Strolen's Citadel: Browsing caesar193's Comments

Raveten
Lifeforms (Constructed) (Any)

Gossamer's comment on 2013-04-23 07:09 AM

Must have missed that part. But what is it you want help with then exactly? Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

Strolen's comment on 2013-05-06 11:37 AM

I added the Oekaki graphic to help identify these subs a little better. Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

Strolen's comment on 2013-05-06 02:33 PM

I think it is a fun idea. The idea of it entrapping the victims and attracting the enemy to kill them is pretty darn neat. Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

Dragonlordmax's comment on 2013-05-10 08:21 PM

The basic premise is solid, if a bit familiar. The specific mechanic by which this plant eats people is interesting, but I'm not sure I like the degree of perception required for "trap people, then call monsters." I might like to see a rework of that part if this were to be revisited.

That said, the drug use idea is great. Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

axlerowes's comment on 2013-05-06 09:26 PM

I like the opening line. People can deal with the facts, but there is a lot more to this...what is innocence, what is a monster, the flowers seem to have tapped into this oversoul of morality...and I am inspired by it. Wrote an Oekaki based on this Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

valadaar's comment on 2013-05-08 08:10 PM

Not bad - the only part that really jarred with me was the attraction of generic 'monsters' but I expect that is a result of the time limit. Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-06 02:57 AM

What the score says. I think the underlying idea likeable and original but then there is one unanswered question that is nagging at me: You say that based on this flower's need for blood, it somehow "surely develop the capacity for innocence". I just find the logic of that too much of a jump. I mean, making ppl de-age (innocent) will make them less cautious and so more easily killed but surely that's not the only way to get blood.

Also, in general, I feel that this piece has somehow been rushed a little and could do with a proof-read. I normally don't deduct points for minor typos etc. but for this sub I sort of did because I felt some of the sentences relied on the readers to make the logical connections as well as having the typos. For example, when you discuss the downside of the flowers, instead of leaving things hanging, you could add in a sentence somewhere to say when ppl are not under the thrall of flower and are uneasy, they might move on and foil the flower's "scheme". Currently, it just trails off into a description of how ppl are trying to find a reason for the unease and I get a bit of a question mark on what this paragraph is trying to tell me.

I don't mean to be somehow negative abt this sub as I think it a solid one but I just think that it would benefit from some editing.

Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-06 06:54 PM

Ah I see, I saw the freetext but I wasn't in the Citadel when Scras threw up his sub on Oekaki so I had no idea abt it being a challenge at all. But now that you've explained it, I think you have done very well given the context. Therefore, I will now be revising my vote accordingly. Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-06 07:01 PM

A revote based on understanding of Oekaki, which was previously not accounted for. While I remain of the same opinion of the logic of the flower, I'm opting for a high score because I really appreciate the nature of the Oekaki challenge (and so I'm downgrading the point penalties on the logic part of the sub). Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

Dossta's comment on 2013-05-06 05:43 PM

I find the logic of the flowers a bit thin, but the concept is kinda cool. I'd like to know why they only grow around ruins and other abandoned places. Seems like they'd be a better weapon to be cultivated around the lairs and stomping grounds of the fey. Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

caesar193's comment on 2013-05-05 11:36 AM

Another idea I had for these is their drug potential. If you want, it could be possible to chew or smoke or whatever these. It would give the person a massive high, while reverting them to more childish thoughts. Naturally, because they can only be found in dangerous, monster infested ruins, they would be quite expensive. A little reward for the PCs who survive they're experience with the Flowers of Innocence Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

caesar193's comment on 2013-05-06 07:10 AM

May I direct your attention to the Oekaki free text? Oekaki is where you do a piece in 30 minutes. So, yes, you could say it was "rushed a little." If you follow the free text, you'll find the sub where Scrasamax explains Oekaki better than I could in a petty comment.

