This makes NECRO look really dysfunctional. Why lock up a virgin with a man after telling her that her virginity was the reason she would be a sacrifice? Why wait nearly 14 years to sacrifice Ariel rather than just find another virgin? Why did they wait 3 years to try to kill her after her escape? And why send such a small force against her when she'd already slain a demon right in front of them?
When you say she was a revenge child, does that mean she was used as revenge against her mother? Or that she takes revenge for her mother?
Where does her power come from? Simple berserker rage wouldn't explain the ability to come back to life after being drained of blood. Was it something she came across while imprisoned?
(Why didnt I reply to this one before? I thought I did. Anyway...) she didn't take on 30 skeletons and a semblance. She took on less than 30 skeletons and a semblance. The guards may be cowards, but they are not completely incompetent. They must have killed some of the skeletons. Maybe Ariel had to kill 20 or so of the skeletons.
Still, she is powerful. But only when berserking- random thugs and rapists on the streets of Grathen would only be fighting a normal girl. Who has a pair of daggers and knows how to use them. Go to Comment
Some very good questions. I'll have to go back through the sub.
Anyway, lets take this question by question
I'd say that perhaps NECRO lacked another cell for the girl, or couldn't imagine that they would dare risk NECRO's wrath if they did challenge them. As for why wait till Ariel was old enough to be sacrificed (all the cliche virgin sacrifices use teens instead of, say, babies- NECRO is no exception), they would want to remain inconspicuous. Too many disappearances would attract too many eyes. And as for the wait, well, NECRO had no idea where Ariel went to after she fled. And they had seen her take out a demon, so they wanted sufficient force to kill her. And they sent a small force because they still had to use stealth- Grathen would probably notice a large group of undead strolling through the streets.
As for the bit about the revenge child, takes revenge for her mother.
Her power comes from her desire to get vengeance. Revenge (perhaps a god like Nemesis? But I was thinking more along the lines of a primal force) picked her as her own, and she gained powers from that.
Does this answer all you questions? I'll go through the sub and clarify a couple of points at a later point. Go to Comment
Ah, the missing link between the mindless shambler and the self-aware, sentient undead such as Liches or Vampires. An undead creature able to rationalize and think for itself after a fashion, but with limits. I like that they retain some of their skills from life. The Semblances would definitely be more useful for subterfuge, than direct confrontation. Go to Comment
Interesting. Gets the ole' idea box working. What if a semblance somehow regained his former memories of life but still felt hopelessly compelled to fulfill his master's nefarious goal, and that goal somehow conflicted with who the semblance was in life. Yes, very interesting. Go to Comment
A nifty little organisation you have here. I can imagine a bunch of stuffy nobles sitting around onleather chairs;, smoking cigars; "i say, lestor! Be a good fellow and have your zombie fetch some brandy will you?" Go to Comment
It was a good read. My only personal want with the story is less time on how he put on his clothes and what he ate and more on his thoughts on how to make one hand work or how to get around the honor and then can't. Him deciding to leave and then deciding to kill her were pretty heavy handed when compared to rest of the story. Those are the key points and parts I wanted to hear a little more about to better buy into the decisions. As it is, he just does it and that is it...ya know.
Story was great on why their are tunnel systems all over! The actually subway was more of an after thought for me. Magnets? Could have had more fun with that. You tend to weave these complicated political tales and I must say that they add a lot to what could have been a simple idea.
a Dwarven subway; how fun :p I enjoyed the background of the tunnels more than the subsystem itself - and though the Glenbeard Tunnels were used to the Dwarves advantage, it could now very easily be part of their demise, as an invading army can breach the walls at any point in the tunnels and set an invading army, and the dwarves would be equally surprised as the human cities were when they invaded! Perhaps a rival dwarf clan set on taking the spoils which Cagen Blackblade originally earned for himself.
Anywho - plenty of practical use; so much can happen within tunnels and cave systems, and it can be used in minor or major applications in a game; whether just a convenient way of travelling from town to town, or as the catalyst of an all-out subterrainean war between rival clans.
I was gonna give you a 3.5, but in writing this comment out, I talked myself up to 4.5 :p Go to Comment
I agree with Shadoweagle and Strolen, the tale is interesting and full of dwarven psychology and a "can-do" bearded spirit and is the meat of the sub. However, I do find the idea of a dwarven subway and magnetism, stimulating to ponder as well!
The fact that this is not "slanted" toward an automatic steampunk-ish vibe, instead sticking to "fantasy", is also quite interesting!
There was an ooold Dungeon Magazine(tm) adventure involving something similar (dwarven train system) with a load of dwarven politics thrown in. This reminds me of that in a good way!! Go to Comment
I like the story alot, but it feels like you ran out of steam towards the end. You give us the broadstrokes of the political military history of the region and how that lead to the formation of the tunnels. You gives us a few specific details about some battle and the personalities that shaped that world. We don't get a clear picture of the "modern tunnels" or the the tunnels that this sleepy little dwarf is asking about. What are the Irondeeps like today? What is it like to ride the subsystem? Could you have some Chinatown like plot where some evil dwarven developer wants to recklessly expand the dwarven tunnels? You have a great prologue. Go to Comment