I think it might have scrambled my brain and I feel like my memory was sacrificed by the end. :)
I agree with caesar, I would very much prefer a wrap-up to pull these threads together so I understand what you think I should understand. Maybe put a separator to show what is written post challenge if you don't want to tweak the main submission to keep it pure.
One part that did confuse me. He writes the storm because it will return whereas the murder will not. Which infers that they use the historical "truths" to help with the future? But then the "I have no child" would go counter to previously written "truths" of her having a daughter so I am not sure how that balances. Seems to me that the cultists, once their "truths" are filed would mean nothing to them since they are in the moment so the use of the storm wouldn't be useful at all, they are just recorders. And wouldn't other recorders want to document the loss of a child as their interest? How many are there? Just caught me as confusing. Crayons, I like some things written in small words and crayons.
Also, as val mentioned, it is more of a fiction piece as it doesn't really give us anything to use as a society, while it definitely entertains. Go to Comment
I don't think it needs the nitty-gritty, just a little more to make it cohesive and self-sustaining. Right now it leaves more questions than it answers. I would prefer a single, well-defined unanswered question about the heredity cycle or how they became civilized vs. trying to figure out all the rest as well.
I do like it, it is just complex in its current state. Go to Comment
Thanks for the comments guys, you brought up a lot possiblities I hadn't thought of. I wrote this in 30 minutes as dictated by scars's writing challenge, (full disclosure...somebody proof read it, though not very well and I added the title and summary after 30 minutes). Looking over it know the thought process is pretty evident, the first character is writing but has run out of time. I added a bunch details to stall while I came up with a "plot" The next character is getting impatient and the story ends without a resolution. So I really don't have answers to your questions, the bird men were born in the first paragraph. I could make some up, but should I? If the literal message of the story is about perspective, and personal versus societal truth..should I add a nitty-gritty?
Anyway I can add stuff to the idea section. Thanks again for the notes! Go to Comment
Another highly atmospheric, thought-provoking piece, axle. I definitely agree with caesar here -- adding a small blurb to the end, even as a quote box, to give us more of the nitty-gritty would be very welcome. At the end, I was left wondering if the Truth Cult had actually managed to scramble Emanuel's brain, or if that was just a side effect of being tired.
Either way, I love these bird-people, and love the premise. I don't use SciFi settings nearly often enough, but I might take the idea for the cult whole-cloth and try to apply it to a fantasy race or even to a human population. They dynamics would change somewhat, but I think it would be cool to see. Go to Comment
Great job, axelrowes. The backstory is really good. And creepy.
My only suggestion would be to throw a brief description of everything at the end. Like maybe a little something about the bird-things, and a little something more about the Cult. Something that sets in stone your idea of the Cult. Maybe add the consequences of writing Truth without the sun. A little something you couldn't add during the actual writing of the story.
I'm starting to find that carefully going through with the HTML editor can do a lot more than the WYSIWYG editor- because the later will often butcher things as you get further along and render incorrectly once all is said and done. Go to Comment
I see why you never submitted this. It is a mess and likely useless. If you were to write up the cultures or even the food maybe that would be useful but one large write up of an entire culture from their history to what they like to have for dinner is useless I think. I think most everyone will agree that roleplayers just need a handful details they can hold onto about a culture.
Drinks a clear liquor with most meals
Wears fur hats.
Pale and fair haired with high cheek bones.
Fatalistic, stoic and cynical.
Preferred weapon is the war hammer.
There you go, you have Russians.
Maybe, if you ever get around to it, you should break this up.
I am surprised at your view that this is more literary than game orientated. I made an effort to write it as a gaming resource and not as a part of some piece of fiction. What is more surprising is that you are the reason I tried to make this a gaming resource. In your discussion of Cheka's hardcore porn novel you wrote
"Citadel is a website billed as a resource for the game masters, and occasionally players, of role playing games. This ideal is enforced both by the submission categories (Lifeforms, Items, NPCs, etc) and by the overwhelming number of forum posts. My main objection to this piece is that it does NOT serve in this capacity."
I chose this style in particular because of your comment. I wrote this up the way I would write up NPC notes back when I GMed. In my experience PCs don't care to hear about the past exploits of NPCs and as a GM what I really needed was a clear idea of how my NPCs are going to respond to having their pocket's picked, torture, jokes and so forth. I always thought the game was very wet cement and I hated when I would have NPC act of character or saw a better way to handle the situation once I left the table. Shadowrun was the toughest cities with 100 of millions of people, open ended mystery or heist plots and not telling who the PCs are going to talk with. But perhaps I am wrong, this may be more information than most would put in the game. As for the fire mace, that was a late addition, and really was extraneous. I felt a sell out for including a description of his equipment.
I am going to try and link this guy to plot or other NPCs.