Strolen\s Citadel content. 
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Pieh's comment on 2010-10-04 11:04 PM
I agree with Dossta. Spice it up a notch and don't be afraid to details noteworthy establishments or people, descriptions of more festivities, and add some color. Sandy tan buildings don't sound very fun. Maybe they should be covered in colorful murals and graffiti, banners with interesting phrases, colored lights, a bonfire in the middle of the city. Stuff like that. Go to Comment
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Murometz's comment on 2010-10-05 01:54 PM
I agree with Dossta :-)

I really like locations (cities) that stand out due to one mitigating factor or another, such as a city known far and wide for its parties. Good start here, give us more info! Go to Comment
Scribblink, Stitcherace, and Rush Fanfic
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axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-05 07:25 AM
I agree with Dossta, it needs more, I think you can keep what you have but give us some imagery for the location. Also you need to have a perspective to your writing; who is writing this and why. If it is being written by GMs for GMs than that is fine, but you might accomplish more if you write from the perspective of a person in the game world. As it is now it just a collection of facts (about fiction no less) listed with out narrative or purpose.

Also add some geography to the description. Go to Comment
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valadaar's comment on 2010-10-08 03:14 PM


Good start - needs more meat on its bones!

Go to Comment
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Dossta's comment on 2010-10-04 07:06 PM
For a party city, it seems pretty dry. Where are the colors? The people? I get the feeling that this is supposed to be a sort of fantasy Las Vegas, but it is missing the excitement. Does it have a darker side? Is the economy based entirely on tourism/partying or do the people have other occupations?

Withholding my vote for now. Go to Comment
Scribblink, Stitcherace, and Rush Fanfic
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herrozerro's comment on 2010-10-06 01:37 PM
I have to agree with the general comments, It needs more detail. Go to Comment
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Strolen's comment on 2010-10-03 04:46 PM
Great uncut gem of an idea. Definitely need to expand on, well, most everything. I think Edamus would be a fantastic character if we could find out more about him as well as the idea behind it.

Work on it or put it in "In Work" by editing it and changing its status. As a full submission it is missing quite a bit of information that we are dying to know. Go to Comment
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Pieh's comment on 2010-10-05 12:11 AM
Very interesting. The writing had a very fairy-tale feel to it, with its simple and precise sentences, which added to the atmosphere of the opening of the submission. But, getting into the part about Edamus, if didn't feel as natural. The overall story is a very nice way of introducing sciences and facts to an ancient setting that may not have been discovered otherwise. Sets a great base for how a world works and why. But I'm sure someone will question the integrity of the information somewhere down the line. Also: Jerk's questions should be answered. Go to Comment
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Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2010-10-04 07:25 PM
I have read this both before and after the update. In my eyes this is now a Good Solid Idea and thus a 3.0. But! Since you bothered to update it I will add a notch on the vote. Thus: 3.5.

Thank you for working on it! Go to Comment
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Ancient Gamer's comment on 2010-10-03 02:58 AM
This submission is based on a promising idea: that the Gods communicate with the lay worshipers through divine letters, and that the mortals themselves, wicked as they are, ruined everything with their wars and bickering.

The scholar Edamus, however, sounds like a Gary Stu:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue

The submission itself is a stub at most, undigested and not ready to post.

I suggest you ditch Edamus, or make him less uber, and then rewrite the sub, making it longer and well-developed. Go to Comment
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Ancient Gamer's comment on 2010-10-03 12:14 PM
Nothing personal bww. These comments are meant to help you write creative content, and everyone here has gotten his share of criticism.

I hope you take my advice to heart, or, at the very least recognize it as the opinion of a fellow roleplayer. That being said, we are all human, and being human sometimes being closed to feedback (unless it is of the adoring kind).

This site is all about feedback, for better or for worse. Go to Comment
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Ancient Gamer's comment on 2010-10-04 02:34 PM
Good solid idea. Much improved. Thank you bookwormwen!

3.0 Go to Comment
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Mourngrymn's comment on 2010-11-17 11:32 PM


I remember reading this, voting on it and commenting on it... but it has gone into the ashes of history apparently. And now I can not remember what i had to say. I recall there being issues with some of the information but it seems better now...



 



Good job for updating it.


