Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Opprimere
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-30 09:09 AM
I get the repititiveness may be accurate for the story you are trying to tell, but perhaps a slight tweek of the language might make it a little more engaging. You start two paragraphs in a row with "XXXX picked me up next". This is a minor point, but it is one little thing you could polish up. Go to Comment
Opprimere
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-30 04:38 PM
Damn that goes down smooth. Well done sir. Go to Comment
Opprimere
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
valadaar's comment on 2013-11-08 10:37 AM
A good take on the intelligent sword, though perhaps a touch too powerful. The sword's morality seems to be quite varied.


Go to Comment
Opprimere
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
Ted's comment on 2012-10-30 05:43 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Opprimere
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
caesar193's comment on 2012-10-30 06:56 AM
I think the protect the kids thing would be an excellent addition. And the kids should get names (latin, like the name of the sword and furis), too. Along with the wife. And your first question: if you're asking who the sword is talking to throughout the piece, then i would say itself. Or, if you're asking what, in the RPG that the sword is living in, the sword is talking to, as in how it manipulates its wielders, then I'd say it doesn't use such crass methods as actual speech, but more of a telepathic urging, making it easier to think this, harder to think that, and before you know it you're orc huntin'.

And the lost/found cycle thing- it gets a bit repititive to the sword, too. As it no doubt would to any magc item in your PCs pack. Go to Comment
Opprimere
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
caesar193's comment on 2012-10-30 03:16 PM
Update: Used axelerowe's suggestion and added a sword v self scene, as well as the names of the kids. Go to Comment
The Mines
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Dossta's comment on 2012-10-16 12:03 PM
Hmmmm. The biggest piece of advice I can give at this point is to try reading your piece out loud to yourself. I find that reading my work aloud helps point out things like stilted dialogue, choppy sentence structure, and even some typos or spelling errors I missed the first time through. I wonder who killed off the goblins in the trees? Go to Comment
The Mines
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Dossta's comment on 2012-10-16 03:05 PM
Actually it was an honest question :P The mayor just seemed too damn honest when he said he didn't know who killed them.  I probably failed a "Sense Motive" roll there, somewhere.
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The Mines
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
caesar193's comment on 2012-10-16 02:13 PM
First: the last question. Just to make it sure to myself, is it sarcastic? as in, "Well, duh, its the mayor who killed the goblins." Or is it a legit, "Please, oh wise and merciful caesar193, tell us who killed the goblins! We shall give you a great many gifts in return for servicing our curiosity."

Second, thanks for the advice. I will go read it a loud right now. Perhaps it will help. Go to Comment
The Mines
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
caesar193's comment on 2012-10-16 08:54 PM
So what you're saying is that a guy with an empty scabbard, with a sword left at the scene, can just say that he's innocent and of course he is? I mean, if that worked in the real world, lets go on a killing spree! Now, by this, I am neither saying nor denying whether or not he is innocent of these murders. But if you are wondering if he's guilty... I need to ramp up the suspicion. Go to Comment
The Mines
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
caesar193's comment on 2012-10-16 09:12 PM
Update: Reworked the initial mayor-Luke conversation. Hopefully, the mayor looks... shadier. Especially since this is in a forest. or forst clearing, if you want to quote obscure line in the above piece at me. Go to Comment
The Mines
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
caesar193's comment on 2012-10-18 07:46 PM
I have not added to this for a while. I need to get into the bit with the goblins, but lack the time right now. Tommorrow you will get to see a bit of the goblin way of life. At least, i pray to Othamm that this is so. Go to Comment
The Mines
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
caesar193's comment on 2012-11-02 09:03 PM
thanks for the typo info. I will terminate it with great prejudice.

And yes, I agree that the conversation could use a little work. Such matters are not my strong point. That being said (or typed? whatever...), it will probably stay as it is until the whole thing is done. Go to Comment
The Mines
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
Rune's comment on 2012-11-02 03:20 PM
It's not very clear that the man in the woods is the one that killed the goblins. The fact that he's missing a sword and that there is one impaling one of the goblins is good and definitely questionable, but another hint or two would be good if you are looking to seal the deal. Perhaps some droplets of blood spattering his clothing or boots.

Also, I'd think the wanderer would ask more questions about what had happened. The progression from "Did you do it?" to "What? No. You passing through?" is a little strange.

If I were in the wanderer's shoes, I'd want to know more about what happened before accompanying a stranger that I suspect is a killer. Why is he out here, how did he find the corpses, and when?.

Typo: Ten goblins had been butchered, there green corpses accenting the red blood.

there should be their. Go to Comment
The Cartography Guild
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
Strolen's comment on 2012-10-17 11:28 AM
I like the change from cartographer to spy. I think you cheapened it at the end by changing it to useless information. Better, I think, to say they got too public so they stopped selling information all together (which might be an issue since those that hired them may have info on who they spied on which the CG wouldn't want out...therefore blackmail for more spying, but that is another thread to follow). So they stop selling all out, however they continue to do it for those clients that are absolutely trustworthy to not let it known that the CG continues on in its elite spying.

Also, the alcohol and woman things gets overused and loses its impact. Was funny at the top but used too much to the point of annoyance through the entire piece. Reduce that footprint a bit for better impact I think.

I like it! Go to Comment
The Cartography Guild
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2012-10-10 05:24 PM
You need to remove the imbedded ad. Go to Comment
The Cartography Guild
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2012-10-10 08:18 PM
I did that once all ready! Sigh. Go to Comment
The Cartography Guild
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2012-10-28 08:59 PM
Update: Got rid of the alcohol/women joke at the last couple paragraphs, and the spy thing. I didn't like the spy thing anyways. Go to Comment
The PottyPortal
Items  (Other)   (Magical)
Strolen's comment on 2012-10-14 03:31 AM
I think this is good enough to be a normal idea and get some votes! LOL Go to Comment
The PottyPortal
Items  (Other)   (Magical)
Strolen's comment on 2012-10-17 11:21 AM
I'll bite.

Eww, gross! Go to Comment
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