I know how hard it is to edit a piece based on your own ideas. The words on the page on the words in you head keep overlapping. Second, I think GM often write things with style better suited to the spoken word in which tone, rhythm and context can make a huge difference. It is a trap I often fall in.
Nice idea, the Orc as Native American's and all, but it is just awfully written. I have posted a marked up version in the "in work" section. Go to Comment
I had this in Advice Requested for Months and received nothing. So, I put it here. Thank you for the advice. I'm looking forward to the mark-up from the comment below, but I will take one last stab with it this week. Go to Comment
Looks promising, but there are a number of grammatical errors and run-on sentences that make it rather difficult to read and understand. Sounds like you've done a lot of work and revising on this already, but could you give it one more go-over and clean up the grammar a bit? I'd hate to see the grammar flaws detract from an otherwise promising submission. Go to Comment
You lost your quotation marks and apostrophes in the transfer from Word to Strolens. Strolen gave some information about how to avoid that in this forum thread: http://www.strolen.com/guild/index.php/topic,4059.0.html
She's a colorful character, and deserves the chance to shine. I recommend that you shorten the title a bit and rewrite the initial blurb (It's written in passive tense, something you'll want to elminate.)
Your writing is vivid, but you'll want to carefully review your text, returning lost apostrophes, correcting minor errors, and eliminating passive tense. Go to Comment
With each revision, Kullryke becomes clearer: Your next challenge is to bring all the tenses into line and put quotation marks around each of her quotes in the text.
The opening summary begins with several metaphors: These images paint a vivid picture, but I'd abbreviate it since you repeat the text within the main body of the piece. Alternatively, you might mark the opening as Gunther Weldenson's quote and remove the quote from the main body of the text.
Kullryke's special equipment and ablities are well-described. I'd also appreciate additional detail about her motivations and the suggested plot hooks.
Her background is... too much. While it has a great amount of interesting detail and says a lot about her character, you're basically asking the reader to absorb several of her adventures. I'd strip that down to a quarter its present size, saving the information to write separate tales of her early adventures. You have the imagination to do it, you just need practice polishing your writing.
A few errors eluded your previous review. After you revise the tenses, you should have someone else read the text, marking anything they find confusing. It's always harder to see one's own errors than it is to see other people's.
This piece will be impressive when it's fully polished! Go to Comment
Apostrophe correction got it licked now. Hmm tense my seductive enemy. Title and Blurb will be reworked as I Add to the History, and include RP notes equipment, and any author notes. Updates to follow soon. Go to Comment
King Addas loves charades, and has a troupe of mimes in his harem. To ensure that they can never cheat he has had their tongues cut out, which is why they always look so miserable and never open their mouths (the stump of a tongue is not a pleasant sight).