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Jacob Latris
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Mystical)
Darkstand's comment on 2013-08-26 11:13 PM
The Good: The backstory overall is quite good, the death of the father very striking, That sort of thing can certainly lead one down a dark path. Despite what other said, I figured one of them would eventually betray the other, so that was not jarring to me. Maybe a fight or two narrated before then might help, though.

The Bad: The mother is only mentioned in passing. What happened to her? The fixation on Vengeance is logically illogical enough (is that even a thing?) but the leap to killing himself with Vengeance is... odd.
Perhaps a better goal would be to BECOME Vengeance? This is still highly illogical, but seems to follow the path of lunacy more closely, as well as being tangentially possible. By dedicating himself to Vengeance, he would A) fill his need for faceless Vengeance B) his goal of self destruction, as the Jacob Lantris that used to be (the one that watched his father die, as well as the one who killed his friend) would cease to exist, if it even does anymore. It would require little change to the story, as well.
...I feel my sanity slipping just writing that path of logic. (What little there was left anyway.) I'll consider that a point in your favor. Go to Comment
The Shield of St. John
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2013-08-20 06:53 PM
I like the history, and i like that it isnt magical. It fits in nicely with Lunism.

What I like most about Atheus in general so far - based on what i've read - is that the religions and gods are all question marks - there's no definite proof of them being correct, or just all made up. However, demons and dark things are very real (For example, your Culthus sub.).

If someone in Atheus were to REALLY want to find the truth of gods and devils, I think they would find the most truth by seeking demons and following the path towards hell, rather than looking and praying to the skies for something that may or may not exist. Go to Comment
The Shield of St. John
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2013-08-29 12:55 PM
I like the magic suits of armour. Go to Comment
The Shield of St. John
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-24 08:35 PM
A good sub, though very specific in its application.

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The Shield of St. John
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
mrcelophane's comment on 2013-08-19 03:56 PM

It's a solid idea...just missing some sort of flair that would make me score higher. 

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The Shield of St. John
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
mrcelophane's comment on 2013-08-19 04:41 PM

Added an extra .5

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The Shield of St. John
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-08-24 10:37 PM

This seems like good flavor for the setting. I don't know if I'd use it directly; it's possible to make a Macguffin out of it, but I don't know that I would. I'd be more likely to make the location, or the road to it, a setting for conflict involving the two dominant religions.


Of course, I could certainly see Trianarianists attempting to destroy such a tangible symbol of the dead prophet.

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The Shield of St. John
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
Gossamer's comment on 2013-08-20 06:10 AM
When there's no magic to it, there's not much to do but focus on the background, and you've certainly done that. Maybe some plothooks? After all even if it's not much in the equipment department, it could still serve as a Macguffin. Go to Comment
The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2013-08-13 07:03 PM
There are parallels/similarities in this with Jesus (travelling preacher, spreading the word dispute persecution, thought of by some as a god etc) which I am guessing are intentional. John serves as a solid historical figurehead for Lunism and the religion definitely benefits from his story.
It is a little bland, but then again something doesn't have to be flashy to be useable; a good npc to further the believability of Lunism in a game. Go to Comment
The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2013-08-16 08:54 PM
Aah, a dark secret; a nefarious twist! This is the kind of thing that the sub needed; a fellow of high morals preaching about his religion until he died was a bit dry, but have that person harbor a secret life of taboo arts... That makes things more interesting.

It would be tastier if some of the 'higher ups' knew this secret, and then when the pcs decide to hunt for clues as to johns tomb, they suddenly find a secret lunist organisation trying to assassinate them. After all, having the truth of a religious figurehead being a necromancer come out will be very damaging for the faith! Lies, coverups, scandals; you have turned this sub into a very 'Da Vinci code-esque' kind of drama.

