I get the concept you are trying here. To me, this is half a submission. This is mostly story elements that do stop and describe. Of course, the description does beg a few questions... origin of the name, why he is taking the time in the middle of a potentially lethal situation to stop and write this.. especially since they are hunters who use hearing... And this write up does not explain anything of their origin, even if their origin is in the mysterious past...
Mixing the elements of the story with the factual is a favorite past time around here. It does not always enhance the piece, (in some cases, it just makes it longer), but if done correctly it will. Go to Comment
I agree with Strolen and Val. The tone of the entry provides for me a chilled joy when I read it. But then it stopped. This submission can reach high standards, but it needs more twists and turns as well as answers. If the submission is edited I will change my vote accordingly. Go to Comment
While I love the first-hand journal approach (they tend to be popular here), I agree with Moon and val. The fact that whoever this is, decided to stop and jot down some notes, while sititng next to a maggot-dripping corpse, afraid for his/her life, while on a mission to get supplies, food and ammunition for his/her family is a tad unbelievable.
By using this approach, you are almost forced to "write" (as the character) sentences that he/she wouldn't realistically write, in his/her current situation, in an attempt to shed some light on the nature of these properly wicked little monstrosities.
My suggestion would be to ratchet up the suspense and tension even more in the journal entry, leaving out "explanations" about the critters, and then follow it up with a GM's take.
For the record, I like the line regarding, "urine pattering on the floor." Helps the atmosphere, and provides an instant hollywood visual of some poor pisser, overheard by Chasers (and attacked in mid-stream)! Go to Comment
I've actually spawned this into a rather dark and grim short story taking place both before, and after the diary entry. I'll give this a touch up later on this week; about the same time I give Dr. Taidani his make over. Go to Comment
Su-weet! Personally, though, I'm a li'l confused about what this thing's for. I mean, at first I thought it might be fantasy; however, noticing stuff about canned food and ammunition leads me to believe that this is more of a post-apocalyptic/survival-horror deal. If so, I'd like a few more questions answered about these bloody things. What are they, really? How were they created? How intelligent are they? What's their society like (you mentioned they moved in groups)? What are their usual hiding spots, and habitats? What're the best ways to defeat them? IS there a best way to defeat them, or are we all just plain screwed? Did they wipe out that entire city on their own?
Oh, very nice. I like the atmosphere and the visuals, and it makes me wonder what the HELL is going on. Right, so concrit.
A lot of your paragraphs seem to be one long sentence; you might consider breaking them up. It's sort of awkward. Also, you seem to have Lovecraft syndrome: overdescribing/overuse of adjectives slightly. Other than that, nothing that I can add right now. Go to Comment
First, I just want to share one little journey I went on with this story. I first thought it was silly that the reporter was carrying a pistol in a shoulder harness and I thought it unreasonable that she was then shocked at Luther's shotgun. Then later when she shot Luther in the leg by accident, I realized that the character having a gun was silly and stupid. The catch was she didn't realize it. I always enjoy it when a story engages me like that. Thanks.
It is was interesting choice to write it as a series of really short paragraphs. That probably helps internet readers and young readers who tend to skim things. Some physical descriptions of Luther and Rachel would have helped me get into the story, but I also understand the choice of keeping the character's somewhat blank so the reader can more easily relate to them.
The only thing that holds me back on this is that you didn't finish it.
Also is it Bridgeton or Bridgewater? Because at one point Rachel mentions Bridgewater and we can't be sure if she is talking about the asylum directly or some larger organization like say the county or city government. Go to Comment
The thing is I pasted that in from notepad so I;m not sure why it;s doing that. Perhaps because I;'m using firefox instead of internet explorer? Any feedback on how to prevent that in the future would be much appreciated. Go to Comment