I have read Max Brooks World War Z. It feels like you are filling in the gaps, which is cool. In my opinion you might as well go ahead and say Yonkers when talking about the battles of NY. The interview/storyteller style works for me. My suggestion is that since this is a locations submission i would try to focus more on the actual location. The subject keep drifting off track. What does this place look like now, food, infra-structure etc? Provide for us a feeling of how it is to actually live there. Go to Comment
Sort a like Sparta, mixed with Nazi Germany, mixed with the old Soviet Union, mixed with... I dunno, some place with pretty bad soldiers. Unlike Sparta and Hitler's Wermacht, the average DRP soldier -be he a tank pilot, infantryman, or airman (occassionally sailors, though their navy isn't very large)- is very poorly trained and equipped, but is mainly kept in line through an almost-religious fervour, a diehard belief in the theory of Greek mastery, and fear of the DRP's Special Forces infantry. These are the exception that proves the rule- the diamond in a dunghill, if you will. These guys are like the SS on steroids: equipped with futuristic assault rifles, battlesuits, access to all elements of DRP society, and an unswerving, fanatical belief in their superiority. These soldiers are trained from childhood to act this way, much like Medieval knights, and are renowned for their willingness to commit any act, no matter how atrocious- even against their fellow DRP soldiers. Go to Comment
This is quite succintly written and I like the sardonic, wry sense of humour that pervades the story. But is there some hidden reason as to why Thorne's spells keep causing damage that he has no intention of inflicting? Surely a competant mage like him would able to prevent such disasters. Go to Comment
Hunted by the agents of my homeland (for the flaming dog incident), Callomaine (for never completing my tuelage there), and Al-Sahri (I just told you that, and I'm not repeating it), I didn't know where to go. It was then that I heard of the Fringe Lands, and decided that living there would be a much better alternative to getting my bollocks chopped off on Kalos.
Character is ok, but I like how you write :) Funny stuff! Being that I just got around to reading Discworld, it seems to be in a similar vein. Welcome to the Citadel.
Okay, keeping with the Silly theme, the description in first person is cool. I like the style!
His items seem a bit powerful - the sash especially since it is worded to sound like it makes him invulnerable -"First, it helps take pressure away from or completely stop any attack" - if it can stop any attack, why would it reduce the pressure? Seems an odd turn of phrase. Slowing down incoming strikes, absorbing damage, etc, seem a more direct way to state that. Apart from its dramatic color - and resulting in him being more recognizable, does it have other drawbacks? Go to Comment
I'd agree with any edged weapon for sure, but pressure is still not the word I would use. Technically accurate, but it still sounds odd.
As for the side effect, unless the sash is somehow modifying the amount of kinetic energy (is it? if so, how about blunt weapons that have no real high-pressure point), the impact should be not able to toss people around. If I hit you with a hammer hard enough to send you flying, the impact would break my arm. I can stove in your skull or ribcage, but not send you flying.
And does the sash only protect what it covers, or the whole body? Go to Comment