And when the pcs finally get to the tomb and learn the truth they have a choice: reveal the truth and damage the reputation of someone who did actually do some good in the world, or destroy the evidence. Go to Comment
The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
Cheka Man's comment on 2014-01-22 08:15 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
Dozus's comment on 2014-01-22 05:12 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-23 01:59 PM
Not bad, the secret certainly helped it. I have a some suggestions:

Change

"However, usually around 1 in 10 people can make it out, as they're familiar with the terrain. "

To this, or something similar:

"Occasionally some exiles survive, either by blind luck or exceptional skills at woodcraft."

"Whatever the reason, John soon discovered a necromancy spell, as well as sorcery, that can help with one's public speaking, and your talent for it."

Such magics are not normally considered the area of necromancy, but perhaps sorcery. It feels forced - you needed him to have exceptional public speaking, and he uses necromancy, so poof - charisma enhancing spell.

I'd say instead he became possessed by some spirit during his dabbling that wanted to use him for some evil end. It helped him in his quest, grooming him for bigger things. In the end, perhaps John figured it out, and killed himself, or he began to disobey the spirit and the spirit killed him. The tomb may in fact still harbour this evil spirit.








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The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
Ted's comment on 2013-08-12 09:00 PM
Woah woah woah, when did we get the capability to add table of contents that actually linked to that specific part of a submission? Go to Comment
The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
Ted's comment on 2013-08-12 09:00 PM
Woah woah woah, when did we get the capability to add table of contents that actually linked to that specific part of a submission? Go to Comment
The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
Ted's comment on 2013-08-13 09:31 AM
As a history and mysterious prophet figure, it works, but overall John's backstory is a boring tale of some dude avoiding a few assassination attempts while the masses fall at his feet and covert immediately despite the angry guys with swords acting like the Spanish Inquisition running around.

Do Lunist holidays exist in John's name? Are there rites or sayings that invoke him? What are they? Do priests attempt to emulate what little they know about such a bland and mysterious figure who was seen speaking by hundreds if not thousands of people?

How did a guy who managed to convert an entire continent remain mostly anonymous and why are the details of how he lived his daily life shrouded in mystery? Go to Comment
The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-08-14 09:48 AM
I have mixed feelings on this.

On the one hand, how could I not like a religion of the Moon :)

On the other, I agree with the blandness that others pointed out. It seems like this could be so much more. However, the prophet seems more like a cardboard cutout than a real person. He must have had charisma or piety or something in order to affect so many people, so why not show it? I'm not really drawn into the conflict between the two religions and thus don't actually feel moved by his assassination. Of course I could use that conflict in a game and maybe reference the followers of John but I want to be a little lazy and have you show me how I should make my players care.

I'm Ok with the mysterious past; that could actually work for you if done right. IMO, it just needs more work. Go to Comment
The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-08-24 10:29 PM

On reading this updated version I am upping my vote. The background made the character more real to me. His hidden skills in sorcery and necromancy, used as a tool in his battle for supremacy of his religion over the other, also speaks to the nature of the faithful in your world.


However, I do agree with the points made by valadaar. Saying "1 in 10" sounds like the simple mechanics of a die roll, which pulls me out of the story. I really like the idea of John in turmoil over being possessed by a spirit which both helps him and controls him.


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The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
caesar193's comment on 2013-08-12 09:46 PM
http://strolen.com/guild/index.php/topic,6216.0.html

And can you not put your awe at new site features in my subs? I'd rather comments be about how awesome of a writer I am and how great my work is than about the Table of Contents. Go to Comment
The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
caesar193's comment on 2013-08-13 10:57 PM
Close, but, as they say, no cigar.

I wasn't actually going for Jesus, though I do see how he could be thought of that way. I was actually going for the Prophet John's namesake (John the Baptist, Jesus's forerunner) more than I was Jesus. And, of course, Malcolm X with the death bit, and the public speaking, religion, birth (as in, the Prophet John, as people know him, has no past that bears any importance to the man of the present. Like Malcolm X), convincing, charitable, and furthering his cause. Of course, the wandering thing is a good similarity to Jesus, and was, somewhat, intentional. Go to Comment
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