Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Bai Yu (White Death Rain)
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Megamet's comment on 2009-09-01 12:55 PM
Okay, now I'm pretty sure Bai Yu actually means white rain in chinese, but other than that, I echo has said. This is a good and versatile character. The only complaint I have is that we don't really know how the transformation happened, but I can probaly phase that over. Probaly with a kind of supernatural plant that fuses the bodies of different people when the same stalk is eaten by more than one living creature- hold that thought, I need to write it down. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Strolen's comment on 2011-01-15 02:47 AM


Good background. I think it seems to happen a little quick. Seeing stealing clothes, morning in a merchant caravan, that afternoon conflict with mom, later that day total breakdown. Quite a dynamic change from paying for her school to fighting, maiming, sacrificing her without caring. That is one bad day!



The plot thoughts were great and went wonderfully with the well built character. Unless there is a lot of info on the wolf, just a small paragraph on it would be fine. After all, it was with her since a puppy so his progression would go along much with hers background wise.


Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Ria Hawk's comment on 2008-05-16 03:07 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
EchoMirage's comment on 2008-05-16 07:33 AM
Mages who are wary of crowds learn Fireball :D

Anyway: the text seems to hurry, its melody stumbling in places.
Calling the Familiar 'Lover' was a great idea, having him just summoned not so much. A better tale could be behind the meeting of the two. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-05-15 12:30 PM
I like her. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Ancient Gamer's comment on 2008-05-15 02:09 PM
We know you do :p Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
valadaar's comment on 2008-05-17 02:14 PM
This is a good NPC. As a note, you only really need comment on major changes that might change a vote, otherwise they get distracting :)

Well done! Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Misanpilgrim's comment on 2008-05-15 02:18 PM
This is good. This is very good. I like a good antisocial NPC, and this one a couple of good reasons to be antisocial, and her personality (blunt but kind) fits her backstory.

I also like the part about the familiar's name -- the way you've written it, it could be an quirk or an affectation, or it could be the plain truth (and Isis help whoever walks in on them). Solid support for GM flexibility is a good thing.

I've typed "good" and "like" enough times already, so I'll leave it there. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Silveressa's comment on 2008-05-17 05:31 PM
As far as I knew anytime you updated it forced you to make a comment explaining what the update was, thanks for clarifying it. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Silveressa's comment on 2011-01-12 06:53 PM
Update: Added an expanded/improved back-story behind the meeting of her familiar, and several plot hooks to introduce her to a prospective party of adventurers. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Silveressa's comment on 2008-05-14 11:42 PM
Updated: Formatting mangled some punctuation which I replaced. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Silveressa's comment on 2008-05-15 04:29 PM
Updated: Fixed a minor misspelling. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Silveressa's comment on 2008-05-16 12:03 AM
This was my first attempt at turning a pc into an npc. I did my best to keep certain parts of her nature open to interpretation to keep a gm's options open with possibilities.

I'm considering detailing the familiar in more depth as a separate sub, but not sure if it's worth it. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Silveressa's comment on 2011-01-12 06:55 PM
Thanks for the suggestion, I meant to get around to it years ago, the slight enhancement does make for a better background over all and less abrupt. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Silveressa's comment on 2011-01-15 03:39 AM
Aye, like most tragedies, they unravel quickly once events begin to unfold. In this case mostly because her mother used her as a convenient scape goat to avoid a lynching.

Good point about the scholar though, something less "luxurious" would work better in the storyline and be more believable. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Silveressa's comment on 2011-01-15 03:42 AM
Update: In her backstory changed the scholar tutor to a more believable/realistic local temple scribe. Go to Comment
Kisanth, Mage servant of Isis
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Silveressa's comment on 2014-05-12 03:28 AM
Update: Fixed the formatting issues (caused by a site update at some point in the past) that made the sub an eye sore to read. Go to Comment
Heartline EMS University
Locations  (Establishment)   (Other)
Scrasamax's comment on 2008-05-15 09:37 AM
This seems, well just odd. I opened the page expecting a medical establishment and instead I find cops, firefighters, droning history professors and a sex-changed athletics coach. Heartline EMS, or HLU seems more like a technical college than a University. That aside, police and firefighters have their own institutions for training and testing their applicants, and the drama dept seems rather out of place. Go to Comment
Heartline EMS University
Locations  (Establishment)   (Other)
Cheka Man's comment on 2008-05-14 08:19 PM
Thank you for this subbmission-lol about the sex change rumors. Go to Comment
Heartline EMS University
Locations  (Establishment)   (Other)
valadaar's comment on 2008-05-15 07:25 PM
I have to comment on the name myself. It has a comic-book feel and I think the name fits that genre! Go to Comment
Total Comments:
646

Join Now!!




Fatal error: Call to undefined function top_menu() in /home/strolen/public_html/lockmor/application/views/citadel/vfooter.php on line 2