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Pariah's comment on 2010-10-04 06:54 AM
I'm going to have to agree with the others on this, it's either a decent stub, which is fine, or an undeveloped submission. I've got no major problem with the character of Edamus as such, every mythology/history has some figures that are quite frankly larger than life, and if he learned about life, the universe and everything from a few letters from the gods, I could see how he'd be viewed that way, in his time and especially afterwards.

On the other hand, some possible improvements would be to list the gods, or at least their domains. Another one is that you quite frankly say that the papers were destroyed, and yet later Ed seems to stumble upon them, revisionism is alright is history, but when you're writing a sub for an rp site, one might say something like "lost for a couple of aeons" or some such, so that not 3 sentences later someone finds something that was quite frankly described as destroyed. Also, and this is just a discongruity between your comment and what's implied by the sub itself, but if Ed is one of the first people to experiment with the magics as it were, how exactly was the Chariot of the Gods, which one would expect to be made out of sturdier stuff than balsa wood, destroyed by a people that were quite likely busy banging themselves over the heads with clubs, or stabbing each other with pointy sticks?

Also, I'm sure you're going to explain exactly who and what are Edamus and Thyra in other subs in the future, but until that point at least provide us with some idea as to the extent of their awesomeness. I'm only guessing that Thyra is likely where the college of mages or some such wonder exists in the world, but for all I, as an outsider know, it could be the very colorful name of the King's pigsty.

If the problem was that you were tired when you wrote this, I might suggest that you don't post things at 1AM in the future. Truthfully I don't say any of this to make you feel bad, or run away from the site because the people here are meanies and too critical, but because I actually like to read well put together posts. As it is I'd probably give it a 1.5, there were no serious grammatical flaws in it, only a couple of minor stylistic ones, the idea has quite a bit of promise, but wasn't done justice. I'm not actually voting because I'm hoping you'll take what I and the other's have said into consideration and rework the sub. Also, I'm sorry for pretty much writing an essay for you. :/ Go to Comment
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Pariah's comment on 2010-10-05 06:10 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
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axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-04 08:38 AM
The Vagueness doesn't bother me regarding the lost Chariot or all that, who knows maybe the gods do silly stuff like make a Chariot out of feathers, glass, air or balsa wood-but why is Ed such a jerk. Couldn't he make copies? Or did the gods intend for the information as to be only read once, like with the Book of Mormon.

Here is an idea, what if Ed didn't really find the letters, what if claims to have found the letters as means to give weight to his ideaology and personal mythos?

So what if the PCs are hired/ordered by the a Big Bad to find the letters, they aren't alone this is kind of like a Holy Grail Quest. All abled men and women of martial talent are ordered by the current power structure to quest for the letters. The PCs find Ed's letters after much trial only to learn that they are blank. Ed may have been a great wizard and scholar, but his career started with a lie. So what do they do? Do they keep questing for the original letters, even though they have no trail to follow, do they inform the world that Ed for all the great moral frame work and influence he was just a fake. The prophet spoke his own mind not the mind of the Gods...that could be a game changer. Or do the PC fake the letters themselves, and take on Ed's mantle.

PLEASE DON'T DELETE this, a lot of people, even veterans of this site delete posts that get poor scores. This hurts the site because it takes away from the dialog that grew from the post. It would be nice to make it more developing ideas than getting gold stars. Go to Comment
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axlerowes's comment on 2010-11-01 10:42 AM


It is better. 


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Ted's comment on 2010-10-03 02:13 PM
There is not enough information of the nature of the letters or their contents for me as a DM to use them in my campaign. Go to Comment
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Ted's comment on 2010-10-04 10:24 AM
The update improved the Sub a great deal, although honestly this sub seems more like a plot or historical happening in their current form.

1: Did Edamus find all the letters?
2: Will the Gods produce more?
3: Tie this into a group of PCs. Why are the letters important to their understanding of the world?
4: What happened because the original recipients of the letters did not get them? Go to Comment
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bookwormwen's comment on 2010-10-03 11:48 AM
I don't mind you don't like him. I happen to think Edamus is unique, considering he was one of the first scholars to experiment with dangerous magic and sciences.

Also, the reason the sub is pretty bad is because I was writing the whole thing at one o'clock in the morning and I was tired. I might fix it in the future. Go to Comment
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