Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Ysra Fulsven Vineblud (Noblewoman of Parna)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Political)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-28 06:08 PM
A fully fleshed out character and I like the Personal Failing, Secret and Motivation sections. However, might like to do an once-over to check spelling etc. For example, the end of the first paragraph under Appearance of Impressions:
"Among the Ator women in social situations are expected to guide the conversation even if they don't offer much input....According to the Ator mores Ysra speaks when she should be quiet and is quiet when she should be speaking. If one were to watch with her interact with husband or close family privately, only then would they see her reveal any joy or pleasure in life."
The first sentence reads a little awkward. I'm not aware that "mores" is a word (2nd sentence but then if this is archaic form, then maybe it's okay). The first 'with' in the last sentence is a typo. Go to Comment
Ysra Fulsven Vineblud (Noblewoman of Parna)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Political)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-29 03:50 PM
I see, thanks for the enlightenment regarding the term mores. :) Go to Comment
The Commandments of Koret
Systems  (Societal/ Cultural)   (Specific)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-06 05:23 AM


I really like this religion, it's rigid and a bit stoic, perfect for the reserved warrior of the group, and has plenty of quotable commandments that fit will in nearly any situation. (Which can work perfectly for an NPC to use to annoy, amuse and otherwise add life to anything the group might be involved with.)



I can also see this being of use in space faring sci-fi settings as the rules governing an alien society, or a far flung human colony having stumbled upon the huge stone monoliths of commandments and having translated them, believe them to be the words of the creator, or at the very least a superior race and modeled their colony after the teachings.



(Small note on wording, the phrase "when her harvests fruit from a worthy plant he takes-" I think is supposed to be "when he harvests-")

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Cheka Man's comment on 2014-04-06 09:28 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-06 10:36 AM
thanks for the catch! Go to Comment
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-06 06:05 AM


Outwardly kind, yet secretly cruel and manipulative, she's perfect to add to any royal kingdom or visiting nobility to add a dash of danger and political malfeasance.



I could also see her working well as a romantic sub plot for an unlucky PC. (of course she's only using the hapless PC to her own ends, but until they realize that...)



The D&D/pathfinder write up for stats at the end I personally found handy, since it makes the character even easier to add into a game, or convert to a different rule set if desired.



Also I really loved the pic, it captures her grace and beauty nicely.



(minor grammar note the phrase "As cruel and hateful towards other people as she maybe, she-" I believe is supposed to be "may be-")

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My Taalkastin Boatman
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Scrasamax's comment on 2014-04-02 11:22 PM
The story, interwoven with the vartanadel expressions, and the salient points from the dating NPC outline made for a solid submission.

I was caught unprepared for Lyle being Lila, and while I knew the woman was going to die, I was impressed with the execution. As they say in the bayou, you can eat dat Go to Comment
My Taalkastin Boatman
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Dozus's comment on 2014-04-01 06:32 AM
Any bias of using my own setting aside, I absolutely loved this. The narrative had me riveted from the opening lines to the last, and even though the ending was alluded to in the intro, I was still surprised by it.

You give a better characterization for a brutal, animalistic humanoid than I could have hoped for, as well as built very nicely on the skeleton outline of Swynmoor errata I provided.

Very well done. Go to Comment
My Taalkastin Boatman
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Dozus's comment on 2014-10-06 10:00 AM
I'm bumping this because it's so great. Go to Comment
My Taalkastin Boatman
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-31 10:46 PM


*Reduction: The event described here as reduction is approximate translation from the Kaanarite language. If translated directly the elven term means either to shrink or to reduce, but contextually it refers to censure or punishment of certain families buy other families. The exact details of these punishments was not clear to the author at the time of this writing.

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My Taalkastin Boatman
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-01 05:41 PM
Very nice the narrative tone sets the scene nicely, and the over all presentation felt fresh and well laid out, definitely one of my new favorites! Go to Comment
My Taalkastin Boatman
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
Kassy's comment on 2014-04-02 11:03 AM
5.0/5 from moi aussi

As Sil mentioned, the presentation in this is neat. It makes for very pleasant reading. Well done :) Go to Comment
Scrasamax's comment on 2014-04-02 11:33 PM
An interesting character, and while he could be described as one dimensional, there are certainly people in real life who are one dimensional. I like the fact that Igor is a man of god out of fear, rather than any sort of real religious calling, and that many of his motivations, aside from divine fear, are based in real world materialism. Igor feels like a real person, with interests in caring for his family and his legacy, as well as having a level head about things like war.

This is a good character, and I could see using him not just in his given setting, but as a man of importance dealing with adventurers-upon-return, and doing the duties of the non-present King, such as making deal with mercenaries, settling disputes, endorsing or condemning actions such as hunting down people without any sort of oversight, or pardoning certain other people. Go to Comment
Scrasamax's comment on 2014-05-05 11:35 PM
It's beautiful, the integration is everything I would want, the strange, the mercenary, the malign, the corporate...

Thank you. Go to Comment
Dragonlordmax's comment on 2014-03-28 10:31 PM
I confess I have a hard time commenting on this one - this kind of sci-fi is not so much my thing. There's something to be said for a psychic martial artist war mech, though, I suppose. And it could make a good looming destruction sort of enemy, I think. You recommend not fighting it, but it seems a little odd to create such a menace and then not involve it in combat.

The locusts are pretty horrifying - enough so that I almost feel that they would be better off as their own submission, with perhaps a link between the two. Go to Comment
Murometz's comment on 2014-12-17 02:55 PM
Really cool character here! A ballet dancer...and then bam! The locusts are creepy good too! Enjoyed reading this. Go to Comment
Aramax's comment on 2014-12-16 07:47 AM
Very few Ideas here,I would use without modification. Id always change some little parts here or there.(Not counting the setting ,of course). This over looked master piece is PERFECT in that I would use it WITHOUT modifacation! Not to mention thr Griffon is one of the shapest looking Mechs. I have a quibble or two but I'm going to keep them to myself,in that I don't want you to change a single word. Go to Comment
The Nightmare Demons of Sorrow
Plots  (Mystical)   (Mini-Campaign)
Dragonlordmax's comment on 2014-03-14 04:43 PM
The idea of demons which torment people in their sleep is a somewhat familiar one, but these guys have a more philosophical bent to them which is interesting. The demons themselves are certainly interesting.

I do think I would be inclined to extend the exorcism a bit more than in your example. That is, rather than calling out the demon so explicitly, I might prefer to make that bit into more of a mystery/clue hunt kind of thing. Go to Comment
Parna's Cradle and the Golden Stamp
Locations  (Neighborhoods)   (Plains)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-27 08:49 AM
Good catch thanks: fIxed that sentence and broke up some of the paragraphs. Go to Comment
Parna's Cradle and the Golden Stamp
Locations  (Neighborhoods)   (Plains)
valadaar's comment on 2014-03-27 08:16 AM
A cool location though I think it could benefit from a little more going over.

Some of the paragraphs suffer from being a bit too large, and the same could be said for a few sentences.

Others are a bit odd - I can't quite follow this one:

"Pasha is atypical physical specimen an Ator."




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