I am preparing to put another chapter into this and I think you are right on with every observation, but I am writing this for my game world, to make sure that I have the depth there if it comes up, if the players chose to explore it. I think it is very much like the Silmarillion, this is not the story, the players are the story. These things, cultural things are only props, for the players to kick around, embrace or rally against. What is important or interesting is what the players find important or interesting.
But I am glad you read it and thanks for the feedback. Go to Comment
I'm afraid the reason not to much commentary has been made is that is is a bit too long. A well detailed and complete description, but the narration does not really help it stand out or draw the reader.
I would look as this again and pare about 30% at least from it. There are also a fair number of typos.
Imagination and content is there! But keep in mind that while many people read the Lord of the Rings, few read the The_Silmarillion, a text your details called to mind.
So seriously, ditch the 1st person unless you can strengthen the narrative and bring it to life, and look at perhaps trimming the content to what is important and interesting about your world.
I've found from experience here overlong = overlooked. Go to Comment
Now this isn't my preferred game genre, but I can see it being put to good use. Mech units - really, most military units - have someone in the background to take care of things while they rise to their glory or death. It's a solid amount of information but not too much, suitable as a template for another game or even to take over most of it.
There are some minor typos and the formatting could be improved, as with any complicated list - but those are minor quibbles. (If you plan to build upon it, you should consider splitting it into a scroll.) I am tempted to add a bit more potential for conflict to the personalities, though I see it may be intentional to keep things run smoothly (also to be expected in an elite unit). In general though, it is a well-written aid few would want to write, but many would welcome to have. Go to Comment
It is hard to write "extras" that are engaging, especially when there is a group of them. While not my favorite setting, I understand this one. These are the "other company" that backs you up and fills out the situation, so you can go be dangerous/ heroic. It fills a valuable nitch.
Plus for being extras (a seldom used category) minus because the officers and notable figures did not engage me at all. Go to Comment
Hmm. Wouldn't fit into a Starship Troopers kind of game. After all, one of the primary rules of the Mobile Infantry that Heinlein made was that every man in a unit fights, regardless of other roles on the field. However, this is an incredibly thorough look at battlefield logistics that could fit into just about any other game. Bravo! Go to Comment
You could say the ship is under control while the caster supplies the magical power, or something to that effect. This does not say anything about concentration, or what happens when the power runs out - some ships would just fall apart, others will find their existence acceptable enough to endure.
(Oh, and by the way: if such a ship is for long enough without control, it might well learn something about independence... and turn against its creator.) Go to Comment
The Flavor text seem a bit disjointed and stilted to me.
Some mechanical questions...
How do you get sails or a water tight ship without skin? So bones won't just do it. Or there should be some limitation mentioned based on the "raw material" available.
Ranges in terms of timing and effect would of been nice. It is a bit vague, but the GM will have to adapt it to their spell system set anyways.
Maintaing the spell should require some kind of check for longer periods of time or saves vs distraction (yes, being at the mercy of your necromancer's attention span does suck). Mana point systems can form a secondary payout to maintain the spell. (Or you can burn a spell slot to maintain the spell).
You should include a section of the spell to base the size of the ship (which is probably determined by the caster) given the amount of raw material. Rough estimates of mass of bodies to mass of ship. Go to Comment
Very nice. The flavor text in the beginning is juicy, but leaves me unsatisfied. I would love to see more history on this spell and the person who created it. But it looks like a pretty solid necro-nautical (Yes, that is fun to type) creation. I will add it to the codex for you. In the future, it works best if you add the submission number when apostrophes are involved. Go to Comment
A rather gruesome ship. I imagine this being cast in small seas that are often fought in - the Bosporus or the like - and the spell dragging up dead of ancient wars from the sea bed.
My one quibble is with the timing of the ship's formation. I get an almost comical image when I picture hundreds of corpses scrambling together for, say, a Spanish galleon in about a minute. Maybe a time table based on ship size would be more accurate? But that's mostly system-side stuff, so I forgive it. Go to Comment