I agree with Siren. I have long since become a little weary of people being evil because they are insane, with no other reason given. Personally, I think it is scarier when people are evil for other reasons - when its not some random biochemical error which creates the monster.
Take a look at Ullhyr T'Lar-Yin. I think you might like this fellow. (Evil laughter here...)
Though I think this fellow is evil too due to madness. Oh well :) Go to Comment
Possible motive alteration: Instead of dark obsession and boredom, maybe the good doctor was frustrated at patients who consistently ignored his advice and stumbled onto his "unconvential approaches" in his desperation. This could add a new layer of condescension, contempt, and Why-Me-style self-pity to his personality -- after all, if his patients would just listen to him and do the sensible thing, he wouldn't need to control them, and it's such a burden on him...
And: "Also remember to smile a lot, since this makes them feel safer..." Except when it creeps them out, which he might not notice. Go to Comment
You said that she is an assassin. Does this mean that she accepts contracts from the wealthy to kill their foes? If not, I think vigilante might be a more accurate term to describe her. Just my two cents. Go to Comment
Rage, while certainly well written, as Val pointed out, has one thing that really rather bothers me. She is a rather one dimension assassin, raised with daggers in her hands and an absolute lack of value for life. Go to Comment
More she'll accept contracts from the poor to remove people who are taking advantage of them or causing them harm.
As far as respecting life, she respects the lives of the poor and downtrodden, just not those who seek to abuse the poor and downtrodden, or those so much better off that do nothing to help the poor. Go to Comment
Each location had the nice flavoring of details to not oversaturate but give what is needed to run with. The mention of Serpent's Teeth Mt. had me thinking of a link to a deeper description, but the sub definitely holds it own as pretty complete.
Silver Oak Tree could definitely be a sub of its own, I like that one a lot and it was a good lead for the town and its name. Go to Comment
Oh goodness. I was putting off reading this due to its length, and in the mean time it's become even longer! Worse is, after all the changes I could still suggest some more (capitalization off in some places, more fine-tuning of the formatting, etc), and ways to make it even longer. :)
Let me just say that it is solid submission ready to take into a game. Great work!
Okay, one thing maybe: for all the good things, how about something 'bad'? No need to insert random evil, just something that makes lives of the locals more difficult. There are hints already planted - the Serpents Teeth mountains seem to pose some danger, and some of the adventurers will surely not be that friendly.
If a place is too idyllic, it tends to make us suspicious. ;) Go to Comment
The description is good, implying details and explaing just enough.
There are nice pieces of chrome in all the places of note.
There is good use of format and divisions. Headers were extra useful.
I would like to see more submissions, the Tree, a few NPCs, linked to this location. Check out our taverns The Tired Traveler's Tavern Guide and our tavern extras Those Characters in Inns and Taverns, and other locations. Linking things is always good, as it use easier. Learning all the available linking takes time. So now worries about anything at this point.
I am looking forward to reading your next few submissions.
Now, to paraphrase the Dread Pirate Robert. Good Job. Nicely done. Bask in the glory today. Tommorow you can post something new. You write well enough that can we treat you like a native Strolenite. (This is both a compliment and a burden.) So.
I would of liked to know what the environment is like. That is one area that is too implied. There are lots of different kinds of forest out there. This is a quibble for me, not required.
The piece does leaves me with some questions however:
1) How traveled is the road to/ from/ along this place? There can't be that many adventurers going into the mountain. And if they are, are they really dropping enough coin to support the town?
So we should find out a bit more about travel to and from the town. Is it easy? Is it hard? Is this the end of the road? Inquiring minds need to know.
2) Snowflake Inn expresses that there are traders moving in and out of the area (the special goods he can get). Are these lone traders making a special trip or merchants stopping on their way elsewhere?
3) Blacksmith and leatherworkers get their raw goods from? Just need to know if it is comming in from traders, there is a local mine/ ranch, or the adventurers are bringing it back. This dictates the prices and quantity of stock.
4) ... is a small community of only a scant couple hundred , especially a scant couple of hundred. That is awkward phrasing. Clarify this please. Small in reference to a town, city, other communities in the area?
I think these questions answered would take this well towards a 5, especially for a first sub.
PS: Say, you wouldn't happen to have any talented writing friends that you would want to bring here? Go to Comment