Oh, very nice. I like the atmosphere and the visuals, and it makes me wonder what the HELL is going on. Right, so concrit.
A lot of your paragraphs seem to be one long sentence; you might consider breaking them up. It's sort of awkward. Also, you seem to have Lovecraft syndrome: overdescribing/overuse of adjectives slightly. Other than that, nothing that I can add right now. Go to Comment
First, I just want to share one little journey I went on with this story. I first thought it was silly that the reporter was carrying a pistol in a shoulder harness and I thought it unreasonable that she was then shocked at Luther's shotgun. Then later when she shot Luther in the leg by accident, I realized that the character having a gun was silly and stupid. The catch was she didn't realize it. I always enjoy it when a story engages me like that. Thanks.
It is was interesting choice to write it as a series of really short paragraphs. That probably helps internet readers and young readers who tend to skim things. Some physical descriptions of Luther and Rachel would have helped me get into the story, but I also understand the choice of keeping the character's somewhat blank so the reader can more easily relate to them.
The only thing that holds me back on this is that you didn't finish it.
Also is it Bridgeton or Bridgewater? Because at one point Rachel mentions Bridgewater and we can't be sure if she is talking about the asylum directly or some larger organization like say the county or city government. Go to Comment
The thing is I pasted that in from notepad so I;m not sure why it;s doing that. Perhaps because I;'m using firefox instead of internet explorer? Any feedback on how to prevent that in the future would be much appreciated. Go to Comment
I think the part that I like about it is that the beetles are not carnivorous, starving for the flesh of man, and instead swarm when threatened and will only return to a corpse days after it's demise to nibble of the muck growing on it. Go to Comment
This one hits home with me. The imagery was vivid for my part, when a sub makes me try to "see" it in my imagination something about it is good.
With this I imagine a damp dark cave, the walls are slimed with fungus and moss. The very air seems to be humming deep within the mountain. And behold, a light appears in the pitch black, and then another... The cave is soon burning with a hundred candles, revealing a cathedral like roof and a floor littered with brittle bones of former adventurers.
What I miss is more somehow, the basic idea is great. But I feel that their mythology could be expanded. Their options are so many. The colour and flavour" vs "the facts / the essentials" has long drifted in the undercurrents of the Citadel. I personally feel that this needs more flavour.
So in closing, this is a good solid idea that could easily be expanded to much more. Go to Comment