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A Dwarf on the Water
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Scrasamax's comment on 2012-10-08 09:11 AM
As long as this is, I want more. The perspective of the goddess was sometimes distracting, but at other times, sublime. I found both characters of Gorn and Kiijan interesting, and while the pace was slow, I think that is what made it dwarven. Well done. Go to Comment
A Dwarf on the Water
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Scrasamax's comment on 2012-10-28 01:37 PM
Have an HoH sir Go to Comment
A Dwarf on the Water
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Murometz's comment on 2012-10-09 04:15 PM
Ok, read it finally. Now have to go pass out from exhaustion :-) But not before saying, this is outstanding and I really enjoyed reading it. Some solid dwarvisms and an original voice! Go to Comment
A Dwarf on the Water
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Murometz's comment on 2012-10-09 08:07 PM
I may just end up picking out my favorite bits from this piece, randomly over the years, and say, "i like it".

Here is the first:

 "...they are insane because no dwarf on the water can think properly." Go to Comment
A Dwarf on the Water
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Murometz's comment on 2013-11-21 05:13 PM
Holy sweet Jesus! Go to Comment
A Dwarf on the Water
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-09 09:21 PM
This has both dwarven sea captains and pet rocks...just for you
Go to Comment
A Dwarf on the Water
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-11 07:48 PM
This exactly the kind of feed back you hope to get, when you post something on the Citadel you hope to get 5 readers in five years, maybe….so I am really honored and excited to have three people read this, and thanks for taking the time to suggest improvements.


The main focus of this story was to be an information dump about dwarves society without just listing facts, but by placing those facts in the context of personal interactions. It is esoteric piece of work, but I enjoyed writing. I also found that writing a story like this went much faster than writing "fact" posts.


The precocious Kiijanavyre character may have been out of my depth as a writer. I needed and wanted a character that was both a child and an adult, that possessed great talents and an intuitive intelligence, but at the same time lacked a great deal of self knowledge and certainty. The type of character/person that can be playful one minute and sophisticated the next because they lack a pretense or sense of self-awareness that would require them to maintain a persona. This is meant to be indirect contrast with the dwarves who very much keep a persona, and are very much worried about presentation. As she interacts with Gorn at the beach she becomes a little self-conscious, starts to pick her words, and eventually in a larger sense no longer pursues her sincere wants but takes a path of duty. I thought it would be banal to make these contrasts any more stark than I did, but I can certainly go in say these things. Yet I would love to know if you saw those things in the story, because what I wanted to put in the story is irrelevant until I put it in the story. I will try to go through say these things more explicitly.

I could make her older if that makes more palatable, I pretty much pulled 15 out of a hat, cause that is likely an adult in a stone age society. If make her 19, will she still seem as vulnerable, will her uncertainty regarding a course of action be understandable? The language thing is cultural, and I only meant her to speak two language fluently, clearly defining the events as they happen in different languages has always been a problem with this setting.

I will add a few lines to the first section to really emphasize her wunderkin status. That also might make the goddess's preoccupation with her specifically more understandable. But I do feel that wunderkin characters are basically annoying and I was trying to strike a balance. The characterization of Kiijanavyre may also be stunted by the lack other interactions with other characters. We can't know if she is a typical 15 year old girls if she never talks to any other humans, we also don't get much a sense for her in her element. Tell me what you think about the addition of scene, in the forest in which
1) she either talks with the druid some about what is coming and what she can expect

2) In beginning when she show the dwarves around, her lecturing Gorn might make a nice arc.

3) Her talking with the Mitirangu priest who gave her bread.

Okay the chronology, I like starting and ending with Kiijanavyre getting in the boat. But you nailed the other jumps directly, I wanted to keep the beach from being an information dump. But I also want to distinguish Gorn on the road from Gorn at the beach, the contrast in behaviors was deliberate, but maybe I am trying to do too much. I wrote this in a linear fashion and then cut it up when posting. So there are not even designed transitions between the scenes.
Go to Comment
A Dwarf on the Water
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-28 12:13 PM
Update: reworked the chronology some, the beach events are now in order. I also added more details regarding Kiijanavyre's inner dialog and another Kiijanavyre conversation in order to try address some of Dossta's comments. Go to Comment
A Dwarf on the Water
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Dossta's comment on 2012-10-11 01:47 PM
First let me lead off my saying that there is a LOT of really solid information in this piece. The society that you describe is well-ordered, consistent, flavorful and vibrant. I love the distinction between the different classes of dwarf -- clan- (noble, warrior or mountain), guild- and free-dwarves all have their own quirks and customs. The little things you used to draw those lines, like the beard dying or the ability to carry weapons, really tied the whole thing together. In whole, the culture is beautifully realized.

Some of my favorite parts: everything about eating; the inclusion of rocks in dwarven food to wear down their teeth, the fact that dwarves only need to eat once a day and that they prefer to take their meals alone. The beard dying (both natural and false colors). I was also fascinated with Droven's Compulsion -- that one detail was enough to fill an entire submission on its own!

You obviously spent a lot of time on this piece, and I really respect it. However, there are still some rough patches which keep its full potential from being realized. If you want this to stand as a story and not a purely informative work, they may need to be addressed.

The two biggest issues I had were the ordering of events and Kiijanavyre's character. You skip around in the timeline a LOT, and it got very confusing even with the headers. I would either rework it so that it stays chronological, and have some of the questions be asked on the wagon rather than on the beach to avoid the huge info-dump at the end -OR- I would find some way of better marking those passages. The beach scenes aren't really flashbacks (more like "future"backs? what the hell do you call them?), but there's a reason why flashbacks and scenes that break up the main timeline are used sparingly in literature. They are just too damn jarring most of the time.

