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falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
Barbarian Horde's comment on 2008-04-24 09:23 PM
Hi, Brutus. Welcome to the citadel.

You've got a nice submission here. I like how you added in the part about a lack of prophecies. It keeps it nice and open-ended, which can be nice. Like Dozus has already said, though, it might be better with some sort of more specific plot, so players have something to build on.

I'd recommend splitting up the submission into paragraphs that all dwell on the same subject, like MoonHunter said. It makes submissions easier to read.

Also, I think the name "Azerath" might be very similar to one used in a video game (Warcraft III, or something). While it is perfectly exceptable to make derivative names out of place names in video games, it's sort of disliked here. It's not very creative, and it can get confusing and annoying if enough people do it. Personally, I suggest you make up a more unique name. Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
MoonHunter's comment on 2008-04-16 06:30 PM
Actually, you should review this: Five Best Tips for Posting on Strolen's (and Other Places). It is a summary of what we are going to tell you anyways.

Now I want you to make sure to break up your submission into digestable chunks. Make sure each section is labeled. Make sure to put a space between paragraphs. It increases readability.

Each section, in a plot, should have a purpose... like a set of chapters in a novel have a purpose. It should include the parts of the setting that should be important, important non player characters, and any dramatic events the players are probably going to get involved in. You should always find something in one section, a clue, a piece of information, a trail, a smoking gun, that leads you into the next section.

Remember, you are writing this plot so other people can use it, so it needs all the "cool pieces" for them to use.

Also remember to link out to other submissions. Knights of Greed for example. They would make a great Society Submission. Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
Scrasamax's comment on 2012-01-02 09:26 AM
Update: Inactive author, sub lost in Advice Requested. Cleaning a bit of house. ~ Scrasamax Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
Mourngrymn's comment on 2008-04-16 05:32 PM
1st) Please use a spell checker. Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
Phaidros's comment on 2012-01-03 08:39 PM
A pity, while not a great post, it has potential. I like the notions of no prophesies and the different factions which are at odds, both are big departures from the standard fantasy scenario for falling empires. Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
Dozus's comment on 2008-04-16 05:36 PM
Welcome to the Citadel, Brutus! Thanks for your subs.

Just a heads up about our little operation. There's a few things we always want to see in subs: playability, detailed descriptions, reasonable backstories, good grammar. Punctuation and grammar is a *must* with us. I suggest running your sub through a spellchecker before you post it (there's one on the submission page, if you don't feel like using your word processor). I'd like to talk to you about your content, but honestly I'm afraid I can't read it due to lack of punctuation and spelling :) Start by running that sucker through a spellchecker, and we'll go from there.

A great example of a a plot can be found in Manfred's "To Die For Love." Perhaps that will give you a good idea on how a plot sub should look.

Again, welcome to the Citadel! Hope to see more from you, and to comment on your completed sub soon! Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
Drackler's comment on 2008-05-12 09:38 PM
You're going to need to check spelling and grammar again, and a few details added would be nice. The basic idea is intriguing, but this seems more of a setting in which to create a plot, rather than a plot unto itself. Welcome to the Citadel, Brutus. Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
chilled's comment on 2008-07-03 10:06 AM
Not much to say what hasn't been said already.

WELCOME though, glad to see some new blood. Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
brutus_bullworth's comment on 2008-04-17 04:10 PM
Updated: recntly correted the spelling and gramer so now you can actully read it. Also thanks for the warm welcome hope to hear more of your comments soon. Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
Aramax's comment on 2008-05-11 01:08 PM
Just a though but what if you dwell on the LACK of prophesy by throwing some in that totally don't match. Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
Kassy's comment on 2008-07-27 06:03 AM
Azerath, were have i heard that before, it sounds extremely familiar... Go to Comment
falling empires
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
Kassy's comment on 2008-07-12 08:37 AM
PUNCTUATION!

Remember it, and a hearty welcome. Go to Comment
Michael 'Bloodbath' Hallows
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Kassy's comment on 2008-07-12 08:39 AM
Spelling and punctuation you really need to check both of those things.
Please continue it and when you are done i'll vote on it. Go to Comment
The Knights Of Greed
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
MoonHunter's comment on 2008-04-16 10:17 PM
Administrator Note: This needs to be a society submission, not an NPC.
Society/ Combative/ Regional

Note brutus_bullworth: if it was just one guy, or one guy and his immediate cronies, then it could be an NPC submission. This is a fallen knightly order.

