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Astria Rayne
NPCs  (Minor)   (Domestic/ Craft)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2004-08-10 11:55 PM
Hmmm...
Well, the background is long, jaw-crackingly boring, fairly cliche...
I assume that this is a somewhat Medieval setting (It is implied in the backstory), and yet it says that this character carries "kitana swords" (should be katana, by the way) and has psychic powers. Maybe it is just me, but katanas and psychic powers seem like incongruous details in such a setting. I didn't take off points for that, because it is only my personal opinion, though.

3/5. Go to Comment
Astria Rayne
NPCs  (Minor)   (Domestic/ Craft)
Scrasamax's comment on 2008-10-10 11:24 PM
It is too long and Capn makes the main points above. I think that the summary is waaaay to long. I doubt there will be any changes made to this sub since it was submitted 4 years ago, and Skylark hasnt returned to the citadel in 3 years. Go to Comment
Astria Rayne
NPCs  (Minor)   (Domestic/ Craft)
valadaar's comment on 2013-11-22 09:02 AM
This could have benefited from a short summary sub to describe the character, and then a linked piece of fiction to go into detail.

There is a very strong Anime feel to this one, both good and bad.

Go to Comment
Astria Rayne
NPCs  (Minor)   (Domestic/ Craft)
valadaar's comment on 2013-11-22 09:02 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
Astria Rayne
NPCs  (Minor)   (Domestic/ Craft)
valadaar's comment on 2013-11-22 09:04 AM
I see Skylark was back almost a year ago. I hope you kept writing - there is potential in yours! Go to Comment
Serenity Cove
Locations  (City)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Strolen's comment on 2004-07-21 04:46 PM
I agree, the biggest thing lacking is the why. There are infinite reasons why it could be happening but with this you have to tell us your angle on it. This would probably be a great thread for the Flesh it Out forum where you would probably get some pretty different ideas on why. Go to Comment
Serenity Cove
Locations  (City)   (Forest/ Jungle)
CaptainPenguin's comment on 2004-07-21 09:02 PM
You doubled your comment there, bud.

I got nothing to say that they haven't said. I'm gonna go ahead and bump it up to a 3 though, just for ha-ha's.

3/5. Go to Comment
Serenity Cove
Locations  (City)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Iain's comment on 2004-07-21 03:34 PM
This could have potential but at the moment I think it's fairly dire. You need to flesh out a lot of things: firstly, what is there about Serenity Cove which makes it different from any other coastal town? In short, why do we care about it. Secondly, you need to tell us about this wickedness and what is causing: make it real, make it interesting. Admittedly, the players might not need to know any more than you've written, but we do.

Also, there are a few things that don't mesh. Firstly, if there is a thriving port, 570 people seems quite small (my village is 4 times that size (admittedly a different era). Especially if a lot of them are also farmers, artisans and miners. Also, 570 people is a bit small for large scale crime waves: if 20-30 people are killed (which seems to be the minimum the way I read it), that is 5% of the population!

As I say, there is some potential so 2/5. Go to Comment
Serenity Cove
Locations  (City)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Maggot's comment on 2004-07-24 09:18 AM
I dunno. The lack of a why ads to the mystery. Maybe a band of PC's passing through will discover the cause behind this calamity, Go to Comment
Serenity Cove
Locations  (City)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Skylark's comment on 2004-07-21 04:37 PM
Thanks for the feedback. I will back and beef it up a bit. Go to Comment
Serenity Cove
Locations  (City)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Skylark's comment on 2004-07-21 05:01 PM
Thanks for the feedback. I will back and beef it up a bit. Go to Comment
Total Comments:
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