Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 5
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-11 09:14 AM
If we were work shopping this story, I would still suggest cutting this scene. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 5
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-11 08:39 AM


Originally this was part of the 4th sub, but I split it up to keep word count down to a shorter level for those with less time to read lengthy subs, and aye, you're right it likely could be cut with minimal impact.



As for Ellen, I figured it will become apparent the complex nature of that relationship in time. ;)

Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 5
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Kassy's comment on 2014-04-11 09:58 AM
3.5/5

Well written and continued from the previous sub. However, axlerowes is right in that it does seem a bit short. But it's six and two threes really.

Still a good sub and I can't wait for it to continue!

Faved :P Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 4
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-08 07:46 PM
Video stores? Nobody messing around on cell phones? Nobody is internet stalking each other? And a teenagers learns about current events from television?!? Is it 1993?

I keep expecting this to get stale, but each chapter really brings us something new. We learn a lot about the world and Evelyn, but I am still not Evelyn has learned anything yet. Anyway good stuff. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 4
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-08 08:14 PM
She grows up in time, especially after her trip to Africa in the future. ;) Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 4
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Kassy's comment on 2014-04-09 11:33 AM
5.0/5

You really have a gift for storytelling, it's truly amazing! I like the way I can just let myself "fall into" reading it.

Thank you :) Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 3
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-08 06:15 AM
This jackass freshman over-sharer is the scariest thing I have ever read here. She is a very believable 18 year old.

I am pretty sure Columbia is way up town, like 114th street (maybe that is midtown) and the village...I think is between 14th and Houston. That is like 100 blocks or so at least 5 miles. Muro can weigh in on this. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 3
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-06 02:05 AM
Nope, still every other day, I posted this after midnight on the 5th, blame the pesky international date line for making it appear on the 4th for you :P Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 3
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Kassy's comment on 2014-04-05 09:26 AM
Upped the rate to 1-a-day, eh? :P

I like that you're taking the time to introduce and build the characters and the level of detail involved is brilliant.

5.0/5 and faved again :) Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-05 08:44 AM


The scene in which she throws herself at Sarah Voltaire only to conclude that she didn’t want to seem obvious…that was funny. I particularly thought this line rang true.



I smiled, unable to resist the urge to show off my knowledge just a little. "For example, they now think raptors used their wings for stability and flapping to stay on top of their prey while hanging on with their hooked claws and eating it alive." I paused and blushed slightly, suddenly embarrassed at sounding like some kind of Dino geek in front of the girl.


This sounds like every undergraduate science major I’ve met (ahem…or maybe use to be). Those kids are ready to drop knowledge at absurdly inappropriate moments, and without any real understanding of what they are talking about. Eve may have the ability to understand Velociraptor mongoliensis in a way that guys scratching at fossils cannot, but I am sure she does not understand the research she is talking about. This is a brave (internet brave) choice having your narrator be flawed and a little unreliable. Brave because I know that uncertainty turns off some readers. But I really like and enjoy what you are doing with her voice. It adds a layer of realism.





However, the story within the story was a little rough. I think a little more imagery and making the language a little more explicit would help communicate Sarah Voltaire’s story as the narrarator and thus the world understands it, and would keep the flow of the story going. For example



As soon as the professor begins speaking she sat up, yanked out her ear buds, and whipped off her shades. That’s when, while the professor made introductions, I recognized Sarah Voltaire. Here you have three events: Girl in green shirt removes shade Professor starts talking Eve recognizes Sarah Voltaire.


The events are explicitly connected. For all we know that moment Sarah Voltaire could have materialized behind the professor, or the professor is Sarah Voltaire in man form, or the girl in the green shirt is Sarah Voltaire.



You could tighten up the sentence a bit by adding





I recognized the girl in the green shirt was Sarah Voltaire aka Quantum.


Then as you go through the flashes of images things get vague and unclear. I know it is easy to expect the readers of genre fiction to fill in the gaps. (Of course my genre bias tells me warhammer was a supervillian, but it wouldn't hurt to tell us that. Or tell us Eve's opinion of Warhammer versus the media's opinion. Eve is telling us this in retrospect so she could reflect more on these flashesthan she did at the time)



But you leave a lot of gaps in that story of Voltaire, it kills the flow of this piece and there is no reason to do it.



You should add another clause or sentence to each to specific memory Eve has regarding Voltaire. These should help to connect things temporally and draw out the details.



I know they are supposed to be just short flashes, but the flashes are very vivid and important images in Eve’s mind and you should paint vivid pictures with your words.





