There's a lot of good flavor going on in the background that I really like. Some of them seem a little generic, though. What do Drakesh look like? I'm picturing a dragon's head crawling on a nest of tentacles for some reason. Go to Comment
I think now the "Add an idea" button replaces what was previously known as the scroll format. I believe what happens is that if someone else is to click on that button now and add a new char, sth like a new scroll will pop up after OmagaDraco's entry. Go to Comment
Padre Alexandro Pedro Baptista Martinez, former Spanish Mounter Militia.
Born March 14,1698 in Santa Fe de Bogotá, Colombia, then capital of the New Kingdom of Granada (Nuevo Reino de Granada), part of the Viceroyalty of Peru (Virreinato Del Peru). Alexandro, a criollo (pure Spaniard born in the New World), was only three years old when his parents were killed on a visit to a Capuchin mission during the Wayuu Uprising of 1701. He was taken in by Capuchin friars who survived the attack and helped the child escape with his life. The Capuchins were an enlightened order. They were followers of St. Bonaventure, who taught that all the sciences are but the handmaids of theology, and that true understanding of God comes from the senses, reason and intellect. The friars taught Alexandro many things, including alchemical knowledge that they had rediscovered. Alexandro excellence in the studies of metallurgy and transmutation were only matched by his theological studies, and it was clear to him at an early age that the priesthood was the life for him. He was ordained in 1719.
The Wayuu Indian threat had grown even more serious by this time. Of all the Indians in the territory of Colombia, the Wayuu were unique in having learned the use of firearms and horses. Alexandro felt compelled to minister to the brave Spanish militiamen on the frontlines of the skirmishes with the Indians who had murdered his parents, and immediately volunteered to join Colombia's Spanish Mounted Militia as a Padre. Padre Martinez enjoyed his role as a soldier-priest for many years. All of that changed in 1727 when 2,000 Wayuu attacked the fort he was stationed at. Although the Wayuu were repelled, it was the retaliation that sent Padre Martinez's faith whirling. He watched as men to whom he had given communion gunned down children with muskets he had blessed. One Wayuu woman in particular he could never forget: a woman with a son around three years old. Padre Martinez stood by as the little boy's mother was raped and murdered in front of him. He remembered the look in the mother's eyes as they slit her throat. He remembered the boy's eyes too. That was the day he decided to desert the militia and leave Colombia forever.
Disguising himself as a Franciscan monk, Padre Martinez boarded a ship in Cartagena, Colombia and sailed to Veracruz, one of the key ports of New Spain (Mexico). He made his way to a small village west of Veracruz where he attempted to lay low in a small parish church. As the village was very small and remote, there was a need for blacksmithing, and Padre Martinez was happy to fill this need as well. He set up a small foundry next to the church, and soon resumed his alchemical studies of metallurgy and transmutation as well. It wasn't long before his activities and his craftsmanship caught the eye of Monsignor Filipe Antonio Juarez Montoya, Chief Priest of the Inquisition in Veracruz. His agents paid Padre Martinez a visit in 1733, and brought him before the Monsignor. Monsignor Montoya knew of Padre Martinez's desertion, but was willing to overlook it. He had a use for the alchemical talents of Padre Martinez.
Monsignor Montoya explained an aspect of the Inquisition's mission to Padre Martinez that was previously unknown to him. Many infernal and supernatural manifestations had been making their appearances in the New World since colonization began, and the Pope had tasked the Inquisition with combating these evil forces. Many supernatural creatures are harmed by silver, explained Monsignor Montoya, but weaponizing silver has proven problematic to many metallurgists in the past. Therefore, Monsignor Montoya wanted to task Padre Martinez with researching and discovering a technique for creating a silveriron alloy that could be used to make weapon, and then make these weapons exclusively for agents of the Inquisition. Padre Martinez was eager at the chance to absolve his past shame through research and service, as St. Bonaventure would have wanted it. He set to work immediately.
Padre Martinez relocated to a rectory maintained by the Inquisition in Veracruz, and began his research and experimentations to discover a silveriron alloy. For months he worked, but his faith never wavered. Finally, in 1734, he had fashioned a dagger from a silveriron alloy that he had made himself. Monsignor Montoya was thrilled, and embraced Padre Martinez as a brother in Christ. Padre Martinez spent four years crafting silveriron weapons for the Inquisition in Veracruz. One day in 1738, Monsignor Montoya told Padre Martinez that his services were now needed more in St. Augustine, Florida. In 1739, Padre Martinez set foot on North America and entered St. Augustine.