On a helpful editorial note: Mourn hit most of the highlights. Please remember you need to explain everything, as if the person reading knows nothing about this Gorgon Greed. You will also need to explain some history for this organization. Nothing just "appears". Everything has roots and things that happened in the past to make it what it is today. Make sure to explain those things to make this a satisfactory submission. Go to Comment
The Knights Of Greed
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Mourngrymn's comment on 2008-04-16 05:48 PM
1st) As in the other sub, please use a spell checker.

I will go into more detail with this sub than I did the last one. I greatly understand that this is a work in progress. That being said, already I see it falling victim to the munchkinism. Gorgon seems far to OP (over powered), as everything seems to be the strongest, the best, most brilliant as can be. The extremely powerful jade plate armor brings memories of Oblivion with their armor and weapon sets. The giant gold G to me seems a tad bit over the top and to comical to even put in, Super Greed anyone? Much more than that alone brings issues to my mind to the table.

However, that being said. The name in and of itself has intrigued me. At first I had assumed it to be a group of knights that have forsaken the code of ethics and responsibilities of your average knighthood code of conduct. However, the name is just a name is just a name... but in this case that name has brought interest to me. I would change this from an NPC to a Group submission as you seem to be speaking of the group as a whole and not the founder in particular. I would make separate submissions, one for each though to fully flesh out the idea and bring home the color. The history of Gorgon would be a separate tale from the history of the Knights of Greed, with some basic meshing to make their stories intertwine.

a) Why do they have powers over the four elements? Is this a rare thing for this world/ setting? Is magic not in abundance or is it rampant throughout everyone's daily lives?

b) Why is Gorgon so willingly to save nt just one, but multiple kingdoms from turmoil? Why does he have a feeling of duty to protect all these different nations? And does this feeling conflict when two nations he has helped in the past collide with one another?

c) How does he recruit the knights for this order? And why are magicians in the order also called knights? Is the word knight a simple title meaning protector or does it have a complete other meaning?

d) Why the detail of the armor and weapons? What makes jade so special, and normally jade armor would be futile as it would be brittle against metal weapons. Besides the cost of such a suit of armor would be outrageous, let alone the upkeep on them would be near impossible unless another form of magic was involved in keeping them in one piece.

e) What happened to Gorgon? The knights answer to Marcos Shaklebolt? Who is he and where did Gorgon go? Is he a son? Brother? Friend? Usurper?

f) Why the sudden change in their code of ethics at the end? Some are good and some are totally corrupt? How would they be corrupt if they are chosen for being good natured?

Again I understand that this is all a work in progress so take all of this as just some helpful ideas to bring this diamond in the rough to light. Go to Comment
The Knights Of Greed
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
chilled's comment on 2008-07-03 10:08 AM
I hate to admit it but your work reminds me of when i first cam ehere, but maybe you'll improve with a bit of luck Go to Comment
The Knights Of Greed
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2009-06-08 11:17 AM
Update: Putting this back in your workbin for now. If you could, please consider the advice given and give it a work over.

Let me know if you have any questions! Go to Comment
The Knights Of Greed
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
brutus_bullworth's comment on 2008-04-17 03:50 PM
Updated: i've tried to explain much of the questions that have been asked with this update as i can but the reason i made it so that Gorgon protects several kingdoms is that the knights of Greed can be used in other campaign plus i find it a rather interesting scenario when two kingdoms The Knights Of Greed protect have a conflict with each other(oh and the jade green armor isn't really made of jade it's just the same shade of green as jade with a shine to it). Also i'd like to put this in the groups and societys category but i have no idea how(i'm kinda new here). Anyway your comments and suggestions are much appreciated. Go to Comment
The Knights Of Greed
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Kassy's comment on 2008-07-12 08:42 AM
I kinda have to agree with Moonhunter, this needs its spelling etc revised, and try to tone the idea down a bit they seem a little bit on the overpowered side. Go to Comment
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