What Scrasamax said -- some of the classes seem out of place in a medical school. (Nightstick training?)
Some of the characters are interesting, in a bit-part sort of way, but they seem inappropriate for the setting. (Again, the ex-SWAT nightstick trainers are the outstanding example.)
The sub seems contradictory at times (Dr. Miller is both infamous and respected, and Ms. Chambers is both slender and voluptuous). Other parts read as vague or opaque (but that might just be a difference in taste).
And then there's the librarian, Ms. Margaret Thatcher. She might speak slowly to compensate for speech impediments resulting from a minor stroke. She also probably only sleeps four hours a day -- the library might be open 24/7, but that doesn't mean that anyone's actually using it at 3 am. (I suggest Wikipedia for more biographical tidbits and a usable picture.)
I don't generally have a problem with this sort of "borrowing." In another, more light-hearted context, I don't even mind if the borrowing is bold and undisguised. In a horror or mystery game, though, I suspect that the mood might suffer. (Also, the players might spend an annoyingly large amount of game time searching for Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev.)
On the silver-lining side, a Google search of the other characters led me to ian-miller.org, which has an art portfolio. Go to Comment
It;s a more admittedly light hearted take on a college campus, and not meant to be hard cold and factual. The type of horror rpg this is meant for is more of the b-grade tongue in cheek horror/mystery opposed to the COTC insane mind ripping terror.
Interesting notes on the npc's names, I picked them at random and was surprised to learn Ian Miller had an art portfolio. Go to Comment
This will plug into any Supers,modern,Horror or Sci Fi setting.It seems especially useful for Supers w/ a horror bent.This really is my idea of a useable sub.Not too wordy,good hooks,Practical and useful for a variety of settings. I should give this a 4/5 but I think Im giving it a 4.5/5 due to the wide variety of games this could be used in.
some suggestions to make it PERFECT:
1)Lose the name-hate it.
2)description of campus
3)some students and a little student life
I think there is a whole campaign in this. Go to Comment
I like the diary entry as it sets the mood for the creatures quite well. Perhaps a DM type entry afterwards to give us any important details that might be needed for us to better use the creature would be appropriate.
Creature is not horribly special or unique but the description gives it another level that seems to make it much more useable.
Reminds me a bit of I Am Legend and that type of location/creature.
Don't stop the diary memo though, but would go farther with a 'normal' description of the creature. Go to Comment
I get the concept you are trying here. To me, this is half a submission. This is mostly story elements that do stop and describe. Of course, the description does beg a few questions... origin of the name, why he is taking the time in the middle of a potentially lethal situation to stop and write this.. especially since they are hunters who use hearing... And this write up does not explain anything of their origin, even if their origin is in the mysterious past...
Mixing the elements of the story with the factual is a favorite past time around here. It does not always enhance the piece, (in some cases, it just makes it longer), but if done correctly it will. Go to Comment
I agree with Strolen and Val. The tone of the entry provides for me a chilled joy when I read it. But then it stopped. This submission can reach high standards, but it needs more twists and turns as well as answers. If the submission is edited I will change my vote accordingly. Go to Comment
While I love the first-hand journal approach (they tend to be popular here), I agree with Moon and val. The fact that whoever this is, decided to stop and jot down some notes, while sititng next to a maggot-dripping corpse, afraid for his/her life, while on a mission to get supplies, food and ammunition for his/her family is a tad unbelievable.
By using this approach, you are almost forced to "write" (as the character) sentences that he/she wouldn't realistically write, in his/her current situation, in an attempt to shed some light on the nature of these properly wicked little monstrosities.
My suggestion would be to ratchet up the suspense and tension even more in the journal entry, leaving out "explanations" about the critters, and then follow it up with a GM's take.
For the record, I like the line regarding, "urine pattering on the floor." Helps the atmosphere, and provides an instant hollywood visual of some poor pisser, overheard by Chasers (and attacked in mid-stream)! Go to Comment
I've actually spawned this into a rather dark and grim short story taking place both before, and after the diary entry. I'll give this a touch up later on this week; about the same time I give Dr. Taidani his make over. Go to Comment
Su-weet! Personally, though, I'm a li'l confused about what this thing's for. I mean, at first I thought it might be fantasy; however, noticing stuff about canned food and ammunition leads me to believe that this is more of a post-apocalyptic/survival-horror deal. If so, I'd like a few more questions answered about these bloody things. What are they, really? How were they created? How intelligent are they? What's their society like (you mentioned they moved in groups)? What are their usual hiding spots, and habitats? What're the best ways to defeat them? IS there a best way to defeat them, or are we all just plain screwed? Did they wipe out that entire city on their own?
Oh, very nice. I like the atmosphere and the visuals, and it makes me wonder what the HELL is going on. Right, so concrit.
A lot of your paragraphs seem to be one long sentence; you might consider breaking them up. It's sort of awkward. Also, you seem to have Lovecraft syndrome: overdescribing/overuse of adjectives slightly. Other than that, nothing that I can add right now. Go to Comment
First, I just want to share one little journey I went on with this story. I first thought it was silly that the reporter was carrying a pistol in a shoulder harness and I thought it unreasonable that she was then shocked at Luther's shotgun. Then later when she shot Luther in the leg by accident, I realized that the character having a gun was silly and stupid. The catch was she didn't realize it. I always enjoy it when a story engages me like that. Thanks.
It is was interesting choice to write it as a series of really short paragraphs. That probably helps internet readers and young readers who tend to skim things. Some physical descriptions of Luther and Rachel would have helped me get into the story, but I also understand the choice of keeping the character's somewhat blank so the reader can more easily relate to them.
The only thing that holds me back on this is that you didn't finish it.
Also is it Bridgeton or Bridgewater? Because at one point Rachel mentions Bridgewater and we can't be sure if she is talking about the asylum directly or some larger organization like say the county or city government. Go to Comment