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Ghostchasers
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Plains)
valadaar's comment on 2011-03-19 06:57 PM


Damn good sub sir - this is excellent!


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Ghostchasers
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Plains)
Moonlake's comment on 2012-06-19 01:57 AM
A well-detailed sub, presented in a scientific way. Go to Comment
Ghostchasers
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Plains)
slartibartfast's comment on 2009-08-19 05:48 PM
Until now I always thought ornithology and roleplaying games were mutually exclusive hobbies. This is really good! Well-written, a novel idea, and very realistic background. As I read this, I'm thinking of a dozen different uses for it in my own campaign. Excellent work, Axle! Go to Comment
Chapter 3: The Ivanvil
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Regional)
Barbarian Horde's comment on 2009-04-25 12:32 AM
"Is it only not illegal amongst these people to murder strangers?"

Dude that question broke my brain. Go to Comment
Chapter 3: The Ivanvil
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Regional)
manfred's comment on 2009-10-25 05:44 PM
I have read it now (after seeing Chapter 6) and must say there is indeed imagination and a lot of juicy content (sans those typos). The untrustworthy, well-groomed, proud Ivanvil would make for quite some encounters and tricky roleplaying. Good thing that.

Hope the other chapters will come too! (And hey, you can use a Codex to put them all together into a book, giving perhaps some more identity to the speaker.) Go to Comment
Chapter 3: The Ivanvil
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Regional)
Cheka Man's comment on 2009-04-24 04:15 PM
Is it only not illegal amongst these people to murder strangers? Go to Comment
Chapter 3: The Ivanvil
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-09-24 06:57 PM


I am preparing to put another chapter into this and I think you are right on with every observation except ditching the first person. We have to make a choice with regard to perspective and I reject this idea of non-biased or "factual" perspective. I am writing this for my game world, to make sure that I have the depth there if it comes up, if the players chose to explore it. I think it a great compliment to compare it to the Silmarillion, this is not the story, the players are the story: I will try more stories in the future. Also I think your advice is citadel geared, getting more responses from the citadel, and this is for my game. While you may be right about the Citadel, your advice is not helpful regarding gaming. But I am glad you read it and thanks for the feedback.

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Chapter 3: The Ivanvil
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-26 10:01 AM
Did you see Post# 5750? Go to Comment
Chapter 3: The Ivanvil
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-02 07:53 PM


"I'm not clear how they fit into the rest of the world, though. What interactions do they have with the rest of the world besides robbing them? We get some idea with the merchants and the military aid."



I do mention that they will take part in the some of the church activities, they have been promoted to the peerage and that a member of their tribe acted as regeant for a while. But how the various tribes of Parna fit together was one of the over arching themes of the campaign (which is now over). Even the in game author of this write up asserts a view on this topic which he states is contentous. But at the game table we did a lot work on how the various tribes worked together or did not, it was a source of conflict. So good catch?

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Chapter 3: The Ivanvil
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Regional)
valadaar's comment on 2009-04-28 07:02 PM
I'm afraid the reason not to much commentary has been made is that is is a bit too long. A well detailed and complete description, but the narration does not really help it stand out or draw the reader.

I would look as this again and pare about 30% at least from it. There are also a fair number of typos.

Imagination and content is there! But keep in mind that while many people read the Lord of the Rings, few read the The_Silmarillion, a text your details called to mind.

So seriously, ditch the 1st person unless you can strengthen the narrative and bring it to life, and look at perhaps trimming the content to what is important and interesting about your world.

I've found from experience here overlong = overlooked. Go to Comment
Chapter 3: The Ivanvil
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Regional)
caesar193's comment on 2014-02-24 10:02 PM
You seem to use the first person more prevelantly in the later sections than in the begining ones. In fact, in the Dress section, the only use of the first person is with the phrase "I never saw..."- which, by the way, is to common, you should probably vary it. Still, I enjoyed the use of the first person, and how the dwarf speaking was talking as if informing one of his clanmembers about the Ivanvil. The use of the festival to describe two of the allavets was excellent.

The rest of it was great as well. All those little details about them truly gave me a feel for who they are as a people- deceitful, manipulative rash warriors. I could easily see one of them as some sort of noble playing political games in an attempt at control, or bandit leader plotting a clever ambush.

I'm not clear how they fit into the rest of the world, though. What interactions do they have with the rest of the world besides robbing them? We get some idea with the merchants and the military aid. Go to Comment
The Nation of Parna
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-04-24 01:12 AM
got em,

thanks so much Go to Comment
The Nation of Parna
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
valadaar's comment on 2013-05-16 10:19 PM
Great stuff. Love the tone and attention to details.. Go to Comment
The Nation of Parna
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
Moonlake's comment on 2009-04-23 09:31 PM
Check your PM for grammar edits on the Codex. Not putting them here b/c want to leave the comments section for more constructive comments. Go to Comment
The Order of the Single Cut-Iota Company
NPCs  (Extras-Horde)   (Combative)
manfred's comment on 2009-04-07 05:23 PM
Now this isn't my preferred game genre, but I can see it being put to good use. Mech units - really, most military units - have someone in the background to take care of things while they rise to their glory or death. It's a solid amount of information but not too much, suitable as a template for another game or even to take over most of it.

There are some minor typos and the formatting could be improved, as with any complicated list - but those are minor quibbles. (If you plan to build upon it, you should consider splitting it into a scroll.) I am tempted to add a bit more potential for conflict to the personalities, though I see it may be intentional to keep things run smoothly (also to be expected in an elite unit). In general though, it is a well-written aid few would want to write, but many would welcome to have. Go to Comment
The Order of the Single Cut-Iota Company
NPCs  (Extras-Horde)   (Combative)
MoonHunter's comment on 2009-04-08 06:33 PM
It is hard to write "extras" that are engaging, especially when there is a group of them. While not my favorite setting, I understand this one. These are the "other company" that backs you up and fills out the situation, so you can go be dangerous/ heroic. It fills a valuable nitch.

Plus for being extras (a seldom used category) minus because the officers and notable figures did not engage me at all. Go to Comment
The Order of the Single Cut-Iota Company
NPCs  (Extras-Horde)   (Combative)
Michael Jotne Slayer's comment on 2009-04-08 12:50 AM
I second Manfred on this. Technical issues are syntax, formatting and typos. Otherwise I have to say that it was an ok read, I will never use it, but still ok. Go to Comment
The Order of the Single Cut-Iota Company
NPCs  (Extras-Horde)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2012-12-05 02:31 PM
Not bad. These folks are quite usable. Go to Comment
The Order of the Single Cut-Iota Company
NPCs  (Extras-Horde)   (Combative)
angryscotsman93's comment on 2009-05-24 02:00 PM
Hmm. Wouldn't fit into a Starship Troopers kind of game. After all, one of the primary rules of the Mobile Infantry that Heinlein made was that every man in a unit fights, regardless of other roles on the field. However, this is an incredibly thorough look at battlefield logistics that could fit into just about any other game. Bravo! Go to Comment
The Order of the Single Cut-Iota Company
NPCs  (Extras-Horde)   (Combative)
Nocontrivedname's comment on 2009-04-08 06:24 PM
Okay AR,

I gave you a 1 and you deleted it. But you took some of my advice, changed this to an NPC, fixed SOME of the typos and MJS says it is okay. So I will give you the thumbs up.

Later,
NCN Go to Comment
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