Anyways, if at some point in the future the idea of the flowers is proven to be good enough, I'll go through and exterminate typos and badly phrased sentences with extreme prejudice. Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

caesar193's comment on 2013-05-07 07:49 AM

Wait a second... I inspired fanfic??? With a badly-logiced, badly-rationalized oekaki? I am honored. I shall have to go parse this fanfic as a god examines the petty lives of the mortals striving to gain a message that they are worthy of their very lives. I wonder whether this is how Stephanie Meyer feels like when she sees all the new vampire books and movies and etc. Go to Comment

Flowers of Innocence
Lifeforms (Flora) (City/ Ruin)

caesar193's comment on 2013-05-07 07:54 AM

Oh, the flowers can live in your forest glades and fey-homes. It's just that since they have the innocence is of them increased, that has to be balanced out by the dark side of them likewise being increased. And so, like a normal flower feeds on the nutrients of the decomposed dead to live, these flowers depend on sorrow and pain and blood to live. And yes, I just thought of that simile. Nothing of its form occured during the writing do this piece.

Anyways, because ruins tend to be places where some great calamity struck and caused the terror and fear and misery of thousands, the flowers like it there. The flowers thrive there. Go to Comment

The Fall of the Knights
Plots (Duty) (Campaign)

Strolen's comment on 2013-02-18 09:15 AM

Reads like a nice convoluted plan that is complex enough to leave plenty of room for PC interaction yet easy enough to follow. Not sure I could add anything without knowing which way you are intending to go with it. But as far as that, it seems you have a solid plan for it all already. Go to Comment

The Fall of the Knights
Plots (Duty) (Campaign)

Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-04 02:50 AM

On the positive, all the players are introduced clearly and Wilheln's plan comes across as feasible and well though out as if it was constructed through much deliberation as suited to the context. There are bits of the writing that I don't like, though, such as "This push-and-pull effect would have the desired effect" with the word "effect" appearing twice in one sentence. But despite such personal preferences over expression, I still think it a solid piece. Go to Comment

The Fall of the Knights
Plots (Duty) (Campaign)

Gossamer's comment on 2013-04-28 06:43 AM

"But no this is no more. Now Wilhelm is a nothing."
I would change that to; is a nobody. I'm not sure if that works in old English or not, just my preference, other than that, decent. Go to Comment

Wilhelm the Courageus
NPCs (Campaign) (Combative)

Strolen's comment on 2013-04-28 09:07 AM

Seems like I got to it after a lot of edits because I think this is a great NPC. I haven't read the linked plot yet, but I don't have to in order to enjoy the use I could get out of this person.

As is, he is an honorable knight thrown from his order and now an escaped convict. Still honorable from what I gather here, with a past he needs to hide out of necessity. Shouldered with guilt and probably with a need to track down the truth and clear his name he will always have an alternate, primary motivation besides what the PCs may expect from him. A very nice background for a complicated NPC.

You could use the betrayed background to good effect in many ways and, while the initial setup is specific with the knights of thrul and all that, it would be a very simple thing to make it fit in almost any game.

Thumbs up! Go to Comment

Wilhelm the Courageus
NPCs (Campaign) (Combative)

Strolen's comment on 2013-04-28 09:11 AM

I like the idea of him coming to the rescue of the PCs in some woodland encounter where they need help and are grateful for his intervention. He still has too much honor to allow the bandits to attack innocents. After he saves them he is very protective over information they carry and/or trying to keep one alive to question. He may go out of his way to keep some alive too with the guilt of his past deed haunting him. He could care less about the gold but if any is found he could be way too curious about it causing some initial discomfort with the PCs.

After the encounter he could protect them some more, show them some safe paths and generally get them on their way. Then one night he may just disappear without a word leaving the players confused. If they travel the woods around this area he could reappear or they could learn who he really is. Go to Comment

Wilhelm the Courageus
NPCs (Campaign) (Combative)

Strolen's comment on 2013-04-28 09:15 AM

Could almost turn this person into a Robin Hood type character. Living off the land, chasing bandits and saving or assisting caravans or local peasants. Always the priority is trying to clear his name. The common folk that live in the woods see him as their own personal hero just by happen-chance and probably don't know anything about the issues he is going through. All they know is that he keeps roads safe and often times throws some goods their way that he gets from the encounters. He is after the truth, anything else is just not needed by the honorable knight. Go to Comment

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