Padre Martinez was puzzled by the fact that he was now in St. Augustine doing the same work he did in Veracruz. He soon discovered that the Inquisition was preparing for an expedition to find the fabled Fountain of Youth. This expedition sounded curious and exciting to Padre Martinez. His curiosity soon took a backseat in his mind, however. The War for Jenkins Ear broke out shortly after his arrival, and St. Augustine was suddenly in a war footing. The Chief Priest of the Inquisition in St. Augustine, Father Manuel Diego de Fernandez, put the expedition on hold and, given Padre Martinez's military experience, detached him to the garrison of St. Augustine. Padre Martinez found his love for soldiery once more as he assisted the garrison in repelling invaders from British Georgia in 1740, and again in an attempted invasion of Georgia in 1742. By this time, the War of the Austrian Succession had broken out in Europe, and the fighting in the New World was all but forgotten. Padre Martinez returned to his Inquisition work in 1743.
The excitement and curiosity regarding the expedition soon returned to Padre Martinez as well. The Fountain of Youth would be a monumental discovery. However, once Padre Martinez learned of the true reason for seeking the Fountain of Youth, his heart sank. Father Diego de Fernandez explained to Padre Martinez that the Inquisition sees the Fountain of Youth as a sin against God, that those who drink from it have no hope of redemption. They believe it is an affront to God, and must be destroyed. Padre Martinez, who had studied alchemy and followed the teachings of St. Bonaventure all his life, could never accept this. For many weeks, Padre Martinez fasted and prayed in silence, seeking God's counsel. He eventually came to his own truth: the Inquisition attempts to obfuscate knowledge and destroy that which it does not understand, and is therefore not a force for good in the world. He could not continue to serve it. On the eve before the expedition was to set out, Padre Martinez transmuted a brittle agent into the silveriron weapons he had made for the expeditionary forces, and prayed. For the second time in his life, Padre Martinez prepared for desertion.
in 1744, Padre Martinez once again donned the vestments of a Franciscan monk and boarded a ship, this time bound for Spain. His ship did not get far before being attacked by a British privateer vessel. After the initial clash, a chase insued and the Spanish ship was blown off course. The British privateers finally caught up with the Spanish ship and sank it. It was by the grace of God that Padre Martinez survived the battle, set adrift on a life boat with no paddles. Although he cannot remember how many days he was adrift, Padre Martinez was about to drink his first mouthful of urine when a French merchant vessel rescued him. A few of the crew spoke Spanish, and he soon found out that the French vessel was bound for Baltimore, the chief port of the British province of Maryland. The Inquisition would never look for a Spanish priest in a British colony, so he agreed to be taken to Maryland. The French sailors agreed to tell the port officials that Padre Martinez was a French monk come to serve the faithful of Maryland, as while Maryland was a haven for Catholics, it was a British colony, and therefore technically still at war with Spain. After 46 years a Spaniard, Padre Martinez was now a British subject.
For ten years, Padre Martinez ministered to the poor Catholic people of Baltimore out of St. Joseph's Chapel. Ever was he mindful of not drawing unwanted attention to himself, lest there be Inquisition agents in Baltimore that would become aware of him. In 1748, Padre Martinez contracted spotted fever, and was almost killed by the disease. His strength returned slowly, and though his vigor was slightly diminished, he was fit by 1749. In 1754, the French and Indian War broke out, and the faithful of Maryland needed padres. Although Padre Martinez was 56 years old, he felt the fervor to serve. In 1756 his unit was detached to Fort Frederick in western Maryland, where he ministered to the faithful in the militia as well as the settlers who frequently took refuge from the fighting there. While serving at Fort Frederick, he befriended a scout captain named Jonathan Hager. Captain Hager, a German immigrant to Maryland, owned many acres of land not too far east of Fort Frederick, in the Appalachian Valley, that he planned to charter into a town when the war was over. He believed that many Catholics would someday live there side by side with German Reformed Protestants like himself and peoples of many other faiths as well. Being a frontier town, it would need men who enjoyed peace and quiet, but knew how to shoot when needed. Captain Hager offered to have a home built for Padre Martinez when the war was over. Padre Martinez, who was approaching his 60s, tired of worrying about the Inquisition, and longing to resume his meditations on divine knowledge, agreed with Captain Hager's proposal.
