I like the humor in this item and it strikes me as a reasonably effective item. A little to close to D&D with the reference to what happens when brought into other extradimensional places. Perhaps just leaving out what usually happens and state only what happens with this item.
I think I'd stuff these compartments with a bunch of poisoned needles. Then you shake the targets hand and fire.... Go to Comment
An interesting fellow, I was reminded for a second of Pratchett's War, who is actually a female (precisely the kind men love to kill each other for :) ).
I like the take on him, as the newest, (possibly) most powerful deity. Of course, many priesthoods would like to paint their god that way. And those fluff pieces seem to me disjointed and kind of fun... which I guess is only fitting. Go to Comment
I like the dead pan off kilter presentation, the fluff text is funny in places. I dont know about Lokatt being a supreme force in the universe, I would personally ratchet him down a few notches, keeping his powers and whatnot, but making him a sort of loose cannon god. The others tolerate him because he doesnt step on their toes, and he is too hard to catch to deal with. All in all, solid 3. Go to Comment
Now, those old +1 weapons are a strong cliche, but a cliche that tends to be necessary... and if so, it is better they have at least some background. This one has a background, and a tendency to attract plot hooks, which is all to the good ("What do you mean the king's guard is now looking for me?").
We always want to know more, but this is a good beginning. It can be fleshed out easily. Go to Comment
I do not find the +1 modifier to be that distracting. In general, most table top gamers, can translate that tiny mod into their own system of choice in their sleep. (The +3 for the warden's weapon, that might of been better explained than numbered.)
I did not find the "assasination attempt" motivation for a motivation to need any explanation. The assassin came in, the guard's weapons either broke or were ineffective in the environs of the castle (like if the guards were all using traditional great swords or pikes, which were effective in the battle field or protecting the outside of the building, but really not very useful inside the building. History is filled with these kinds of mistakes.
The Falcon explanation would be nice. And a better set of phrases revolving around the best weaponsmith of the land (at the time) would be nice.
Most things that are Magical have a Curse upon them. This pair of swords can send lightning strikes out toward the enemy that could be miles away, which makes this pair of swords strong, yet no curse. I personally don't believe that something should have such strength yet have no draw backs Go to Comment
Hrm. It's probably best to try and steer away from rules/system based properties (such as a +1 weapon); I find it best to write it as you would read it in a book. For example, if you write something along the lines of "The sword was of exceptional craftmanship, and the point and edge far superior to that of a normal rapier." The DMs will understand that this is not supposed to be an average rapier, and they shall appoint appropriate bonuses to it when they use it in their campaign.
I'd like to see the scenario of the assassination attempt that promted the need for the Danamax Rapier expanded on. While this weapon has a backstory about it, it's only a +1 sword, so the only way to make it more interesting to us is to have a very in-depth history to it.
Here are some questions which may be worth expanding on:
- Why were the old weapons inferior? Did they break in combat during the assassination? Were they slow and cumbersome? Were the assassins perhaps part of the royal guard, and the reason all swords look different is to identify the owner?
- Why the falcon? Is it the royal symbol of Danamax? Was the king inspired by a falcon in flight, to make these swords? Perhaps the weaponsmith was an eccentric and wouldn't make the sword unless it was made in homage to his favourite animal!
- What was involved in finding the "best weaponsmith in the land"? Did he stroll across the main marketplace and browse the shops? What if it involved an epic quest to find a small ramshackle in the middle of a forest where a dottering old bespectacled man was hammering away on the most exquisite weapons the king had seen!
I like how you would get eyebrows raised if you wandered around in public with this, as a nobody.
And I like the history to it; i'd just love to hear more about it to make this weapon more catchy to me than just a 'mere +1 rapier'. Go to Comment
Because of something Strolen wrote, i dreamed of rapiers with points that end in elaborate (yet still practical for killing) keys last night, wielded by Italian renaissance-type duelists and city guardsmen.
Anyway, I really like these, including the name!
As Moon said, a great addition to the "interesting weapons--non-magic" scroll. Go to Comment
I agree with what Shadoweagle said. The ruleset/setting specifics should probably be changed, and, though I like the background, it is a bit sparse. Pretty much everything else was fine, no spelling or grammatical errors. Except for the first line.
"Also known as Falcon Rapiers, Danamax Rapiers are more elongated than normal rapiers, about two or three inches longer than a normal Rapier."
This would be better written to me as:
"Also known as Falcon Rapiers, Danamax Rapiers are more elongated than normal rapiers, by about two or three inches"
This rids the sentence of the redundant second saying of "normal rapiers".
Anyway, you've turned out another good sub, Infested-jerk.
(although it's a little disconcerting to keep calling someone a jerk, at least someone who didn't deserve it). Go to Comment
The update is better. It is oddly hard to read in stops, as the text gets dense or awkward (alternatedly).
The Blood Beast section needs more information for me. Amended. I put in the Strolen's links to your in works Blood Beast submission. My question is how did this bow generate the magical blood beast transformation? Since The Blood Beast and its descendents exist, how did they "get into the bow" or how did this Corran bind one/ duplicate the magic.
The Blood tied bow is interesting in general though. It could use a bit more description for me and a bit more tie in to a world (a way to work it into a world). Go to Comment
The Bloody Bow's background is somewhat generic (a god give the item to a powerful guy then it gets lost to time), the powers are a little like most things you would find in any RPG, your basic vampiric bow. But the added powers, such as the transformation to a Blood Beast, make it more than cliche. Your use of what appear to be fairly system specific rulings (as far as I can tell, it's D&D) is a little unhelpful, as it is best to leave the specifics to be determined by the various DM's. I have a question though, you refer to the Blood Beast, is that someething that might be found in the wild? If it is, will you be submitting it soon? Nicely written sub. Go to Comment