-15 08:34 AM
Okay then, i guess i just got a little irate at the way you said what you said. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
chilled's comment on 2008-02-24 04:58 AM
Updated: Item was placed in the wrong category. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
chilled's comment on 2008-02-24 05:00 AM
There will be a seperate sub coming soon for those of you wanting to know more about Calcorn, and of course the Pitts of Calcorn.

Note: Throughout this sub i have spelt pits as "pitts" because it is the name given to the place. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
chilled's comment on 2008-02-25 03:08 AM
Okies then, its just that i was so consumed by the idea, that i forgot all about them, il edit it asap, thanks for the comment though. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
chilled's comment on 2008-02-25 06:46 PM
I'll work on what you've said it made me realise that i had restricted myself and others a little too much on this sub. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
chilled's comment on 2008-03-19 07:41 PM
Excuse me, "blatent probs" ??? Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2008-08-05 12:43 PM
Okay 1st point. Spellcheck does not cover the summary. So cut it and paste it into the working area, spellcheck the text there and paste it back into the summary. The Summary is the last place you want to put spelling errors - you want to make a good impression!

Second, avoid run-on sentances. Your history is a single sentence instead of several.


The diamond was created by Hikuki Mariana, one of Calcorns many mages. These mages were constantly trying out new spells that they have created with the sole purpose of creating magical items. These items were mostly temporary items, being sold to adventures that sought the Calcorn Pitts.

The Calcorn Pitts was a puzzling maze created by a madman, turned into a tournament for either the very brave or the very foolish, but that is another story...


I did make some other changes to make it run better to my eyes, but you can see above how the sentances are shorter and more focused. The recommendation by Moonhunter to read your sentance out loud is good at detecting run-on sentances. If you run out of breath partway through, you are likely looking at one.

Oh, and "I" by itself is ALWAYS capitalized - it is as wrong to say "i did that" as to say "z did that". Maybe in chat it is okay, but not in text you are expecting other people to comment on. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2008-08-05 07:53 PM
I'll take it out of challenge status... Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2008-02-29 08:55 AM
Can't add to what Moonhunter said. You will likely get some votes once the blatant problems are addressed. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2008-03-19 08:33 PM
Yes, blatant problems. Capitalization is a standard of english writing. It is not optional - not using it makes you look like you do not care about the quality of your writing, especially as it has already been pointed out to you. This is true also with spelling.

I'm not the only one pointing out issues - see Moonhunters comments for details.

I've learned here that if people do not vote, it is generally for a reason and it is pointless to try and argue people to vote - they will just ignore you.

Listen to comments, fix problems that people point out, and the votes will come. Leave them as is and have poor results. Go to Comment
Diamond of Calcorn
Items  (Materials)   (Magical)
Kassy's comment on 2008-08-06 06:48 AM
not a bad sub, i think this has a lot of potential in it.

3.5/5 Go to Comment
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       By: Cheka Man

A wand that can be used once a day to stop Time for thirty seconds.Enough time to take a weapon or a wizard's staff, dodge a fireball,get a head start whilst running away,ect.

Ideas  ( Items ) | August 12, 2004 | View | UpVote 0xp