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The Orcs of Kyle Drannor - The Tribal Nation
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-03-27 01:53 PM
First,
I know how hard it is to edit a piece based on your own ideas. The words on the page on the words in you head keep overlapping. Second, I think GM often write things with style better suited to the spoken word in which tone, rhythm and context can make a huge difference. It is a trap I often fall in.

Second,
Nice idea, the Orc as Native American's and all, but it is just awfully written. I have posted a marked up version in the "in work" section. Go to Comment
The Orcs of Kyle Drannor - The Tribal Nation
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-04-07 12:25 PM
Here ya go,

and feel free and encouraged to give of my old posts a good edit.


http://www.strolen.com/content.php?node=5725 Go to Comment
The Orcs of Kyle Drannor - The Tribal Nation
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
valadaar's comment on 2013-04-05 11:09 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Orcs of Kyle Drannor - The Tribal Nation
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
Thewizard63's comment on 2008-11-19 03:42 PM
I was inspired by the "Give me your Orcs" Quest. Unfortunately life interceded in a timely submission.

P.E.A.C.H. Go to Comment
The Orcs of Kyle Drannor - The Tribal Nation
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
Thewizard63's comment on 2008-12-01 12:18 PM
Updated: Added Material-Leader of Nation Description, Goals, and Plot devices
As always, Please Edit And Critique Honestly. Go to Comment
The Orcs of Kyle Drannor - The Tribal Nation
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
Thewizard63's comment on 2009-03-27 09:01 AM
Updated: Ready enough for voting. Go to Comment
The Orcs of Kyle Drannor - The Tribal Nation
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
Thewizard63's comment on 2009-04-07 11:22 AM
I had this in Advice Requested for Months and received nothing. So, I put it here. Thank you for the advice. I'm looking forward to the mark-up from the comment below, but I will take one last stab with it this week. Go to Comment
The Orcs of Kyle Drannor - The Tribal Nation
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
Kassy's comment on 2013-06-03 05:06 AM
2.5/5

Why does this have isuchi/ a low vote? Go to Comment
The Orcs of Kyle Drannor - The Tribal Nation
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
slartibartfast's comment on 2009-03-27 01:33 PM
Looks promising, but there are a number of grammatical errors and run-on sentences that make it rather difficult to read and understand. Sounds like you've done a lot of work and revising on this already, but could you give it one more go-over and clean up the grammar a bit? I'd hate to see the grammar flaws detract from an otherwise promising submission. Go to Comment
Murometz's comment on 2008-12-03 09:58 PM
I will admit that the title is spooking me a bit. I will get to this soon though. :) Go to Comment
Murometz's comment on 2008-12-13 05:40 PM
Let us know when its ready! Always good to see a work improved.

minor suggestion: Keep the title, take out the translation in paranthesis, since you have it immediately underneath the tagline already. Go to Comment
Murometz's comment on 2008-12-17 09:47 AM
Getting better and better! Go to Comment
valadaar's comment on 2009-02-13 10:45 AM
Will try and comment tonight. Lunchtime too short to finish this one... Go to Comment
valadaar's comment on 2009-02-15 05:50 PM
Quite good! One typo stuck for me though - "a slew dragon". Slain is the correct tense to use there.

Lots of interesting bits and pieces. Go to Comment
Wulfhere's comment on 2008-12-04 12:30 PM
You lost your quotation marks and apostrophes in the transfer from Word to Strolens. Strolen gave some information about how to avoid that in this forum thread: http://www.strolen.com/guild/index.php/topic,4059.0.html

She's a colorful character, and deserves the chance to shine. I recommend that you shorten the title a bit and rewrite the initial blurb (It's written in passive tense, something you'll want to elminate.)

Your writing is vivid, but you'll want to carefully review your text, returning lost apostrophes, correcting minor errors, and eliminating passive tense. Go to Comment
Wulfhere's comment on 2009-01-01 11:50 AM
With each revision, Kullryke becomes clearer: Your next challenge is to bring all the tenses into line and put quotation marks around each of her quotes in the text.

The opening summary begins with several metaphors: These images paint a vivid picture, but I'd abbreviate it since you repeat the text within the main body of the piece. Alternatively, you might mark the opening as Gunther Weldenson's quote and remove the quote from the main body of the text.

Kullryke's special equipment and ablities are well-described. I'd also appreciate additional detail about her motivations and the suggested plot hooks.

Her background is... too much. While it has a great amount of interesting detail and says a lot about her character, you're basically asking the reader to absorb several of her adventures. I'd strip that down to a quarter its present size, saving the information to write separate tales of her early adventures. You have the imagination to do it, you just need practice polishing your writing.

A few errors eluded your previous review. After you revise the tenses, you should have someone else read the text, marking anything they find confusing. It's always harder to see one's own errors than it is to see other people's.

This piece will be impressive when it's fully polished! Go to Comment
Thewizard63's comment on 2008-12-01 02:24 PM
Please Edit And Comment Honestly Go to Comment
Thewizard63's comment on 2008-12-04 11:06 AM
Does this mean some feedback? Very Welcome. Are you referring to the title being too long? Go to Comment
Thewizard63's comment on 2008-12-04 03:55 PM
Thank you.
Apostrophe correction got it licked now. Hmm tense my seductive enemy. Title and Blurb will be reworked as I Add to the History, and include RP notes equipment, and any author notes. Updates to follow soon. Go to Comment
Thewizard63's comment on 2008-12-16 06:34 PM
Updated: I have updated this. I have attempted to take comments into account. I wish to only expound upon the history. Go to Comment
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