I agree with Echo in saying that you brought across the nature of the Kumbra well. I noticed a few points where you mixed your pronouns, at one point referring to Shek-Ta as "her, at another as "it". You also made a grammatical mistake, the possessive it "its", "it's" means "it is". A nice well rounded sub,Silv. Go to Comment
This is a solid mini-adventure! Though I am expecting to see the mystery machine make an appearance :)
That said - you have a few missing capitalizations at the start of sentances, and a few spacing issues. There is also still a bit of overlong sentances. Read them aloud to yourself, and if you find yourself running out of breath, rebuild your sentences. Go to Comment
Ok, I wanted to love this, i did. A mutant mouse is right up my alley. And I think it is a great NPC for a supers game. Heck, its a great PC even.
This starts off great! My only nitpick would be that aside from the fact that a mutant mouse super is a nice, original, idea, her tale, as it unwound, became a bit cliche and a tad generic. Now, I know that a supers background is a supers background, and it fits the bill, but...
I loved the character as I started reading, yet grew more neutral as her story unfolded. It is the type of background that can fit any super.
Geez, I'm not sure I'm being clear here. What I'm trying to say is, I find Bai-Yu a great character, but the story left something to be desired. Hope that made some sense.
Anyhoo, an interesting and oh so usable NPC. And not just supers. She can be dropped into ANY 'weird' modern game really. Kudos.
+.5 for actually making a supers NPC. Moon will love you. Go to Comment
I have to agree with Muro - to me this feels like a TMNT character and a little generic. You could have said turtle/hamster/whathaveyou and the rest of the background would not need to be altered. How has her life/world view been affected by being an animal? Apart from being the cause of her being cast out, it has little apparent effect. Go to Comment