Well, it's definitely getting somewhere. But I would try to weed out some of the awkward details. For instance, why is there a forest guardian? Did this Ga person just decide that he would patrol a forest being a swordmaster? Or is it a religious thing? Also, the whole thing about his father's katana... NO KATANAS. I mean, unless you are making a Japanese-themed setting or something, a katana JUST DOES NOT FIT. It screams "videogame". I would try to give it a little more *snap*, because it feels like its lacking something. Also, I want to get a better picture of Hiraken as a person- his likes and dislikes, his emotions, his personality. As is, he's just a boring badass that guards a forest and has no feelings. But overall it's a rather decent effort. Go to Comment
Thanks Murometz, do you have any suggestions?, or anything more that you would like to know about this guy, anything that i could perhaps answer in the submission?
Thanks for the comment, i really wasn't sure what anyone would think, wether anyone would bother, considering my previous, goblin-slime standard of submissions.
I've decided to rewrite all of my submissions, and even though it will take quite some time i aim to have it done by the end of september(ish).
Q. Why the apostrophes around the word approve? Go to Comment
Your best so far chilled. There are some serious run-on sentances here.
eg:
After about another twenty minutes he finally managed to slay the gigantic beast, taking its horn as a trophy to show to the people of the village, before leaving he noticed some thing strange, just as he was about to leave the area and head for his fathers house in the forest, the body of
the beast sank into the earth as if it had never been there.
This should be at least 2-3 sentances. Go to Comment
One nitpick: it looks like you skipped a step in Hiraken's biography, namely how he changed from avenging hunter to forest guardian. After a few attempts to read between the lines, I've come to the assumption that "forest guardian" is a hereditary position and that Hiraken inherited the title from Ishmar, but it would be better if this was spelled out.
This omission (of why he's doing what he does now) seems to tie into CaptainPenguin's more general complaint -- I can't get a sense of who this guy is, how he would act, or how I could use him in an adventure.
On the plus side, the plot hook is unusual enough to be interesting. Go to Comment
Much advice on the form has been already given, so let's take a look at the idea now. The item was made through an accident, and there lies a bit more potential: what if it's one of the few permanent items? It will not have more power, but will much more attractive to wizards eager to research the effect. On the downside, it could need to be recharged by light (not heat, but light) or similar means.
Finally, the question why it is looked for now, can have a simple answer - somebody went through the wizard's notes and found a reference. Go to Comment
Ah, question. I get that the diamond functions as a heat source/cold protection doohickey. You said that it has to be activated, presumably by the spell the mage used. If she was killed and it was stolen by bandits, did it stay permanently active? If it didn't, how'd the bandits (or any others the stone passed to) learn how to activate it?
Also, the mage never told anyone about it and quietly kept it for herself. On her first adventure, she was killed and the stone was taken. How did anyone know about it to search for the glorious item? Is it just a case of "she had this and it was supposed to do X" and they don't know it doesn't function as designed? (Additionally, if the others she worked with mostly created disposable magical items for adventurers... why did anyone care about *this* stone?)
Okay. Capitalization. The names of things, like the title (which I fixed for you), are capitalized. Is it Star Wars or star wars?
The beginning of sentence should be capitalized. And, two spaces should be inserted after the period or ending punctuation of a sentence. I only mention that because you really should of ended some of those run on sentences. They don't end because there are commas (and commas, and commas). While I understand the need to jazz one's writing up and play fast and loose with grammatical rules (and I do that too), the basic structure of subject verb with a completed thought being a sentence is useful when you are trying to communicate anything.
You do know there is a spell check built into the site for submissions right? The little button down under the text box that says "Spell Check".
We do not ask for perfection. We do ask that you at least try. Submissions should meet a minimum language level before we even consider them. Right now, I am tempted to vote a one. Not because of the idea, but because I have to work just that hard to make sense out of any of that. Go to Comment
If you have access to a word processor, MS Word or the like, that has a grammar checker for English, I would like you to run your submission through that. Simply cut and paste the submission into a new document. Run the spelling and grammar checks. Then cut and paste the corrected submission back into the Strolen's Submission.
After that takes care of the glaring errors. I also want you to read your submission OUT LOUD. Any place you stumble over the reading, is a place where you need to correct a word or wording. Go to Comment
Don't you people recognize a perfectly good Thermal Gonkulator? It is a must have if you have to wear Lace of Cold, which while highly fashionable (take +2 to charisma) is very uncomfortable (take -2 to stamina, Constitution, or Take it Like a Man attribute)
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