Second, Kiijanavyre. A 15-year-old girl who can speak 3 languages and some dwarven on the side, can debate philosophy and has the confidence and poise to negotiate safe passage out of an ambush with a culture that she is only passingly familiar with. You keep trying to emphasize her girlish or naive nature, but then make her speak like a university graduate in her conversations with Gorn on the beach. Gorn has similar problems (in that he didn't speak much on the journey and was supposed to be pretty stingy with his words, but then waxes philosophical and disgorges whole paragraphs of dialogue at once), but he's not quite as bad. I don't care if she speaks formally or not, just make it consistent from the beginning of the story and try to explain it a little with her background. Perhaps she was so sheltered by her parents and her goddess that she never interacted with other children, and thus has a highly formal way of speaking?

Anyway, I'll shut up now before this gets too long. Thank you for writing this; I really enjoyed it. Go to Comment
The Bank
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Cyberspace)
Strolen's comment on 2012-10-09 12:41 PM
I very much like this idea. There is a lot to expand on that I would love to see but overall I am content to accept it as is. Go to Comment
The Bank
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Cyberspace)
Scrasamax's comment on 2012-10-02 08:17 AM
I would like to know more about the Bank, and would like to have the fluff text separated out. Go to Comment
The Bank
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Cyberspace)
Mourngrymn's comment on 2012-10-02 06:14 AM
Kind of difficult to read, which I assume was on purpose. The idea, or at least what I think of the idea, is a sound one and decently realistic to be morbid and a tad scary.

A few plot hooks and a short list of what the banks use your information for would be great. I realize putting those in are outside the transmission part of the sub but put it in for us knowledge freaks. Otherwise I like it. Go to Comment
The Bank
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Cyberspace)
Dozus's comment on 2012-11-06 07:33 AM
It's an interesting article. I would like it to be a little more clarified so I have a better understanding of what I'm looking at, rather than draw my own conclusions and risk misunderstanding you. I like the realism of the thing, though; I'm not convinced this bank doesn't already exist. Go to Comment
The Bank
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Cyberspace)
Murometz's comment on 2012-10-02 10:26 AM
Interesting. So you're poking fun at those Nigerian Bank emails we all get? I'll have you know, that no less than a "prince" from Lagos, has offered me $16,000,000 euros if I simply first "lend him" $500 for bank transfer fees. You see, he is a political prisoner, and.... Go to Comment
The Bank
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Cyberspace)
valadaar's comment on 2013-05-26 08:55 PM
I like this. It gives me a certain thriller feel, like the mysterious societies in the Bourne series. Go to Comment
Beardspiders
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Any)
Strolen's comment on 2012-09-26 12:43 PM

Can't stop myself!! Leave me alone on my web tangent. I was hoping they were going to be the spiders that braided the beard. There is so much opportunity there. Lots of dwarves braid their beard. Having these spiders make "webs" out of their beard could be such and awesome thing to use!



      Beard braid/web contests.

      Stature could be based on the intricacies of the beard.

      Certain patterns could even determine their rank, job or position in the church.

      Dwarves with the best patter could sell their Beard Spiders for a high premium. However, each one sold would change the overall braid/web.

      Malicious spiders (or a bad batch) could cause all kinds of mayhem. Tie knots, tie beard to bed posts at night. Grapple onto any grass or strings or anything that gets into the beard and just be a general pain in the ass.

      Spilled ale into the beard would intoxicate the spiders. Some would improve, some would cause mayhem. Either way, they would have issues with the ale somehow.

      Embarrassing is the dwarf who can't control his beard spiders and they go up into his hair.

      Even worse is when his Dwarven lover has the same braids in her beard

      Maybe that isn't bad, maybe that is a sign of relationship, the same web/braids

      Hey, that Elf has the same Braids as Dunder the ThunderHammer. What in Hurl's Hammer!?

      Hey, that sheep has the same...

      Ok, enough, getting weird.
Go to Comment
Beardspiders
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Any)
Strolen's comment on 2012-09-26 12:47 PM
Can't stop myself!!

Leave me alone on my web tangent. I was hoping they were going to be the spiders that braided the beard. There is so much opportunity there. Lots of dwarves braid their beard. Having these spiders make "webs" out of their beard could be such and awesome thing to use!

  1. Beard braid/web contests.
  2. Stature could be based on the intricacies of the beard.
  3. Certain patterns could even determine their rank, job or position in the church.
  4. Dwarves with the best patter could sell their Beard Spiders for a high premium. However, each one sold would change the overall braid/web.
  5. Malicious spiders (or a bad batch) could cause all kinds of mayhem. Tie knots, tie beard to bed posts at night. Grapple onto any grass or strings or anything that gets into the beard and just be a general pain in the ass.
  6. Spilled ale into the beard would intoxicate the spiders. Some would improve, some would cause mayhem. Either way, they would have issues with the ale somehow.
  7. Embarrassing is the dwarf who can't control his beard spiders and they go up into his hair.
  8. Even worse is when his Dwarven lover has the same braids in her beard
  9. Maybe that isn't bad, maybe that is a sign of relationship, the same web/braids
  10. Hey, that Elf has the same Braids as Dunder the ThunderHammer. What in Hurl's Hammer!?
  11. Hey, that sheep has the same...
    1. Ok, enough, getting weird. Go to Comment
Beardspiders
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Any)
Strolen's comment on 2012-10-18 12:31 PM
Didn't realize I didn't vote. Extra points for any sub that gives my own creative juices a work out. Go to Comment
Beardspiders
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Any)
Cheka Man's comment on 2012-10-24 08:35 PM
A very orginal thing from you. Go to Comment
Beardspiders
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Any)
Cheka Man's comment on 2012-10-24 08:36 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
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