Firstly, I have to admit that I read this a bit ad-hoc with breaks in between and I don't know whether this skewed my score. I like how this story ends and yet it seems a little abrupt for me. What I meant by this was that I got too carried away for the Viking/pirate feel of Akribus throughout the story and I wasn't quite prepared when he turned freedom fighter at the end for the sake of his son and all those lore of the Sun and Moon (I like lore usually but here there's something about all those lore that feels a little off to me for unknown reason although rationally I don't have argument with them since they are part of the lore for the sword) Go to Comment
This is neat. I had to read it all the way to grasp everything though. The exact mechanic she used to kill should have been presented when Kaiser bought it, rather then it being a 'reveal' further below.
Is this written up for a particular world setting? (if so which, I want to check into it!) If not I can see this working out well in Shadow Run with a bit of tweaking, or fantasy settings with even more changes.
Nicely done, and gives a great usage example of the Flirting Dress. Go to Comment
I have been told many times that the citadel is an Rpg site, not a fiction site. And that RPG fiction should end right before or right after something really awful or dramatic happens, that way the players can pick up where the author left off, so we continue this in a forum RPG, or write me another weird item and I will try an incorporate into another thread of this narrative. Go to Comment
A fully fleshed out character and I like the Personal Failing, Secret and Motivation sections. However, might like to do an once-over to check spelling etc. For example, the end of the first paragraph under Appearance of Impressions:
"Among the Ator women in social situations are expected to guide the conversation even if they don't offer much input....According to the Ator mores Ysra speaks when she should be quiet and is quiet when she should be speaking. If one were to watch with her interact with husband or close family privately, only then would they see her reveal any joy or pleasure in life."
The first sentence reads a little awkward. I'm not aware that "mores" is a word (2nd sentence but then if this is archaic form, then maybe it's okay). The first 'with' in the last sentence is a typo. Go to Comment