Okay. Capitalization. The names of things, like the title (which I fixed for you), are capitalized. Is it Star Wars or star wars?
The beginning of sentence should be capitalized. And, two spaces should be inserted after the period or ending punctuation of a sentence. I only mention that because you really should of ended some of those run on sentences. They don't end because there are commas (and commas, and commas). While I understand the need to jazz one's writing up and play fast and loose with grammatical rules (and I do that too), the basic structure of subject verb with a completed thought being a sentence is useful when you are trying to communicate anything.
You do know there is a spell check built into the site for submissions right? The little button down under the text box that says "Spell Check".
We do not ask for perfection. We do ask that you at least try. Submissions should meet a minimum language level before we even consider them. Right now, I am tempted to vote a one. Not because of the idea, but because I have to work just that hard to make sense out of any of that. Go to Comment
If you have access to a word processor, MS Word or the like, that has a grammar checker for English, I would like you to run your submission through that. Simply cut and paste the submission into a new document. Run the spelling and grammar checks. Then cut and paste the corrected submission back into the Strolen's Submission.
After that takes care of the glaring errors. I also want you to read your submission OUT LOUD. Any place you stumble over the reading, is a place where you need to correct a word or wording. Go to Comment
Don't you people recognize a perfectly good Thermal Gonkulator? It is a must have if you have to wear Lace of Cold, which while highly fashionable (take +2 to charisma) is very uncomfortable (take -2 to stamina, Constitution, or Take it Like a Man attribute)
Okay 1st point. Spellcheck does not cover the summary. So cut it and paste it into the working area, spellcheck the text there and paste it back into the summary. The Summary is the last place you want to put spelling errors - you want to make a good impression!
Second, avoid run-on sentances. Your history is a single sentence instead of several.
The diamond was created by Hikuki Mariana, one of Calcorns many mages. These mages were constantly trying out new spells that they have created with the sole purpose of creating magical items. These items were mostly temporary items, being sold to adventures that sought the Calcorn Pitts.
The Calcorn Pitts was a puzzling maze created by a madman, turned into a tournament for either the very brave or the very foolish, but that is another story...
I did make some other changes to make it run better to my eyes, but you can see above how the sentances are shorter and more focused. The recommendation by Moonhunter to read your sentance out loud is good at detecting run-on sentances. If you run out of breath partway through, you are likely looking at one.
Oh, and "I" by itself is ALWAYS capitalized - it is as wrong to say "i did that" as to say "z did that". Maybe in chat it is okay, but not in text you are expecting other people to comment on. Go to Comment
Yes, blatant problems. Capitalization is a standard of english writing. It is not optional - not using it makes you look like you do not care about the quality of your writing, especially as it has already been pointed out to you. This is true also with spelling.
I'm not the only one pointing out issues - see Moonhunters comments for details.
I've learned here that if people do not vote, it is generally for a reason and it is pointless to try and argue people to vote - they will just ignore you.
Listen to comments, fix problems that people point out, and the votes will come. Leave them as is and have poor results. Go to Comment
Okay, first the classics: spelling needs a little kick, formatting could be improved but that is no biggie.
The creature itself isn't bad, I like its strong dungeoneering bent. A few questions naturally come up - particularly how sentient, or intelligent are they? It appears they have some smarts, to know how to employ their magical powers. Do they have anything on mind, besides protecting their master? They are sometimes raiding villages, so perhaps there is something more.
What if they are afraid of the master they cannot leave? He can destroy them with a word or thought... they are essentially golemic creatures, but a touch of self-preservation can work wonders. Maybe they want to create another base, so they can be independent of their master, and raid the surroundings for useful items. Think of it... and you have a plot hook on your hands, and a way to take the defenses from that bad guy. Go to Comment