Okay, starting with the bad. Sometimes the syntax in your sentences seem somewhat backwards or strange, and it can be distracting at times. For instance:
"The government saw instead of the improvements that the towns were causing but a threat to itself."
On the other hand, I see it as a bit synonymous with your personal style(perhaps it's even intentional), and I don't know if you're a native English speaker or not either. So I dunno, acquired taste maybe.
I liked the story with the bandit and the Carcer bit and how you combined the burning effigy with the inherent logic of your demons. So overall an interesting read. Go to Comment
I like Atheus's take on demons; that they are merely reluctant creatures forced out of their own habitat and desire only to be brought back to it.
This sub feels a little unpolished compared to Obstaria, but it's still complete enough to paint a good picture about what the Daimon is.
I like that if a daimon dies before it completes its tasks it is resigned to life as an 'evil spirit'. Perhaps those places in the world where things are strange and unseemly are just areas where these demonic spirits reside. Go to Comment
A good explanation of the demons of your world, though the first section is a little rough and needs to be reread.
Some is a little confusing:
Likewise, though the daimons will usually be a minor threat as they can't rejuvenate themselves in their home, some were originally powerful enough to be a significant threat in their time spent as a daimon.
So, even though they cannot recover from injury while on Atheus, they start off powerful enough to remain formidable for quite some time?
No, probably not. The demons and thus the daimons of Atheus have such bad experiences with humans that they probably wouldn't trust the human offering to send them back. Unless the human earned their trust somehow, the daimon would probably rather just use the human to fulfill its mission through eating the human, or whatever mission the daimon had.
Of course, there is always an exception to the rule, and some daimons might try to help the human so as to manipulate him to speed up your mission, or some others might just be naive.
Also, a human would probably rather just summon up a regular demon. That way, the demon can't betray you, or hinder your progress, or do otherwise but obey your orders. Go to Comment
Summoning demons is not the hardest thing in the world. I should probably write up a sub on it, but the basics are that you research a demon, find the summoning ritual, and enact it. You do have to make sure your orders and such aren't too vague or have loopholes, and mistakes result in death usually, but for the most part the demon does your bidding, as there is a subclass of spells in the telemancy for punishing and controlling rebellious demons. The Daimons are mostly the exception, rather than the rule, as though a mistake can result anywhere in a summons, if a modicum of effort is put in, then usually the results will be good.
And as for the evil thing, there is forgiveness. Demons aren't evil, there simply enslaved and want to not be. And as the demon isn't of Atheus, they simply view humans as not them, and, really, far-less deserving of life then they are (which is true of the Atheians when they view demons). This is like a human not really caring if a stranger human dies in comparison to a loved one, just on a higher scale, as the stranger dying is not only not human, but also not of your world.
And sure, some banshees can scream. Some may choose not to, some do. The majority probably do, as I did steal the name from a screaming monster thing and some similarities need to remain, but variability is still present. Go to Comment
It seems it's a lot harder to summon demons in your world, given the flavour text. Also given what I've read before, it seems a very bleak place, with no room for forgiveness. Once you're branded evil, you stay evil for all eternity.
I liked the banshees with their zombie-making ability, do they still scream or did you just use the name? Go to Comment
Let me start by saying that this, compared to your earlier work, is much more engaging to me and shows growth in you, Caesar, cudos!
I liked the frog in the pond metaphor, and the sugar slipping between the fingers.
Obataria sounds like a nation which behind the scenes is in turmoil, but they throw a veil over it ( in the form of the kings rule) and play pretend that everything is fine.
I see a good espionage plot wherein the king is inspired by the stories of the first king, and beseeches the pcs to help him regain control of Obstaria. The night to strike is while the nobles are at the annual meet with the king. They must invade te keep of a prominent noble while is absent. Or perhaps hold them all hostage at the meet.
Also, the annual meet can end up being a whodunit, where the most prominent noble is poisoned and the pcs, being the only nuetral party, must find out who did it before civil war breaks out in a scale like never before! Go to Comment
It would be interesting to see a king arise that held power not through his impotent army, and figurehead status, but through ties to the underworld. Blackmail, careful manoeuvring, intrigue. Keeping to the appearances of a lame duck, he would actually hold significant power. How the PC's play a role in this, perhaps they could give the impetus to change.
I'm guessing you found inspiration from the Roman empire, the initial founding of Obstaria fits well with how the empire ran at first, letting old kings keep their rule, as long as they payed their taxes. I also see the potential for a ruler to reclaim their lost glory if they manage to ally with some of the nobles, playing at their secrets once more. Go to Comment
Hoo hah! The demons in Atheus are the people of Atheus! That's twisted! So in effect, without knowing it they are enslaving their own ancestors as slaves! Really interesting take on demons and hell, Caesar; I like very much!
Jacob Latris has unwittingly come upon the source of magic in Atheus itself, not to mention the means to manufacture demons for his own purpose! A dangerous gift to bestow on someone if his questionable morals and sanity!
I like that the idea of the afterlife and congeria are nothing like what Atheans expect. What a demoralizing thing to know if they ever find out that when they die they may just be processed and turn into chaotic monsters. Go to Comment
When a demon gets killed (which would be in Atheus, because a demon would only kill another demon unless their master said to), then their soul will go to the Afterlife, and probably get a streamlined "processing" and be quickly sent to Congeria to be redemonized. The makeup of the demon would change, as would its name (which would prevent wizards in Atheus from getting their demon killed, then re-summoning it- not that they'd want to, because the strengths and weaknesses and its characteristics would probably change).
If it is simply dismissed back to Congeria (they can't leave willingly), then they go back to Congeria. They'll probably be re-summoned soon by the wizard, and they won't change at all (except for their magical batteries being recharged, and going back to as they were when they were "fresh.") Go to Comment
Barathra is the Afterlife. I wrote up Congeria before i had any intention of writing up Barathra, so I'll change the name Afterlife to Barathra now. Anyway, basically souls get created in Atheus, and then go to Barathra. Those souls that display enough resourcefulness and desperation to get to the center of Barathra get transported and processed and come to Congeria, where they become demons, and get summoned to Atheus to serve wizards as, basically, slaves. Go to Comment
Certainly original, yet with some oddly phrased passages in some places. For a plane of chaos, it certainly seems very orderly, with all the demons fitting nicely into the lake and all. Since they've got this trade going on, what happens to the demons when they leave Atheus? Do they return to Congeria or do they get another chance at the afterlife, to complete the circle? Go to Comment
There are a couple of bits that are rough around the edges grammatically, but that's not a real problem.
Jacob will fit beautifully into the Occult Brotherhood, Caesar! I like the twist in that he seeks out the embodiment of revenge only so he can unleash it upon himself. It makes me wonder what it is he will find; perhaps an incarnation of revenge in demon form.
I felt like the 'Intervention' section was glossed over a little. For example, how did Ralf manage to subdue the demon that was delivering the food? Was the demon just weak?
At any rate, I can't wait to read Congeria! I look forward to some solid information on atheus's demonic realm; finally, something that can't just be dismissed as just religious myth! :D Go to Comment