Truly excellent. I love how visceral and intimate the description of his encounter with Dwana is. The plot is very solid and everyone has interesting motives and feels like a fully realized person. Your explanations of the setup, necessary elements, and events are clear but broadly defined enough for wiggle room. Very good. Go to Comment
As you can see I've done this properly. My Chair and eat rig is being pulled by a proper hobbitish draft pony, and inside you will find bangers and mash, a no-spill tureen of red eye gravy, and a fresh pouch of pipeweed.
When it comes to a chair and eat rig, the most important thing is power, so instead of a silly hobbitish pony, I've seen fit to attack my rig to a chariot horse team, count them, two horse power! (cart goes off at a break neck pace, seconds later tipping over, making a mess and promptly catching on fire while the chariot horses break away and go crashing through a fence)
While those two knuckleheads are bickering about proper and power, I'm just going to sneak in with this, a half sized chair and eat, stocked with a bunch of fruit and biscuits, and it's pulled by look at that, an adorable pair of goats. (wagon goes twenty feet, then goat gets tangled in harness, and eats the fruit biscuits while waiting to be untangled)
And on that bombshell, we say good night and see you next time Go to Comment
I like it. It's got a nice hobbit feel to it and makes good background flavor for a game. Perhaps PCs meet with their contact at a race, or have to hijack a rig to catch another one loaded with poisoned food. Go to Comment
But if you really hate hobbits, please consider making them your replacement for goblins. You could take everything hobbity and twist it towards malevolence. No unlike the town council in "Hot Fuzz". Go to Comment
First, Thanks for the comment!
Second. No, it is not finished in as much as there will be a follow up posts. I have modeled this on Moonlake's "Return of the White Deer" posts. It is a different style of posting, and I am never sure how to vote on it either.
Third: I would love some proof reading thanks for asking! But I am trying to take a risk with some of the spoken dialog, and make that a little inaccessible, oddly phrased and poorly worded at times. But other than the spoken dialog if the grammar or spelling is off or there seems to be a word missing then it is likely a true error. And there are likely a lot of them, Go to Comment
*jumps into the conversation upon hearing own name* Well, I never thought about the voting business because I posted in such a way purely because I myself have an aversion to reading works of length on the site so I posted in Chapters format for easy reading.
I'm yet to read the Earth part (spent whole of yesterday practically in chat). Axle, you sure that the jumbled dialogue is intentional as opposed to the product of this being a Drunken Guild sub? :P Go to Comment
Okay, just finished. The intentionally odd dialogue wasn't so bad overall but at the start it wasn't clear to me that Emily spoke that way because of the Serimax (I originally thought it was just a med for your nerves as opposed to sth like the dope that could get you high) and so I thought that was just a product of this being a Oekaki thing that seems to be your normal mode of operation.
I like the action packed start and the odd bit there indicating Emily was high on sth. Sci-fi normally isn't my thing but this so far I can handle (why I can't handle sci fi usually is b/c of drawn out explanations of how all the awesome tech works, they flow over my head and I just cannot comprehend).
Nothing much to fix in my opinion except regarding clarity in the early part of Emily's odd speech and the question marks currently missing across the board (very consistent behaviour for someone drunk :P). Go to Comment
I'm withholding voting until I know whether this is finished or not? It needs a lot of proofreading (I can help with that if you'd like), and towards the end, some of those sentences are quite garbled and I wasn't sure what it was supposed to say.
There's also quite a disconnect between the Mars part and the end of the Earth part, so is there more to come? I like a lot of it so far, but it really seems to need more. Go to Comment
Nothing wrong with it, though if consistency is important, I would suggest it be preferred to feed it monoatomic plasma of a standard input gas. It's relatively easy to sort by mass spectrometry, doesn't take that much juice to make, and it's... harder to feed it bizaare isomeric chemistries. Go to Comment