Lastly, undergraduate paleontology is really pushing my suspension of disbelief. I know the details don’t really matter, she just need to learn about dinosaurs so she can shape shift and may be there can be so allegory for evolution and extinction with Delta humans and normal humans. But you could show the field a little more respect. Paleontology is a sub-discipline of what they call “Earth Science” these days (actually they have called in Earth Science since the 80s, and not deep enough into the field to tease out the symantics of the different Earth Science disciplines. She would either be in either a geology, biology or anthropology program depending on what department the university dumped its paleontologists. Would be Paleontologists focusing on dinosaurs would likely be studying biology or geology. I am sure there are Paleo 101 classes out there, but they would be survey classes for non-majors. Eve should talk to her academic advisor and dump that useless class. I know I am being silly here, but hey science deserves respect.

Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-06 10:43 AM


The points come through, I was just suggesting the language get tightened up a bit and be a bit more illustrative. It is a minor thing. However, I don't think it was a problem with not knowing Sarah Voltaire, we have to know Eve's understanding of Sarah, even if its wrong. But it reads much clearer now. These are just prose details and I still think it is an interesting and well conceived story thus far.



I am still not quite sure what Eve thinks happened with the sniper. Statue was another super, she and Quantum got shot but Statue died?

Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-05 01:46 AM
I'm glad you're enjoying it, there's lots more to come, although the beginning pieces are more character building and stage setting, there is plenty of action later on. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-05 11:14 PM
Thanks for the feedback, I'll give this an edit this weekend I get some time and take your advice into account, I really appreciate the time and effort it took to give me this much commentary. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Kassy's comment on 2014-04-04 11:05 AM
I'm enjoying this one very much, keep 'em coming!

Again, the style with which you write makes it seem so much more real and believable (come on, who doesn't wish they had powers?).

5.0/5

Also, faved. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Longspeak's comment on 2014-04-06 03:57 AM
Part of the issue is Evie doesn't know much more at this stage than what she's mentioned, snippets seen on television years before. Sarah Voltaire will (eventually, sooner or later, maybe), have her own submission. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 1
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-01 07:36 PM
SO IS SHE PREGNANT WITH A PUPPY? HOW CAN YOU LEAVE US HANGING?

WHAT HAPPENS IF SHE IS PREGNANT AND SHE SHAPE SHIFTS?

HOW DOES THE MASS DISPLACEMENT WORK?

WHAT PART WAS SHE PLAYING IN ROMEO AND JULIET?



But seriously, fun story, I plan on reading the rest as soon as they arrive.

I have some notes, you do good job of keeping the gender an open question during a first few paragraphs. Perhaps a better reveal would be "Then the audience saw Juliet lip locked with her mother?" (or nurse, or Romeo's mom-there are only like four speaking parts for girls in that play and the nurse is usually a dude).

I betting she doesn't finish that undergraduate degree in paleontology.

Great character base. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 1
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-01 05:26 PM
I've got plenty mote of these, but will spread them out over time, likely a new one every 2-3 days until caught up to the present, then likely 1 per week until it runs its course. :) Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 1
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-01 11:06 PM


Lol aye, the gender vagueness was a deliberate choice, since the beginning was more to hook the reader, and challenge any preconceptions not long after. (which will prove to be an underlying theme as things develop.)



There's a lot of character building in the first few parts, with the action bits coming later, It's 60kish words so far, (and not finished yet) so lots of stuff still coming.


Edit:


Oh and to answer your tongue in cheek questions becuse it's 2am and I'm bored: :P


Doggy Pregnancy?


You'll have to wait an see, although as far as controversial/disturbing subs, that one would perhaps out do my sub about the reverse abortion of an undead fetus. Okay maybe not that disturbing...


Pregnancy shape shifting?


You'll just have to read on and see if she's pregnant :P


Mass displacement:


Unstable sub spatial molecular transference. When she shifts to a smaller form a portion of the extra mass is transferred into energy and released as a flash of light, the rest is bled into sub space.


When shifting from smaller to larger forms additional mass is drawn from sub space in the form of energy and then converted to create the needed material for the new form. (at least that's what the Delta specialists told her anyway ;) )


What part in Romeo and Juilet?


Juliet's nurse, Angelica. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 1
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-04-14 07:18 AM


Update: Edited to include the paragraph describing the characters human appearance.



(And for those who don't want to reread the first chapter just to find that one paragraph here's a quick reprint.



I remember pausing, finding my dark African American skin oddly foreign looking after seeing myself clothed in feathers, my black hair a tangle mess. years later people would say I looked a lot like Kandyse Mcclure in my human form, but at the time I was just geeky, and developed enough in the right places to get embarrassing stares from the boys in my class.

Go to Comment
Total Comments:
680

Join Now!!




Fatal error: Call to undefined function top_menu() in /home/strolen/public_html/lockmor/application/views/citadel/vfooter.php on line 2