As an investigator of the paranormal, why would she have a relationship with a vampire? We are talking about a dangerous bloodsucking undead leech. A horrifying abomination of nightmare terror. Don't tell me it was puppy love.
Also, why did she need to rest for over 100 years? Long nap. If it was an abandoned home, what was special about it that no passerby thought this beautiful lady sleeping on the floor for 100 years was unusual? This place would have to be on a deserted island or in the hidden reaches of the mountains of Tibet. "Lucy, you have some 'splaning to do!" Go to Comment
No real background, poor characterization.
I suggest that you expand on the occurences of her transformation into a vampire. As it is, you simply say that she was changed. There isn't anything about what really happened.
What are the happenings in her life after that? What is her personality? Her motivations and drives?
Where did she get her "blades" (swords, knives, katars?)?
Oh, and there weren't any reporters, as such, in 1789.
It's good to see that you take this well. We've had some members in the past who would have not recieved such a withering storm of criticism as well as you have. Consider it your acid test- you've passed with flying colors, at least in my eyes.
And for the record, I don't think you were lazy, I just think that you weren't really aware of what was necessary for a good submission. I was just like that when I first joined.
Keep it up! Post some more! Go to Comment
A couple of things besides the obvious of "too short", not enough description, about as interesting as drying paint...
There were not any reporters, or what we would call reporters, in 1789.
When did vincent die? Did he die before 1880 because if that was the case, there are no photos. (Heck if he was a vampire, should be no photos at all).
There is no plot, no drama, and no hook to this character. Nothing to make this character more than a cypher.
I want you to think about the Gold Standard:
If the character (item/ setting/ plot) is not as well described or as well developed as a character (item/ setting/ plot) in a novel (excluding horrible game fic novels), then it is not yet ready to be posted. If it is not the equal of said characters, then you need to do more work on it. Go to Comment
Another comment, before posting a vampire character, an author should be at least somewhat familiar with Bram Stoker and Anne Rice's Vampire works. I would say Anne Rice since she has produced a number of unique and colorful vampires that are endearing, if not as enduring as the masterwork himself. Vampires, despite being blood sucking parasites, should be tragic, or sympathetic figures, otherwise they suffer the ignoble fate of being pepped up zombies with a blood fetish
Thank you everyone for your comments and helping me see my mistakes, I could sit here and tell you that I was tired or didnt know what to say when I was writting this, but Im not the one for excuses, I was lazy really, Once again thank you. Go to Comment
My biggest problem with this is that suggestions have been made to improve this that have not been followed. There are numerous problems above and beyond the subject matter:
1. Numerous spelling errors.
2. Capitalization in places
3. Punctuation -Missing apostrophes - shes , commas used as periods. No space following comma in places.
In addition to the other comments, what is special about the two daggers that they deserve names?
Please, when you are given feedback on what whould improve your sub, take it into consideration and rework your sub. You are obviously interested enough to post it in the first place - follow through and make it good! Go to Comment
You've probebly heard of the real Thomas Hopkins, Witchfinder-General, who hunted down and hanged suspected "witches". What if there was a world/realm where magic was normal, and it was the non-witches and non-wizards who were hunted down and hanged as inferior beings?