By breaking it down you've made it easier to read.
While the backstory is passable (I am no good at writing decent histories/backstories myself I might add), it starts with a glaring cliche, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just has that; "heard it before feel".
The part about the sculptor and its creation is fine.
The last part still raises some questions for me: How did Ytinutroppo know about its creation?, what is this loophole that he forgot to cover?
Also, this line doesn't make any sense to me: "(he's so powerful he doesn't need to show off with a ...the bloody)."
As it stands it is ok, but could still do with some more work being done. Take your time when creating something, there is no rush.
A decent trap room. The backstory is interesting but seems to add little to it's purpose today and any possible future for the room, unless someone wants to summon another demon. If I were to use this room it would be the final treasure room of main baddies. I would probably replace the zombies with something ethereal, as to me that matches the flavor of the room better. Go to Comment
The bit about ...the bloody means adding a ... the bloody to the end of your name, like with Alexander THE GREAT. In Nomed's case, he'd become Nomed the Bloody.
The bit about the loophole is, i agree, kind of weak, but i was in a rush (i had to leave pretty soon) and just wanted to finish the history thing. I'll change it asap. As soon as think up what the @#$% it was. Go to Comment
I like this idea greatly. I LOVE making my PC's think outside the box in all our RPG's. They seem to think the box holds Safety and Candy, all to often, as they are starting to find out, the box can hold worse things then whats outside of it. Go to Comment