In 1763, at the age of 65, Padre Martinez moved into a small townhouse in Elizabethtown, Maryland. Although the town is controlled politically by Protestants, they are the most tolerant men he has ever met. Jacob Rohrer, the largest landowner and de facto mayor of Elizabethtown, had a German Reformed Church built on land he donated that same year, and set up a German Reformed Priest, Father Eichner, in the church's rectory. But then Jacob and Father Eichner announced that while the town church is German Reformed and, as such, services will be held as appropriate, the church is open to all Christian religions for services as long as the church itself is respected as holy ground. Since then, Padre Martinez has had a good friendship with Father Eichner. The two have agreed on a daily schedule for Father Eichner's services and Padre Martinez's daily mass. They also have amicable discussions on theology.
Now, in 1766, life is peaceful for 68 year old Padre Martinez. But his frontier life falls to anything but peace as members of his modest congregation begin falling victim to the horrors of a skin-wearing Boo Hag. Now, the Padre has taken up his trusty old rifle and heavy saber and seeks out the monstrous old woman. His unwavering faith trusting that the recently missing children might be spared a heinous death as he makes all haste through the deadly swamps. Go to Comment
Well, it's definitely getting somewhere. But I would try to weed out some of the awkward details. For instance, why is there a forest guardian? Did this Ga person just decide that he would patrol a forest being a swordmaster? Or is it a religious thing? Also, the whole thing about his father's katana... NO KATANAS. I mean, unless you are making a Japanese-themed setting or something, a katana JUST DOES NOT FIT. It screams "videogame". I would try to give it a little more *snap*, because it feels like its lacking something. Also, I want to get a better picture of Hiraken as a person- his likes and dislikes, his emotions, his personality. As is, he's just a boring badass that guards a forest and has no feelings. But overall it's a rather decent effort. Go to Comment
Your best so far chilled. There are some serious run-on sentances here.
After about another twenty minutes he finally managed to slay the gigantic beast, taking its horn as a trophy to show to the people of the village, before leaving he noticed some thing strange, just as he was about to leave the area and head for his fathers house in the forest, the body of
the beast sank into the earth as if it had never been there.
One nitpick: it looks like you skipped a step in Hiraken's biography, namely how he changed from avenging hunter to forest guardian. After a few attempts to read between the lines, I've come to the assumption that "forest guardian" is a hereditary position and that Hiraken inherited the title from Ishmar, but it would be better if this was spelled out.
This omission (of why he's doing what he does now) seems to tie into CaptainPenguin's more general complaint -- I can't get a sense of who this guy is, how he would act, or how I could use him in an adventure.
On the plus side, the plot hook is unusual enough to be interesting. Go to Comment
Much advice on the form has been already given, so let's take a look at the idea now. The item was made through an accident, and there lies a bit more potential: what if it's one of the few permanent items? It will not have more power, but will much more attractive to wizards eager to research the effect. On the downside, it could need to be recharged by light (not heat, but light) or similar means.
Finally, the question why it is looked for now, can have a simple answer - somebody went through the wizard's notes and found a reference. Go to Comment
Ah, question. I get that the diamond functions as a heat source/cold protection doohickey. You said that it has to be activated, presumably by the spell the mage used. If she was killed and it was stolen by bandits, did it stay permanently active? If it didn't, how'd the bandits (or any others the stone passed to) learn how to activate it?
Also, the mage never told anyone about it and quietly kept it for herself. On her first adventure, she was killed and the stone was taken. How did anyone know about it to search for the glorious item? Is it just a case of "she had this and it was supposed to do X" and they don't know it doesn't function as designed? (Additionally, if the others she worked with mostly created disposable magical items for adventurers... why did anyone care about *this* stone?)
Okay. Capitalization. The names of things, like the title (which I fixed for you), are capitalized. Is it Star Wars or star wars?
The beginning of sentence should be capitalized. And, two spaces should be inserted after the period or ending punctuation of a sentence. I only mention that because you really should of ended some of those run on sentences. They don't end because there are commas (and commas, and commas). While I understand the need to jazz one's writing up and play fast and loose with grammatical rules (and I do that too), the basic structure of subject verb with a completed thought being a sentence is useful when you are trying to communicate anything.
You do know there is a spell check built into the site for submissions right? The little button down under the text box that says "Spell Check".
We do not ask for perfection. We do ask that you at least try. Submissions should meet a minimum language level before we even consider them. Right now, I am tempted to vote a one. Not because of the idea, but because I have to work just that hard to make sense out of any of that. Go to Comment