The abrupt switch from third to first person in the last section threw me for a few moments, but the story is still compelling. I'm still angry at Brait, and at Josslander too, if Brait can be considered a true and devoted follower of that religion.
Perhaps Brait has been grossly misled about what it means to be a Josslander, or perhaps he's intentionally using his religion as an excuse to be phenomenally lazy. Either way, the man comes across as an unfeeling sociopath. I hate him, but I believe that is what you intended. Well done? Go to Comment
I was drawn by the title like a heroin addict drawn by a large pile of heroin. And then you tell me that its all about glory and fame? Sigh.
Question the First: why couldn't Brait help his sister in the beginning? I get the whole premise that he can only do great things in Josslander's name, but helping your sis with the water doesn't really require invoking Josslander.
Question the Second: why couldn't/didn't Brait wipe out the Viking party? Well, raiders. Same thing. Killing off six raiders single handedly is no small feat. Unless you use magic or a bow or something that can kill from far away.
Question the Third: the chap that's a waterfall now. Is he enjoying being continuously dashed on the riverbed? It would seem kind of painful to continuously fall and splatter, over and over and over... Go to Comment
An island fortress of undead gumbearkins which can be shot to neighbouring continents. That. Is. Awesome.
yes, there are spelling and grammatical errors. But considering you did this in 30 minutes they can be overlooked. I couldn't write half as much in 30 minutes, so cudos there. The backstory of how the island and sling shot came to be is amusing and light-hearted and the island will give any adventurers trying to invade a good challenge as well as a few guffaws.
I can just see the party, sailing towards the island whilst undead bear creatures glide above them, some dropping into the water around them, others missing the mark by miles and flying off onto the horizon. Go to Comment
This is an entire campaign. The character start in a tiny village, approximately 200 miles away from the dwarven or goblin lands. A stray bearachute lands in their town hall, causing havoc. Investigating what happened leads them on a course of political intrigue, vampire-lycan parley, sailing, fighting, and (mostly) bears. Go to Comment
I meant this to be one of scras 30 minutes writing challenges. In that you are supposed to write up something original in 30 minutes. To be original it couldn't be a write up of some aspect of my standing settings or write up of some game material I have lying around. So sat down to write with a timer I used -stumbleupon-to get some inspiration and then I cranked out 7 paragraphs in 30 minutes. But when I was done it didn't fit any of the topic criteria, other than it was quickly written. So I broke up one paragraph, added an 8th and tossed it up here.
Don't know burrito bison, the bear flying craft were a gag used by stand up comedian working out of Ashville NC and the submarine was inspired CSS Hunley. Go to Comment
I think it might have scrambled my brain and I feel like my memory was sacrificed by the end. :)
I agree with caesar, I would very much prefer a wrap-up to pull these threads together so I understand what you think I should understand. Maybe put a separator to show what is written post challenge if you don't want to tweak the main submission to keep it pure.
One part that did confuse me. He writes the storm because it will return whereas the murder will not. Which infers that they use the historical "truths" to help with the future? But then the "I have no child" would go counter to previously written "truths" of her having a daughter so I am not sure how that balances. Seems to me that the cultists, once their "truths" are filed would mean nothing to them since they are in the moment so the use of the storm wouldn't be useful at all, they are just recorders. And wouldn't other recorders want to document the loss of a child as their interest? How many are there? Just caught me as confusing. Crayons, I like some things written in small words and crayons.
Also, as val mentioned, it is more of a fiction piece as it doesn't really give us anything to use as a society, while it definitely entertains. Go to Comment
I don't think it needs the nitty-gritty, just a little more to make it cohesive and self-sustaining. Right now it leaves more questions than it answers. I would prefer a single, well-defined unanswered question about the heredity cycle or how they became civilized vs. trying to figure out all the rest as well.
I do like it, it is just complex in its current state. Go to Comment
Thanks for the comments guys, you brought up a lot possiblities I hadn't thought of. I wrote this in 30 minutes as dictated by scars's writing challenge, (full disclosure...somebody proof read it, though not very well and I added the title and summary after 30 minutes). Looking over it know the thought process is pretty evident, the first character is writing but has run out of time. I added a bunch details to stall while I came up with a "plot" The next character is getting impatient and the story ends without a resolution. So I really don't have answers to your questions, the bird men were born in the first paragraph. I could make some up, but should I? If the literal message of the story is about perspective, and personal versus societal truth..should I add a nitty-gritty?
Anyway I can add stuff to the idea section. Thanks again for the notes! Go to Comment
Another highly atmospheric, thought-provoking piece, axle. I definitely agree with caesar here -- adding a small blurb to the end, even as a quote box, to give us more of the nitty-gritty would be very welcome. At the end, I was left wondering if the Truth Cult had actually managed to scramble Emanuel's brain, or if that was just a side effect of being tired.
Either way, I love these bird-people, and love the premise. I don't use SciFi settings nearly often enough, but I might take the idea for the cult whole-cloth and try to apply it to a fantasy race or even to a human population. They dynamics would change somewhat, but I think it would be cool to see. Go to Comment
Great job, axelrowes. The backstory is really good. And creepy.
My only suggestion would be to throw a brief description of everything at the end. Like maybe a little something about the bird-things, and a little something more about the Cult. Something that sets in stone your idea of the Cult. Maybe add the consequences of writing Truth without the sun. A little something you couldn't add during the actual writing of the story.