The foot-notes are a riot! I enjoyed this immensely. Clever, creative, detailed. I missed most of the formatting issues and updates you seemed to be having, but it sure it sure looks good now! The mystery of the liquid is a nice touch as well. A humorously classic duo, Corran and Bethany.
This one started out really well, we have another amusing story of Beth and Corran, and we have the imagery of Corran with a Doc Brown style colander on his head. But the end result of the item is one that is dull, inaccessible and unnecessarily limited. I was surprised you end with this
“However, the Scribe does not work for other users. Believed to be a problem with the collector assembly and its compatibility with Corran's thoughts specifically, all attempts to modify the Scribe to accommodate another user have failed.”
How about giving the hand a little personality, a little bit of that puckish mischievousness that often seems to grow out of Corran’s quiet and domestic ambitions. You could give the hand some of Bethany’s traits so that it will change the wording to fit her sensibilities. Perhaps Bethany is more polite than Corran.
“I am not writing the phrase ‘demonic crap box’, how about ‘an item from my privy’.”
Or perhaps Bethany has a little more attitude then Corran.
“I am not addressing Veracit as ‘his Grace’ I don’t care how many Dukedom’s he is granted. I shall instead write ‘Mr. Veracit who stayed at our home for 6-months without offer of rent or compensation’.”
I know I could change it if I use it and I will, but I would let my players have a go with this. It be could useful for a mage so that they can be sure to take notes while working on spells. I would also give the hand a bit of personality.
Wow, the first time i read this I thought you had some formating issue, then I thought you just edited this badly, and I was preparing long detailed a critique about how some paragraphs didn't make sense. I was even going to mention how your footnotes weren't working as superscripts. Then I realized that the damn scribe ruled me again.
Damn clever sir, it is amazing how you turned this around with out much effort, it made me realize what a great core you had to this idea.
The Positive: I like this! It's a solid, interesting idea with a lot of detail. I can see how it fits into and illuminates your world.
The Negative: The text is a bit verbose. If you're bringing your reader along on a lengthy ride, you should give more of a payoff along the way: Some sort of a twist or surprise would really add to the piece.
The Constructive: What amazing benefits might arise from Corran's Scribe? What awkward revelations might the scribe bring forth? Whose sinister designs might require just such an object? What tales might it best fit into?
NPCs (Major) (Religious)
IN GAME STATS! How brazen, how shamelss, my hands are shaking I felt so dirty reading this. (And GURPS too, you are such a rebel) Everyone else has been posting softcore, just beneath the sheets we can see the outlines of movement bonuses, esoteric and specific in game benifets such as "iron stomach" and stat details such as low willpower but high dexterity. WARNING INFESTED-JERK JUST BROUGHT US A FULL FRONTAL RPG CHARACTER!
Overall:
I agree with CM a decent cult leader, if it were my idea I would like to hear about his childhood or time prior to to his demon-joined cult leader and a little more about his inter personal style but the theme of his behavior comes through. And the disadvantages tell us a lot about the mechanics of dealing with him.
How do you want the player characters to feel about him?
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