Well, the background is long, jaw-crackingly boring, fairly cliche...
I assume that this is a somewhat Medieval setting (It is implied in the backstory), and yet it says that this character carries "kitana swords" (should be katana, by the way) and has psychic powers. Maybe it is just me, but katanas and psychic powers seem like incongruous details in such a setting. I didn't take off points for that, because it is only my personal opinion, though.
It is too long and Capn makes the main points above. I think that the summary is waaaay to long. I doubt there will be any changes made to this sub since it was submitted 4 years ago, and Skylark hasnt returned to the citadel in 3 years. Go to Comment
I agree, the biggest thing lacking is the why. There are infinite reasons why it could be happening but with this you have to tell us your angle on it. This would probably be a great thread for the Flesh it Out forum where you would probably get some pretty different ideas on why. Go to Comment
This could have potential but at the moment I think it's fairly dire. You need to flesh out a lot of things: firstly, what is there about Serenity Cove which makes it different from any other coastal town? In short, why do we care about it. Secondly, you need to tell us about this wickedness and what is causing: make it real, make it interesting. Admittedly, the players might not need to know any more than you've written, but we do.
Also, there are a few things that don't mesh. Firstly, if there is a thriving port, 570 people seems quite small (my village is 4 times that size (admittedly a different era). Especially if a lot of them are also farmers, artisans and miners. Also, 570 people is a bit small for large scale crime waves: if 20-30 people are killed (which seems to be the minimum the way I read it), that is 5% of the population!
The tone is a bit irregular, the first paragraph shifting from academic to informal, then entirely colloquial in the second paragraph. I like the colloquial bit, actually, but I wonder if it would be better served set off as a quote. That could just be my personal tastes, though.
A lot more could be said to illustrate the prosperity the town once had. I'm fine with the mystery of its sudden downturn, but it would be nice to have more explained on either side of the decline just to demonstrate it more. Go to Comment
To Dougles Nye money is power, a powerful wizard only newly into lich-hood
Originally the son of servants to a noble family, yet he found that life humiliating. "How could anyone stand to serve another?" he often wondered. His father, was a greedy man who offered an explanation one day “It’s all for the coin, every demanding, humiliating thing. It’s for the coin, boy."
So when Dougles began developing the potential for magic, he found a way out of a life of servitude. Learning magic though stolen books, he made his escape. Taking the all the possessions of the lord’s vaults with him. He set out to gain as much money as possible.
His gifts for magic allowed him many advantages other merchants could only dream of. Capitalized on the use of deviation magic, allowing him to always having what the city he is in needs most, whether that is wheat or weapons, poison or drug doesn’t matter to him.
Some would say he follows war, disease, famine, and political strife like a vulture looking for a nice carcass to claim. What they don’t know is he has a hand in the conflict he supposedly follows. Assassinating ruler to incite wars, casting spells that decimating crops, acting as an information broker to both sides in a conflict. Dougles is known as a man who can get what you need to some, to other a monster who capitalizes on the suffering of others.
The lich know as Dougles Nye, prefers the title ”The Merchant of Death” for that shows just how much power money has earned him.